(no subject)
random stream...
Jesus, people have been pissing me off... And what's effin grating about this acknowledgment is that they've always been pissing me off... since the moment their ludicrous nonsense began. As I explore the unlit recesses of truth (those dank caverns in the pits of their eyes) it's all clear. Lucid and ugly. And I know these people, all of them, affecting my life. I'll see them again on their journey to the "middle." Servile fucks.
I'm just trying to keep myself distracted, educated, drunk, whatever. I've been reading constantly. I hate it when I'm not doing something. I get restless in silence, and then I eventually find something to do with some random person. I have conversations that make me nauseous; I desecrate my principles. That always happens.
I think I'm part of this grand paradigm. Living a life that has been led, will be led, is led. Trying to break out of the patterns these people feed me; vanquishing mediocrity.
And I've been thinking that people must think I'm annoying sometimes or naive. But what the fuck do I care? They're the ones deluded by their artificial Edens. Either the media is telling them what to think (irritatingly passe) or they're anti-establishment for the sake of being rebellious-- all padding themselves in their impalpable ideas, philosophies. FEEL WHAT YOU THINK! Be poetic, and just cut the crap. Be daring enough to take a step BACK and sharpen the panaroma.
Life is still incomprehensible to me. People who proceed through it like it's easily understood elude me. I break everything down, not manically, but curiously. I'm not just going to lead a life of quiet desperation (thoreau). I refuse to go quietly. I want some meaning, and not just the Nietzche Anthology. I can't buy it, I can't talk about it, I can only feel it. And it makes me realize that we are all innate poets. We express ourselves physically. It is OK to feel euphoric and it is ok to fall into despair. Only ignorance should be disdained.
Love, love, love, it's not going to scorn me, reduce me. People aren't going to goddamn adjudicate me. This is an Ode to Me, and I'm vandalizing everybody's self righteous attitudes. Guess what? You don't know, and I don't know, and we're all just trying to revel in the moment. You're God isn't inferior to her God. And pity, pity-- FUCK pity! Why do you pity someone when your circumstances have fostered your pity, making you pitiful and pitiable. Pity those who pity and no one else. Because we are all rhythmic, and living and dying everyday. My glass is not always half empty, nor is it always half full. I fluctuate, phasing like the moon and no one is going to craft my ideology-- scraps of insight I've woven into stances; verse. No friend, no love, no one can tell me what to believe. I need to feel it.