Re my thinky post from a few days ago.
I've been thinking about it and I believe I know what my issue is.
Part of the problem (as has been part of the problem my whole life) is that I read some really fucking excellent writing. And I find myself in a place full of such awe, somewhere in my head I read excellent as not what I am doing.
Hence the wrong feelings I have.
I have done this my whole writing life. I remember reading Howl for the first time when I was about 13 and being so amazed I not only wept but gave up writing poetry for a long time.
Rationally even now almost twenty years later I realize this isn't the right instinct I can't always help myself.
Reading excellent writing is so much easier than creating it.
As much as I have been writing, it's been hard. It's hard because I seriously care about my craft and I do not want to put shitty (more of it at any rate, that's a whole other post) writing out there.
I go through this sort of thing every few years. While I do have some confidence in the work I produce, I am still at heart a lover of fine writing. The two don't always mix well.
Also, sometimes my ambitions get the best of me. Ambition becomes this formless thing that starts to take over and I turn into a total asshole who is hell bent on something. What that something is I don't really know.
At the base of things, in my reptile brain I don't want immortality, I don't want to be famous, I know what it is that I want.
I want what I say, any of it to make a difference to someone. To give them a window into a slice of life and bit of thought that is outside of themselves.
That isn't to say I don't occasionally pretend I'm being interviewed for being a shooting star super author. I do. I'm not going to front and say I'm above the celebrity/literati fantasies of my youth.
What I am going to say is this.
Whether or not what I write is marketable or even palatable for the masses I have to keep doing it.
I have to and I will. I will keep learning new things and trying hard. I will work on my grammar and usage because I know that my grammar fucking sucks and always has.
I will keep writing, every day. I won't be satisfied, I won't be complacent and at the end I might never be a marketable commodity and that's just ducky.
I'll go through these moods. I'll feel like an untalented hack and I just have to ride it out. Keep my head down and wait for it to pass.
That's it.
Also, can I just say how fucking gratifying it is- okay no wait did I tell you guys about the writing "mentor" who told me I wrote too masculine years ago?
I don't remember if I did or not. So nevermind I'll hold onto that for another post.
Today (later) some horror-ish flash I'm about to finish.
And pls don't mention MJ to me I don't wanna hear it.
Part of the problem (as has been part of the problem my whole life) is that I read some really fucking excellent writing. And I find myself in a place full of such awe, somewhere in my head I read excellent as not what I am doing.
Hence the wrong feelings I have.
I have done this my whole writing life. I remember reading Howl for the first time when I was about 13 and being so amazed I not only wept but gave up writing poetry for a long time.
Rationally even now almost twenty years later I realize this isn't the right instinct I can't always help myself.
Reading excellent writing is so much easier than creating it.
As much as I have been writing, it's been hard. It's hard because I seriously care about my craft and I do not want to put shitty (more of it at any rate, that's a whole other post) writing out there.
I go through this sort of thing every few years. While I do have some confidence in the work I produce, I am still at heart a lover of fine writing. The two don't always mix well.
Also, sometimes my ambitions get the best of me. Ambition becomes this formless thing that starts to take over and I turn into a total asshole who is hell bent on something. What that something is I don't really know.
At the base of things, in my reptile brain I don't want immortality, I don't want to be famous, I know what it is that I want.
I want what I say, any of it to make a difference to someone. To give them a window into a slice of life and bit of thought that is outside of themselves.
That isn't to say I don't occasionally pretend I'm being interviewed for being a shooting star super author. I do. I'm not going to front and say I'm above the celebrity/literati fantasies of my youth.
What I am going to say is this.
Whether or not what I write is marketable or even palatable for the masses I have to keep doing it.
I have to and I will. I will keep learning new things and trying hard. I will work on my grammar and usage because I know that my grammar fucking sucks and always has.
I will keep writing, every day. I won't be satisfied, I won't be complacent and at the end I might never be a marketable commodity and that's just ducky.
I'll go through these moods. I'll feel like an untalented hack and I just have to ride it out. Keep my head down and wait for it to pass.
That's it.
Also, can I just say how fucking gratifying it is- okay no wait did I tell you guys about the writing "mentor" who told me I wrote too masculine years ago?
I don't remember if I did or not. So nevermind I'll hold onto that for another post.
Today (later) some horror-ish flash I'm about to finish.
And pls don't mention MJ to me I don't wanna hear it.