i started taking vitamins about a week ago, because a steady diet of diet coke and candy (sometimes beer) was
showing signs of deficiency, and it wasn't pretty.
So far it's done nothing for my
reqiuem for a dream arm, but who gives a shit?
Something is still just not right. Maybe it's the B vitamin overload. I used to take a multivitamin with radioactive piss results and these days it's just clear. Maybe it's something else. My heart feels ready to explode, kind of like almost getting into a car accident then suddenly not. There's that childlike feeling of I'm about to get caught, hurry, go! HIDE! and my dreams are all fucked up in my non-existent sleep. I just lay there, waiting for sleep and dreams start coming. I know it's a dream, but it's so fucking loud and real and I'm paralyzed and terrified. And I wake in the morning more rested than I've ever been. Three to four hour increments. Just the time trying to sleep, not actual time that I might have slept. I can't drink myself to sleep anymore. I drink myself awake.
The more I drink the more awake I feel. Even after sleeping pills I struggle to fall asleep, and wake up feeling like I've had the best sleep of my life. I've rested and I can do anything. I don't need those extra nine minute passes.
I can't feel a goddamn thing. I feel it when the cat decides to act like a motherfucker and cut me. I feel it when I bang my knee against a table leg. I feel an undeniable insatiable need to flee . . . but emotionally I feel nothing.
Is detachment palpable? Nothing can break me now and I will destroy anything foolish enough to get in my way.
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It's not the vitamins. I do not know what it is, but I do know what it is not.