(no subject)
So this morning I woke up and I realized something..Something that might not be new but something I finally am brave enough to admit...I believe that when a person ask a question, the answer will come instantly but its a matter of a fact that whether the person is ready or not to hear the answer..I am now for this question..
Looking back at my past relationships, I realized that I tend to go for someone who is less independent than me let it be emotionally or financially or even both...I will do anything to make them feel good and be there for them...I let them have whatever they want even if I couldn't really afford it...And when it ends, it hurts like hell coz I felt like I gave my all and they didnt...And I wonder why it happen to me oh so many times over and over again..
I look at myself and now I know..I am no knight in shining armor..Look at me, I can barely fix myself at times...And when I felt betrayed by them, I was so angry that I almost shouted out that they are nothing without me that they needed me...Now, The truth is..I am..I needed them to feel needed, to feel special, to feel like I meant something...To feel as if I can save the world...I am no superhero...Its the sad truth but I sacrifice myself for them because I need to feel as if my existence meant something...Hence I tend to go for someone who need to rely on me for something...
All my life I have been looking after someone, always looking out for others that I believed that is why I am here..Hey when you have to save your siblings from getting beaten the fuck out of them constantly, you will also believed that coz they see you as a savior and that is a very high expectation...Little did I know that this trait of mine can also be a cycle of self abuse...I cant change or save the world...I can try to make a difference but not go out of my way to save it...This is another cycle that I have to break from..
The only time I fell for someone who doesnt need to rely on me, well..it never did happen coz she is smart enough to see the truth...That I have a lot of growing up t do...I have a lot learn before I can finally understand and love me for who I am..I am not meant to be perfect..Now its time for me to believe that..
Yeah it hurts to know the truth but this will help me in my journey in this so called life...I will still keep on going trying to fix the world but within my limitation..It is best for me if I just stop expecting myself to be perfect...I am not...And it is okay...
Looking back at my past relationships, I realized that I tend to go for someone who is less independent than me let it be emotionally or financially or even both...I will do anything to make them feel good and be there for them...I let them have whatever they want even if I couldn't really afford it...And when it ends, it hurts like hell coz I felt like I gave my all and they didnt...And I wonder why it happen to me oh so many times over and over again..
I look at myself and now I know..I am no knight in shining armor..Look at me, I can barely fix myself at times...And when I felt betrayed by them, I was so angry that I almost shouted out that they are nothing without me that they needed me...Now, The truth is..I am..I needed them to feel needed, to feel special, to feel like I meant something...To feel as if I can save the world...I am no superhero...Its the sad truth but I sacrifice myself for them because I need to feel as if my existence meant something...Hence I tend to go for someone who need to rely on me for something...
All my life I have been looking after someone, always looking out for others that I believed that is why I am here..Hey when you have to save your siblings from getting beaten the fuck out of them constantly, you will also believed that coz they see you as a savior and that is a very high expectation...Little did I know that this trait of mine can also be a cycle of self abuse...I cant change or save the world...I can try to make a difference but not go out of my way to save it...This is another cycle that I have to break from..
The only time I fell for someone who doesnt need to rely on me, well..it never did happen coz she is smart enough to see the truth...That I have a lot of growing up t do...I have a lot learn before I can finally understand and love me for who I am..I am not meant to be perfect..Now its time for me to believe that..
Yeah it hurts to know the truth but this will help me in my journey in this so called life...I will still keep on going trying to fix the world but within my limitation..It is best for me if I just stop expecting myself to be perfect...I am not...And it is okay...