Elder statesman.

Aug 04, 2009 23:25

Meeting with S went very well. We chatted about life and books for a while, and then I took the elder statesman role and laid out how things looked from my point of view and gently dispensed some eagerly sought advice and constructive criticism. It's the role I'd foreseen and clearly was what she wanted from me. She became visibly very anxious each time I pointed out what could be called missteps, so I reassured her frequently and made sure she knew that I know she has the best of intentions and that she and I are cool and that this stuff is just hard and there's no user's manual. It went very well and we both left feeling much better about everything.

Turned out that she'd shared the situations and Squidz' and Miss T's different versions with some unnamed friends, and the friends suggested that maybe Squidz wasn't being entirely forthright with her. That made her feel awful and confused, so she decided to be someone's "slave" at the party to escape from the bad feelings and not have to socially interact. I assured her that Squidz is, if he's anything, a very honorable and truthful person.

Next up: Miss T wants to meet, and I imagine I'll be doing a similar thing, but more difficult and painful because all the feelings are deeper and there's more at risk.

It's funny to think back on all of the open/poly/modern relationships I've idolized as perfect and beat myself up for not being able to pull off similar graceful tightrope acts in my life. One by one they exploded into messy break-ups or major cracks began to show and it became clear that there are stresses and needs unmet and wounds nursed in quiet. Gradually I began to see that no relationship is as perfect as it seems, and to realize that through lots of work and effort, I have relationships that others look up to and that I am (and we are) considered people worth asking for advice. It feels good, if scary, to be considered someone whose advice is worth having. I feel strongly that not only is communication the only possible key to a happy sharing relationship, but that it's equally vital for people in the community to be resources for each other for advice and support. After all, who the hell else can we talk to about this stuff? Besides our therapists, obviously.

In other news, both of the men are going through tons of stress and frustration and anxiety lately relating to work and other demands on their time. To illustrate: The other night, one had a dream about his penis accidentally being cut off, and the other had a dream about accidentally being on the wrong flight as it took off. Not much I can do to help but be patient through the worst and reassuring and supportive when they can hear it. I hope very much that they both get some breaks soon.
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