No move for now.
Trousers and I let the apartment go today. The landlady hadn't gotten back to us with a confirmation of the move-in date until now, but expected us to have given notice and be ready to move February 1st. More than that, she was so aggressive and bullying and unreasonable on the phone, refusing to admit any possible fault in the communications problems, that I was thrown into traumatic memories of my verbally abusive first stepmother. I was very shaken for a few hours. Trousers very kindly stepped in and notified her that we were passing on the place.
I couldn't quite bring myself to ask for help. I was struggling with wanting to be grown up and strong and a capable adult who could manage this business, but I was miserable with the thought of calling her back. I really wanted a moment of Trousers being a big strong daddy and save me, but I was ashamed of being the little girl, and unwilling to force him to play a macho role like that. Thankfully he saw how my turmoil and offered to help. It actually made him feel really good to be able to help me like that, since I help him a lot. I said that I owed him big now, but he said he was just paying me back.
He did say that in similar circumstances in the future, it might be easier if I'd ask for help in case he doesn't see that I need it. That's a good point, but it's very hard to ask. I get all caught up in not wanting to be weak, not wanting to burden anyone with my needs. Perfectionism again, always an enemy. He pointed out that we all have sore spots, that there was no shame in it, and reassured me that he thinks I'm a strong person.
Plenty to talk to my shrink about. I'm going tomorrow night for the first time in a year or maybe almost two.
Back to Craigslist for the house hunt. There are plenty more apartment-fish in the Sea of San Francisco.
I couldn't quite bring myself to ask for help. I was struggling with wanting to be grown up and strong and a capable adult who could manage this business, but I was miserable with the thought of calling her back. I really wanted a moment of Trousers being a big strong daddy and save me, but I was ashamed of being the little girl, and unwilling to force him to play a macho role like that. Thankfully he saw how my turmoil and offered to help. It actually made him feel really good to be able to help me like that, since I help him a lot. I said that I owed him big now, but he said he was just paying me back.
He did say that in similar circumstances in the future, it might be easier if I'd ask for help in case he doesn't see that I need it. That's a good point, but it's very hard to ask. I get all caught up in not wanting to be weak, not wanting to burden anyone with my needs. Perfectionism again, always an enemy. He pointed out that we all have sore spots, that there was no shame in it, and reassured me that he thinks I'm a strong person.
Plenty to talk to my shrink about. I'm going tomorrow night for the first time in a year or maybe almost two.
Back to Craigslist for the house hunt. There are plenty more apartment-fish in the Sea of San Francisco.