It always goes back to that feeling of defeat; the feeling of losing....
I think it's getting worse every time I see her.... I become more and more sad each time.
Its just a reminder of what I lost and what I'll most likely never have again. I've become filled with sadness and despair... which at times almost turns to rage and anger - against myself. I hate myself for losing her... I hate the way I look because of her...
Its always been a double edged sword, but now more than ever I think its become one sided. Its probably best that I try to really cut down on talking to her and seeing her - and I'm not even seeing her that much at all. I really can't handle it anymore... its just not healthy. We can hang out and thats nice, but once we start having conversations and discussing things, I remember why I fell in love with her in the first place - it was HER, who she was. It was a girl that I could talk with for hours on end about anything - from the stupidest movie, to bands or cars, to current political events. We once talked for like 24 hours straight and it was incredible.... it was like having your best guy friend as your girl friend. It makes you think of those rare 80 or 90yr old couples who still talk to eachother like they did when they were in their 20's. Thats what I want.... looks dont last all that long, but you know your mind and your heart will. But I think its become fairly obvious that we are at our farthest point now, which is being best friends, albeit best friends that dont hang out that much, nor communicate that much, but when we do, its like a cursing and a blessing all at the same time.
I haven't been able to get over this, to rid myself of this, and its killing me. One of my friends pointed it out to me, and its true, and many of you also know - I am obsessed... I know, I admit it...
"out of sight, out of mind" is what they say, though not always true, it seems to help to some extent.
Maybe things will become somewhat less shitty than they have been, which will help, cause man things have been shitty lately.
Its just a reminder of what I lost and what I'll most likely never have again. I've become filled with sadness and despair... which at times almost turns to rage and anger - against myself. I hate myself for losing her... I hate the way I look because of her...
Its always been a double edged sword, but now more than ever I think its become one sided. Its probably best that I try to really cut down on talking to her and seeing her - and I'm not even seeing her that much at all. I really can't handle it anymore... its just not healthy. We can hang out and thats nice, but once we start having conversations and discussing things, I remember why I fell in love with her in the first place - it was HER, who she was. It was a girl that I could talk with for hours on end about anything - from the stupidest movie, to bands or cars, to current political events. We once talked for like 24 hours straight and it was incredible.... it was like having your best guy friend as your girl friend. It makes you think of those rare 80 or 90yr old couples who still talk to eachother like they did when they were in their 20's. Thats what I want.... looks dont last all that long, but you know your mind and your heart will. But I think its become fairly obvious that we are at our farthest point now, which is being best friends, albeit best friends that dont hang out that much, nor communicate that much, but when we do, its like a cursing and a blessing all at the same time.
I haven't been able to get over this, to rid myself of this, and its killing me. One of my friends pointed it out to me, and its true, and many of you also know - I am obsessed... I know, I admit it...
"out of sight, out of mind" is what they say, though not always true, it seems to help to some extent.
Maybe things will become somewhat less shitty than they have been, which will help, cause man things have been shitty lately.