Bring more chaos and discord into your life! New completely scientific process shows you how!
This ritual is designed to invoke Eris, goddess of Discord, and Her five apostles; Doctor Van Van Mojo, The Elder Malaclypse, Hung Mung, Sri Syadasti, and Zarathud the Incorrigible.
In any given use of this ritual, one of the apostles will probably be shacking up with some new young convert or trying to solve the problem of ego, so Saint Gulik, professional insectiod destroyer of obstacles, opener of gates, and messenger spirit will take their place. Pick an apostle at random, and replace him with Gulik for the duration of the ritual.
Using the magikal tool of your choice, trace a pentagon around you five times, each time invoking a different apostle or cockroach.
The apostolic invocations are thus
O Blessed Eris, Daughter of Discord, I invoke the protection of your apostle Saint Doctor Van Van Mojo. May he shrink my head and make my legs feel like pins and needles, thus curing me of my upset stomach. 23 skidoo!
O Divinely Divine Eris, Wife of Confusion, I Invoke the protection of your apostle Saint Sri Syadasti. May he really blow my mind man, like make me view the universe from a whole new perspective, like a baby on its first acid trip, y'know? 23 skidoo!
O wholey and ever snickering Eris, Weird Aunt Who Never Married of Chaos, I invoke the protection of your apostle Saint Hung Mung. May he grant me the wisdom of a sage but without the poor fashion sense. 23 skidoo!
O Eris, most volouptuous of deities, Lou Costello to Bureacracy's Bud Abbot, I invoke the protection of your apostle Zarathud the Incorrigible. May he ensure that I follow each and every one of your laws to the letter, especially the one about breaking all your laws. 23 skidoo!
O amply bosomed Eris, without whom Aftermath's joke just aren't that funny, I invoke the prtoection of your apostle Saint the Elder Malaclypse. May I ever be and outsider, strange, on the fringe, and just short of being commited. 23 skidoo!
Gulik has no O _____ Eris phrase associated with him, so he steals the one from the absent apostle and inserts his own invocation
I invoke the protection of your messenger spirit Saint Gulik, may he teach me how to scurry out of the way of danger, to survive anywhere and everywhere, except the south pole maybe and I guess the secrets of the universe. Through Saint Gulik may my collect call to You not only go through, but get perfect reception. 23 skidoo!
Hail Hail Hail Hail Hail
Eris Eris Eris Eris Eris
Or something along those lines
After these are completed, enter a state of gnosis and wait until Eris shows up, which usually shouldn't take too long because She loves stuff like this.