Out Of Sight, In MY Mind
I was kind of pissed off last night cause i didn't get to go to the 3-11 concert. My brother had already promised one of his tickets to a friend, before me, and the other two tickets he got were stolen from him in the breakroom at work. Cute. So i ended up watching TV and going to sleep.
Around 12:30 in the morning my brother came home, and he woke me up a bit and i kind of looked up at the TV, turned it off, the rolled back over. The rest of the night though, i tossed and turned. Something was bothering the hell out of me. I just could not sleep and i had this wierd feeling that something wasn't quite right somewhere.
Now if you ask me if i believe in ESP, i'd tell you that i'm pretty sure i've experienced some wierd things, but am not 100% because the mind plays tricks. I remember when my grandmother passed that i came home from school two days after (yeah, they sent me to school all days except the day before and of her funeral) she had died. I tossed my bag down on the couch, and i could have sworn i heard her voice call my name from her room, and i stood, went to walk back and burst into tears when i realized she was gone. I felt horrible that for that split second i'd forgotten what had happened.
So last night was very unrestful, and i even sat up kind of looking around last night. I got up to check on my brother and then checked the lock on the door, and was worried about my sister. This was all around 3:00 in the morning. I then rolled back onto the couch and tossed and turned on and off for the next three hours.
At 7:36 in the morning, my phone buzzed once. I rolled over to see someone had sent me a txt message. It was from Angela, one of my best friends at work, and i was worried i'd forgot to show up to work and that she was giving me a heads up!
But my heart quickly sank as i began to realize the gravity of what i was reading. Angela's mother had passed away in the night. She went on to tell me she didn't feel like talking about it, but that they think it was a new medicine that her mom had been taking. I was absolutely floored. Angela's mom was still very young, and Angela herself is only 20. Her mom had been in a car accident a few years back and had to take pain medicine to cope with chronic aches. This past week she apparently went to her doctor to try something different and had the worst reaction possible to it...
The way i feel about Angela, so as to clear any further confusion, is of an admiration one would have for a little sister. She is such a sweet girl, though she has a bit of a hard exterior. Of course i instantly felt kindered to her.
So after awhile i txt'd her back to reassure her that i would do anything in my power to help her at this time. I then sprang up, got dressed, and made my way to work to get any scheduling issues because of this resolved. I called everyone who was not at work and whom it concerned, to inform them of the situation and that i would be willing to take any shifts they felt disagreeable to their own routines so as to ease the burden on everyone. Esp. since i have no real obligations of my own.
I then sat with my boss Victoria and began to talk to her about it. She proceeded to relate that her family has similar issues, and then told me that Ang had called her last night a thousand times to find some comfort. Victoria then played back a message that i wish to erase from my memory for the rest of my life. It was Ang, and her voice was so deep in pain, and was struggling to issue out "i'm soooorry, my moooom diiiiiiedd. (uncontrolable sobbing) They think it was her medication! (deep wailing)" I almost burst into tears there in the office and i wanted to escape. And so i wound the conversation up and made my way to my car.
On the drive home, i was fighting back tears. I kept hearing Ang's words bouncing around in my mind. I started to think about how close she was to her mom. She would call her about 3 times a day at work, which i found mildly annoying sometimes, but in spite of that completely endearing. I thought about how she always talked about buying her mom this thing, or taking her mom to eat there. I remembered some of the intimate details she shared about her parents divorce and it sank in how deeply she cared for her mom and that right now, my sweet little Ang was dealing with the fact that she had just lost one of the pillars of support in her life. I realized how her children missed out on meeting their grandma, whom was adored by her own daughter, and whom they will surely have adored. And i thought of Ang's big brown doe-like eyes and wondered how wounded they will be when i gaze upon them once again.
I also came to the realization that i may have the book written on dealing with personal loss, but when it comes to someone i care about who has lost something dear, i am completely blank pages. I just wish i knew how to proceed from here, how to let her know that she is loved and that of many people who will take care of her, i am at the front of the line. What do i say to her when she tells me she doesn't want to talk about it?
I love you Angela, and my heart weeps aside yours now, and i am there for you in whatever fashion you may call upon me in. :(
Around 12:30 in the morning my brother came home, and he woke me up a bit and i kind of looked up at the TV, turned it off, the rolled back over. The rest of the night though, i tossed and turned. Something was bothering the hell out of me. I just could not sleep and i had this wierd feeling that something wasn't quite right somewhere.
Now if you ask me if i believe in ESP, i'd tell you that i'm pretty sure i've experienced some wierd things, but am not 100% because the mind plays tricks. I remember when my grandmother passed that i came home from school two days after (yeah, they sent me to school all days except the day before and of her funeral) she had died. I tossed my bag down on the couch, and i could have sworn i heard her voice call my name from her room, and i stood, went to walk back and burst into tears when i realized she was gone. I felt horrible that for that split second i'd forgotten what had happened.
So last night was very unrestful, and i even sat up kind of looking around last night. I got up to check on my brother and then checked the lock on the door, and was worried about my sister. This was all around 3:00 in the morning. I then rolled back onto the couch and tossed and turned on and off for the next three hours.
At 7:36 in the morning, my phone buzzed once. I rolled over to see someone had sent me a txt message. It was from Angela, one of my best friends at work, and i was worried i'd forgot to show up to work and that she was giving me a heads up!
But my heart quickly sank as i began to realize the gravity of what i was reading. Angela's mother had passed away in the night. She went on to tell me she didn't feel like talking about it, but that they think it was a new medicine that her mom had been taking. I was absolutely floored. Angela's mom was still very young, and Angela herself is only 20. Her mom had been in a car accident a few years back and had to take pain medicine to cope with chronic aches. This past week she apparently went to her doctor to try something different and had the worst reaction possible to it...
The way i feel about Angela, so as to clear any further confusion, is of an admiration one would have for a little sister. She is such a sweet girl, though she has a bit of a hard exterior. Of course i instantly felt kindered to her.
So after awhile i txt'd her back to reassure her that i would do anything in my power to help her at this time. I then sprang up, got dressed, and made my way to work to get any scheduling issues because of this resolved. I called everyone who was not at work and whom it concerned, to inform them of the situation and that i would be willing to take any shifts they felt disagreeable to their own routines so as to ease the burden on everyone. Esp. since i have no real obligations of my own.
I then sat with my boss Victoria and began to talk to her about it. She proceeded to relate that her family has similar issues, and then told me that Ang had called her last night a thousand times to find some comfort. Victoria then played back a message that i wish to erase from my memory for the rest of my life. It was Ang, and her voice was so deep in pain, and was struggling to issue out "i'm soooorry, my moooom diiiiiiedd. (uncontrolable sobbing) They think it was her medication! (deep wailing)" I almost burst into tears there in the office and i wanted to escape. And so i wound the conversation up and made my way to my car.
On the drive home, i was fighting back tears. I kept hearing Ang's words bouncing around in my mind. I started to think about how close she was to her mom. She would call her about 3 times a day at work, which i found mildly annoying sometimes, but in spite of that completely endearing. I thought about how she always talked about buying her mom this thing, or taking her mom to eat there. I remembered some of the intimate details she shared about her parents divorce and it sank in how deeply she cared for her mom and that right now, my sweet little Ang was dealing with the fact that she had just lost one of the pillars of support in her life. I realized how her children missed out on meeting their grandma, whom was adored by her own daughter, and whom they will surely have adored. And i thought of Ang's big brown doe-like eyes and wondered how wounded they will be when i gaze upon them once again.
I also came to the realization that i may have the book written on dealing with personal loss, but when it comes to someone i care about who has lost something dear, i am completely blank pages. I just wish i knew how to proceed from here, how to let her know that she is loved and that of many people who will take care of her, i am at the front of the line. What do i say to her when she tells me she doesn't want to talk about it?
I love you Angela, and my heart weeps aside yours now, and i am there for you in whatever fashion you may call upon me in. :(