I Wish...
I wish that i didn't have any feelings anymore. It seems that at every turn, people are only trying to bombard them or dismissing them altogether. I get cussed at on the day after thanksgiving, i learn terrible things happened to someone i care about and have to be the one to deal with it, i lose my hours at my second job and have to quit. I just want to be numb. But i can't go numb. I feel very down about everything right now. I hate winter. It is my least favorite time of year. Really from November on.
I feel very creative lately, but with no real outlets. And the more i look at my work, the more disappointed i am with my skills (or lack there of). I just want to find something i enjoy that makes me happy so i could have something to focus on beside everything else right now. That's how i'd make myself happy, just finding something i enjoyed, but it seems like a never-ending quest for some reason. I enjoy NOT working and being a bum. That's not a viable answer, or is it? I'm happy not working. I'm happy being a bum. I'm happy not having to deal with the world, because i'm a 26 year old boy who was never prepared to handle it. I'm happy when i'm left the fuck alone by everything negative. I'm happy in my own world, where i don't have to deal with problems. Where i'm better than a human being because i don't HAVE any problems. I'm happy in make believe.
In reality, i'm unhappy because i don't handle problems well and the ones i get aren't ones they teach you how to deal with in school. Where was "how to deal with both your sisters cursing you out the day after Thanksgiving for no real reason except things they made up in their own minds that you MIGHT have been thinking even though they didn't bother to even TALK to you about ANY of it" in a fucking textbook? It was kind of validating to have John over to witness this and hear him say "Jesus! I use to think that it was just your parents that were nuts in your family, but now i'm beginning to wonder... Are you and your brother the only two SANE people in your family???" And my circle of trusted family members and friends is forever imploding. I'm sure working 3rd shift didn't help, but damn. It really does suck to be alone this time of year.
I finally asked Jenny out but never heard back from her as to what or when of IF she wanted to do anything.
People rock. McDonalds serves gray hamburger. Nintendo Power Magazine, "NOW you're playing with POWER!"
I feel very creative lately, but with no real outlets. And the more i look at my work, the more disappointed i am with my skills (or lack there of). I just want to find something i enjoy that makes me happy so i could have something to focus on beside everything else right now. That's how i'd make myself happy, just finding something i enjoyed, but it seems like a never-ending quest for some reason. I enjoy NOT working and being a bum. That's not a viable answer, or is it? I'm happy not working. I'm happy being a bum. I'm happy not having to deal with the world, because i'm a 26 year old boy who was never prepared to handle it. I'm happy when i'm left the fuck alone by everything negative. I'm happy in my own world, where i don't have to deal with problems. Where i'm better than a human being because i don't HAVE any problems. I'm happy in make believe.
In reality, i'm unhappy because i don't handle problems well and the ones i get aren't ones they teach you how to deal with in school. Where was "how to deal with both your sisters cursing you out the day after Thanksgiving for no real reason except things they made up in their own minds that you MIGHT have been thinking even though they didn't bother to even TALK to you about ANY of it" in a fucking textbook? It was kind of validating to have John over to witness this and hear him say "Jesus! I use to think that it was just your parents that were nuts in your family, but now i'm beginning to wonder... Are you and your brother the only two SANE people in your family???" And my circle of trusted family members and friends is forever imploding. I'm sure working 3rd shift didn't help, but damn. It really does suck to be alone this time of year.
I finally asked Jenny out but never heard back from her as to what or when of IF she wanted to do anything.
People rock. McDonalds serves gray hamburger. Nintendo Power Magazine, "NOW you're playing with POWER!"