I think I just turned :::gasp::: EMO?!?!
Today - well, no, longer - I've felt kind of strange. Lonely, but not alone... tired, but not sleepy... I don't know. I left dinner and walked to Main, and sat outside smoking a cigarette and looking around, at people, at my feet, at the squashed yellow leaf by my feet, at my cigarette's orange tip [slowly growing longer, and greyer]... and then I went inside and the lights were so yellow but not like the yellow of the leaf- this was a yellow color that resembled the way I felt - or didn’t feel. And the people inside laughed and I smiled at them, and maybe one or two of them noticed me in passing, although they already had smiles so I couldn’t in fact ever know whether or not they were smiling back at me, or were just caught up in themselves. I highly feel the latter is the case. And it’s natural, so I don’t mind. But I think that’s the trouble - my not minding.
So then I walked back down to the lake, and I looked out over the dark water and past the highlights cast by either the moon or the far-off buildings, and I thought about how I’d like to ponder the meaning of life. But then I got lazy and I lit another cigarette, and decided to [once again] save the pondering for another time, one where A) I was more awake and B) more chipper. As it was, I presumed that my deduced meaning of life just wouldn’t have been so awesome at all.
People here are fine. No, no, they’re better than fine. I think the people here all try to live life a lot, but then maybe they try so hard that they’re not really living it the way they should be. “Should be”… that also brings up some more questions. I haven’t really figured out the “should be”s, not for myself anyway. But then again, I haven’t really tried, because every time I think I might want to, I get a little dry-mouthed and I figure I’d rather just chase after a speck of light as it makes its way gracefully up the side of a brick building, and then it gets lost and I’m looking at the sky and I forget whatever it was I was supposed to be thinking of… and then, once again, existence fails me.
So in respect, I’m a happy kid, and I like things and things and other things, thing “x” and thing “y”- they’re all decent. Sometimes I get kind of fed up with thing “z” but then I remember “z” is just petty anyway, I mean that’s why it’s the last letter, right? Who knows though. Alphabetization was probably just completely random, at one point anyway, and now that it characterizes order you really do have to wonder what it all means. I hope it actually doesn’t mean anything. Yeah, that’d be nice, because then everything could just assume itself naturally and not have to try and go in some crazy order that’s trying to hide its craziness and be civilized.
Today I caught a glimpse of everything and it was all moving so fast, and while I wished I could sort of slow it all down, the quickness and the blurriness was pretty in a way, so sitting in the middle of it wasn’t too much less than enjoyable. I found myself liking the idea of just riding along, on the earth, in the universe, getting off sometimes for quick little jaunts in the woods, but mostly just moseying along with everyone else and taking the route prescribed by whomever it is that makes me get up in the morning and go to be at night. Well, I guess that’s not a person at all, unless it’s myself, which is I guess probably who it is. And now I’m just noticing how often I sound completely unsure with all of my “I guess”es and so on, so hopefully it isn’t me who figures all this out. I hope it’s some guy in China with a satellite video and a microphone that’s implanted in my chest somewhere, because that would be relaxing somehow… because then I could just think [whenever I didn’t really know if something was a good idea): “Damn, who am I kidding? I know that motherfucking Chinese guy has my back!” And life would be so… so ultimate, so fine, so divine.
[disclaimer: I'm coming out of my hermitage tomorrow! I swear. Things will be less heavy then, or else I won't post them in LJ, hahaha...]
So then I walked back down to the lake, and I looked out over the dark water and past the highlights cast by either the moon or the far-off buildings, and I thought about how I’d like to ponder the meaning of life. But then I got lazy and I lit another cigarette, and decided to [once again] save the pondering for another time, one where A) I was more awake and B) more chipper. As it was, I presumed that my deduced meaning of life just wouldn’t have been so awesome at all.
People here are fine. No, no, they’re better than fine. I think the people here all try to live life a lot, but then maybe they try so hard that they’re not really living it the way they should be. “Should be”… that also brings up some more questions. I haven’t really figured out the “should be”s, not for myself anyway. But then again, I haven’t really tried, because every time I think I might want to, I get a little dry-mouthed and I figure I’d rather just chase after a speck of light as it makes its way gracefully up the side of a brick building, and then it gets lost and I’m looking at the sky and I forget whatever it was I was supposed to be thinking of… and then, once again, existence fails me.
So in respect, I’m a happy kid, and I like things and things and other things, thing “x” and thing “y”- they’re all decent. Sometimes I get kind of fed up with thing “z” but then I remember “z” is just petty anyway, I mean that’s why it’s the last letter, right? Who knows though. Alphabetization was probably just completely random, at one point anyway, and now that it characterizes order you really do have to wonder what it all means. I hope it actually doesn’t mean anything. Yeah, that’d be nice, because then everything could just assume itself naturally and not have to try and go in some crazy order that’s trying to hide its craziness and be civilized.
Today I caught a glimpse of everything and it was all moving so fast, and while I wished I could sort of slow it all down, the quickness and the blurriness was pretty in a way, so sitting in the middle of it wasn’t too much less than enjoyable. I found myself liking the idea of just riding along, on the earth, in the universe, getting off sometimes for quick little jaunts in the woods, but mostly just moseying along with everyone else and taking the route prescribed by whomever it is that makes me get up in the morning and go to be at night. Well, I guess that’s not a person at all, unless it’s myself, which is I guess probably who it is. And now I’m just noticing how often I sound completely unsure with all of my “I guess”es and so on, so hopefully it isn’t me who figures all this out. I hope it’s some guy in China with a satellite video and a microphone that’s implanted in my chest somewhere, because that would be relaxing somehow… because then I could just think [whenever I didn’t really know if something was a good idea): “Damn, who am I kidding? I know that motherfucking Chinese guy has my back!” And life would be so… so ultimate, so fine, so divine.
[disclaimer: I'm coming out of my hermitage tomorrow! I swear. Things will be less heavy then, or else I won't post them in LJ, hahaha...]