Last post 13 weeks ago!
Aaah! Boy! you can tell I don't come here much. Figured a good place to go today. I have only two people on my friends list and I doubt either would be reading this. So! No better place to release without worse for wear.
To start, very rough week this week and only getting worse. I have about 20 cents to my name, enough gas to get me through the week. Moreover, I am out of cigarettes and I am not quite over them yet. Guess I will get over them the hard way.
My biggest concern is the gas issue. I have no money, no one to borrow from and no way around it. I may have to take time off next week from work just because I can't afford to drive there. Since I only live 5 1/2 miles away, I am hoping the weather will be nice the next couple of weeks and I will just walk to work or something.
Gah! Being poor. It used to just be this bothersome thing. Now it has just gotten to the point of being stressful and rediculous.
It is has been a slow building battle since september. I keep cutting things out of my life, but it doesn't seem to get any better. I have been evicted, I had a roommate that was paying for the cable, I stopped going to Theios and now even cutting smoking. But it still isn't enough.
The worst part is that if things do not change soon, it is going to effect Pennsic this year. I am sacrificing everything I can to keep the water line at least visable while it is over my head.
It might be a little bit better if it didn't feel like I am losing friends. It feels like they are dropping like flies. I met with Russ last night at Theios (the final hurrah) Jim came in and didn't talk to anyone. He had basically cut himself off to people. Or something, something is going on there, and I just don't have the energy right now to battle through the muck to find out what is going on.
This time around, people are on their own for a bit. I have way too huge of hurdles right now to carry other peoples luggage for them.
Tara can't make it out anymore either. Between working, and only having 1 vehicle, she just can't make it out much.
Then there is the fact that I have had to switch cell numbers due to issues with my phone (cause of the whole, can't afford the things I like aspect). Even though I am still on verizon and get unlimited verizon to verizon phone calls, I don't seem to talk to anyone on the phone anymore.
Which actually is a pretty good thing. Because I dislike venting my problems to others. I would rather just wallow in my own sespool then to burden anyone else. Yeah, this is probably a bad thing, but I want to be there for people. It's hard for people to express how they feel when they feel like you already have enough on your shoulders that they need to hear their problems.
I still feel like I am still at the crossroads, still waiting for a third path the show itself. It seems like I am always facing two directions. Giving up on a chance of love and leading a normal life by giving myself up to the monastic life, or giving up on all that I hold morally true for the sake of the safety and security of being in relationship.
But till then I sit in the middle of the crossroads, holding up traffic and basically realizing I haven't a clue about anything.
Granted, life would be a litle bit easier if I wouldn't have left such a gaping 5 mile wide damage path everytime I slip and screw up.
Why is it, when other people screw up, it seems that it is easily swept under the rug. I make a mistake and it is a nuclear blast with a blast radius of 100 miles, with fall out and radiation damage that lasts 5 decades.
Well, at least when I screw up, I do it really really well.
Tired. I feel like I could sleep for twenty days and never get enough rest.
This all could be because of the huge knot in my back, the lack of nicotine, the lack of sleep and the stress of impending doom that has caused me to have this little freak out.
Or
I'm just cool like that.
It's all good, time for me to GET SOME SLEEP!
Later
To start, very rough week this week and only getting worse. I have about 20 cents to my name, enough gas to get me through the week. Moreover, I am out of cigarettes and I am not quite over them yet. Guess I will get over them the hard way.
My biggest concern is the gas issue. I have no money, no one to borrow from and no way around it. I may have to take time off next week from work just because I can't afford to drive there. Since I only live 5 1/2 miles away, I am hoping the weather will be nice the next couple of weeks and I will just walk to work or something.
Gah! Being poor. It used to just be this bothersome thing. Now it has just gotten to the point of being stressful and rediculous.
It is has been a slow building battle since september. I keep cutting things out of my life, but it doesn't seem to get any better. I have been evicted, I had a roommate that was paying for the cable, I stopped going to Theios and now even cutting smoking. But it still isn't enough.
The worst part is that if things do not change soon, it is going to effect Pennsic this year. I am sacrificing everything I can to keep the water line at least visable while it is over my head.
It might be a little bit better if it didn't feel like I am losing friends. It feels like they are dropping like flies. I met with Russ last night at Theios (the final hurrah) Jim came in and didn't talk to anyone. He had basically cut himself off to people. Or something, something is going on there, and I just don't have the energy right now to battle through the muck to find out what is going on.
This time around, people are on their own for a bit. I have way too huge of hurdles right now to carry other peoples luggage for them.
Tara can't make it out anymore either. Between working, and only having 1 vehicle, she just can't make it out much.
Then there is the fact that I have had to switch cell numbers due to issues with my phone (cause of the whole, can't afford the things I like aspect). Even though I am still on verizon and get unlimited verizon to verizon phone calls, I don't seem to talk to anyone on the phone anymore.
Which actually is a pretty good thing. Because I dislike venting my problems to others. I would rather just wallow in my own sespool then to burden anyone else. Yeah, this is probably a bad thing, but I want to be there for people. It's hard for people to express how they feel when they feel like you already have enough on your shoulders that they need to hear their problems.
I still feel like I am still at the crossroads, still waiting for a third path the show itself. It seems like I am always facing two directions. Giving up on a chance of love and leading a normal life by giving myself up to the monastic life, or giving up on all that I hold morally true for the sake of the safety and security of being in relationship.
But till then I sit in the middle of the crossroads, holding up traffic and basically realizing I haven't a clue about anything.
Granted, life would be a litle bit easier if I wouldn't have left such a gaping 5 mile wide damage path everytime I slip and screw up.
Why is it, when other people screw up, it seems that it is easily swept under the rug. I make a mistake and it is a nuclear blast with a blast radius of 100 miles, with fall out and radiation damage that lasts 5 decades.
Well, at least when I screw up, I do it really really well.
Tired. I feel like I could sleep for twenty days and never get enough rest.
This all could be because of the huge knot in my back, the lack of nicotine, the lack of sleep and the stress of impending doom that has caused me to have this little freak out.
Or
I'm just cool like that.
It's all good, time for me to GET SOME SLEEP!
Later