from earlier this morning
it's 4:15am, I should be sleeping &most would be feeling rather delirious; yet at this moment I've found a sense of clarity. Half of me misses her, the other half wants to comfort her &move onto what life has in store for me next. knowing she's unsettled, without a hand to hold.. that just kills me, because I've been at that place before, and I was once that hand she held. I can't just LEAVE her, although she's left me alone and desperate before. In my opinion, everyone is selfish to an extent, but some are more than others. Perhaps I am being selfish by staying with her because it satisfies my own needs. But I'm certain that I just want her to be happy..
When we began to connect more, we had one thing in common: We both felt betrayed by the person we were the closest with. It's almost like we silently made a pact that we'd take care of eachother for eternity, and wouldn't let that feeling of betrayal {whether or not it was real} happen again. yet.. it did. &.. I was the one hurt. She basically stole all the positive feelings I was trying to accumulate back from that stressful summer. And of course.. when I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. BUT that's over and done with.. &I'm not going to cry about it for the rest of my life. There is so much more to her and I than the betrayal and heartbreak that people see as the bigger picture of our friendship. The bond we had was unbreakable.. mutual affection &understanding, we felt for eachother.. and were together as much as possible. What kept our friendship from staying steady was both our weaknesses: how she needed to escape, and how I gave her so much power. In regards to her 'running away'.. you'll never find what you're looking for if you keep leaving. Also, as with all relationships, it takes two to make/break the connection. I always gave her the power to hurt me, which at the lowest points.. left us both in shambles.
I miss her. I love her. Or maybe I just don't know how to feel.....