Is this real life?
Wow. I'm stressed big time. My nose is twitching. It never twitches.
As the last few days of summer slip away, I often find myself getting lost. Not the kind of lost that requires a road map or directions, but lost from the real world, zoning out, just sort of floating away. My mind just leaves my body sitting in the chair, a glazed over look in my eyes. I’m there but I’m not. There is so much that I have left to do before school starts. I’ve got work, washing dishes Tuesday and Saturday, there’s rehearsal every night from 6 until who knows when. Jill is leaving for college on Thursday. Have I said everything I needed to? Is her gift going to be done in time? There’s that memoir for AP that needs to get finished and I’ve got to download that program for my college course and then do the work by Friday. I just got a new schedule at work and I’ve got three days instead of two and school’s starting. Colleges need to be visited and one eventually needs to be picked. What do I want to do with my life?
It’s no wonder my mind goes on vacation for a few minutes. Sometimes I miss entire conversations. Someone comes up and talks to me and I don’t remember having the conversation. I could have agreed to assassinate a world leader for all I know. I’m not even sure where I go to tell you the truth. It’s just far away. There’s no work, there’s no need to make money for gas and buying school clothes and trying to help my mom out. There’s no college, no school, no homework. It’s just there and I don’t have to do anything. Nothing is expected of me.
My friends are there, too, the ones I’ve ignored all summer because we haven’t had time to do anything except work. No one has to leave at the end of the summer because there are no seasons and there is no college. I don’t cry all the time and everyone is happy.
People have noticed the vacancy in my eyes. Jeff, the ‘sound and lights guy’ at the theater, even said something to me last night. He’s a senior in college and we’ve become friends during shows at the theater. He asked if everything was all right. If someone who barely knows me can tell, I wonder what those who can read me like a book are wondering.
I’m tired all of the time and I just want to curl up and sleep. Just go away and when I wake up, everything will be back to normal. Normal isn’t the right word. Things are never normal. Back to earlier days, sophomore year. That was a good year. I didn’t have to think about college and my friends weren’t leaving.
It’s not that I don’t want to grow up. It’s not that I don’t hope for the best for my friends. It’s not that I don’t want them to go and better themselves and start living life. It’s just why am I stuck here, alone, when I’m ready to spread my wings and go? I know I’m not alone, but sometimes I feel like I am. I know that I’m not the only one experiencing these feelings, but why does it have to hurt so much?
So for now, I’ll let my mind leave my body and I’ll escape to my own make believe world until things work themselves out, which I know they will. It’s just kind of scary not knowing what’s going to happen, exciting and thrilling, but scary. What’s going to become of us, of my friends and family, of me? I just don’t know.
I'm writing my last essay for my AP summer work and my topic is teen sex. I need opinions and feedback. I won't use names so you can tell me anything.
Why do they do it? Or we. Why do we do it? What makes people think they're ready? Why don't they wait? Do they use protection? Are they informed? What age is the norm? Youngest age?
Anything at all.
If you're really daring, you can tell me a personal experience. I promise it's totally confidential. I'll change names and stuff.