Signs

[discipleofchaos]

I'm given this rather distinct feeling almost on a daily basis that I should just cut my throat open with a piece of broken glass and get it over with. I had the same feeling early in high school, it never really went away, and so far I VERY much might as well have. By the time i'm 35 I'm really going to wish I just went ahead and did that. And

Comments

[discipleofchaos]

That's all true. And I can, and have handled that with normal difficulty and parameters for a long time. The part that continues and never really lets up even for a moment still after 20 some odd years, making me crazy, is this constant super fight for just any little speck of luck. To have SOMETHING go my way that would be expected to, might, or probably should. Instead of fighting to get to a point where I should have no reason not to think everything is going to be fine, only to have the most unlikly and bizarre thing happen instead to pull the rug from under me. Reapeatedly to a rediculous, impossible amount. And that's when things were looking fine. So in turn if things would need a push there's no bother to even hope over it. Constantly getting screwed by the impossible and a complete lack of any upswing to counter that fact. That's why I can't imagine that it's not something about me to have this deliberate cloud raining on my head. Spirit gremlins or something. The social insecurity issues are therefore caused by this problem among others like the only thing I can think of that really has to be my fault and that is my complete lack of any usefull skill. Having that problem creates a snowball effect and viscious cycle too big to write about. Everything is just awful. I'm trying to keep my comunications open with my friends and Kellie, which is new for this situation for me, because it just seems like it's getting worse. It's making me angrier than I have ever been in my life and it's happening so often that I'm expecting to burst a blood vessel or something over it.