(no subject)
I'm feeling kind of vulnerable right now. I think that's the root of some of my problems... I've been hurt so much over the past few weeks, from all sides, that I really don't quite know what to make of anything. I've got this whole don't-care attitude now that seems to be working fine, but I have to protect that in order to protect myself and try and move on and heal... So that means a handshake instead of a hug, or pushing away what I really feel, and ignoring what I want to do.
It doesn't seem to matter to you. Granted, it's obvious you don't feel the same way I do. But to you, nothing's changed, it seems. Maybe there was nothing there to begin with, and I deluded myself into thinking that. I don't know. I hope not, because if the last six months were a lie... where does that leave me? So when I pull away, and push you off my shoulder, you need to understand that you can't have it both ways. Maybe there will come a time when it will be friendly and not mean anything anymore. But we're not at that time, and I'm going to want more than you can give me by means of a hug. Otherwise, I just feel vulnerable and open to getting hurt again.
This is why I don't want to study abroad. I can't go somewhere that will leave me vulnerable, when I have nothing now. I can't be broken that way, when I need to fix what's broken now. There is no other time, but now... now is not the time either.
I have too many problems and not enough solutions. I feel like I'm whining, and I hate that, but I'm so lost right now. And the one thing I think would give me the courage to turn around and face it is not something I can rely on. I push myself to care about music theory. I push myself to care about French.
I push myself to care.
Happy Halloween?
Happy Daylight Savings' Time.
Happy?
It doesn't seem to matter to you. Granted, it's obvious you don't feel the same way I do. But to you, nothing's changed, it seems. Maybe there was nothing there to begin with, and I deluded myself into thinking that. I don't know. I hope not, because if the last six months were a lie... where does that leave me? So when I pull away, and push you off my shoulder, you need to understand that you can't have it both ways. Maybe there will come a time when it will be friendly and not mean anything anymore. But we're not at that time, and I'm going to want more than you can give me by means of a hug. Otherwise, I just feel vulnerable and open to getting hurt again.
This is why I don't want to study abroad. I can't go somewhere that will leave me vulnerable, when I have nothing now. I can't be broken that way, when I need to fix what's broken now. There is no other time, but now... now is not the time either.
I have too many problems and not enough solutions. I feel like I'm whining, and I hate that, but I'm so lost right now. And the one thing I think would give me the courage to turn around and face it is not something I can rely on. I push myself to care about music theory. I push myself to care about French.
I push myself to care.
Happy Halloween?
Happy Daylight Savings' Time.
Happy?