Remember
Pep band quite literally saved my life tonight.
Maybe not my living/breathing/biological life, but my mental... life? whatever.
Point is, I was thinking all day about why I wanted to do something as crazy as I'm planning to do. I was kind of regretting joining Phi Mu Alpha; I really thought that if I had the chance to go back to February 19th, the day my car ran out of gas on the way back down 206, I would say, "this is an omen. we can't do this." I was mad, and still kind of am, that very little is working out the way I want it to. That sounds really selfish, but what it comes down to is this: I'm trying to change things and make them work for me, make them work how I want to - changing majors, being musical, having a boyfriend - trying to make my life something more than it is. I really really felt, last night and this morning, that I was/am trying to be someone or something I'm not. I'm not terribly musically talented. That's a fact of life. And for a bit I felt like trying to emphasize something I'm not good at might be a waste of time. Pep band, being there, in front of people, helping them get something right... that reminded me of all those years ago when I was first thinking of music ed and what I wanted to do. I never want to teach French. French is for me, the literature is for me, it's for my enjoyment and my talent and whatever. But I want to teach music, because seeing it all come together, seeing the people I'm directing accomplish something, seeing that happen, is what I want to do. I remember now, and that gives me new courage. I'm not sure what I'll do if I don't make it. More and more I don't want to study abroad. Part of it is the work that goes into it, and part of it because I despise the program I'm going into. I'm not only apparently the only guy, I'm pretty much the only student who's not from University of Oregon, as far as I can tell. I will be so alone, and I hate that, even though sometimes I might choose it.
Is it a step backwards to remember an old dream? I was thinking that's my problem too. That I don't have any real dreams right now. I'm working towards this degree with only a vague idea of what might happen after. I think that's why mus ed appeals to me so much: it's got a defined job at the end, a goal. I miss having a dream. I have the inklings of a dream now, and I don't want to give that up. I had to separate, though, the desire for the opportunity staying would afford me "romantically" (so to speak) and remember why, deep down, I wanted to do it.
I remember.
I don't want to ever let that go again.
The biggest challenge is going after that dream maturely, rather than how I might have pursued it originally.
Let's get in first, shall we?
6 days.
Maybe not my living/breathing/biological life, but my mental... life? whatever.
Point is, I was thinking all day about why I wanted to do something as crazy as I'm planning to do. I was kind of regretting joining Phi Mu Alpha; I really thought that if I had the chance to go back to February 19th, the day my car ran out of gas on the way back down 206, I would say, "this is an omen. we can't do this." I was mad, and still kind of am, that very little is working out the way I want it to. That sounds really selfish, but what it comes down to is this: I'm trying to change things and make them work for me, make them work how I want to - changing majors, being musical, having a boyfriend - trying to make my life something more than it is. I really really felt, last night and this morning, that I was/am trying to be someone or something I'm not. I'm not terribly musically talented. That's a fact of life. And for a bit I felt like trying to emphasize something I'm not good at might be a waste of time. Pep band, being there, in front of people, helping them get something right... that reminded me of all those years ago when I was first thinking of music ed and what I wanted to do. I never want to teach French. French is for me, the literature is for me, it's for my enjoyment and my talent and whatever. But I want to teach music, because seeing it all come together, seeing the people I'm directing accomplish something, seeing that happen, is what I want to do. I remember now, and that gives me new courage. I'm not sure what I'll do if I don't make it. More and more I don't want to study abroad. Part of it is the work that goes into it, and part of it because I despise the program I'm going into. I'm not only apparently the only guy, I'm pretty much the only student who's not from University of Oregon, as far as I can tell. I will be so alone, and I hate that, even though sometimes I might choose it.
Is it a step backwards to remember an old dream? I was thinking that's my problem too. That I don't have any real dreams right now. I'm working towards this degree with only a vague idea of what might happen after. I think that's why mus ed appeals to me so much: it's got a defined job at the end, a goal. I miss having a dream. I have the inklings of a dream now, and I don't want to give that up. I had to separate, though, the desire for the opportunity staying would afford me "romantically" (so to speak) and remember why, deep down, I wanted to do it.
I remember.
I don't want to ever let that go again.
The biggest challenge is going after that dream maturely, rather than how I might have pursued it originally.
Let's get in first, shall we?
6 days.