(no subject)
i dont kno how to start this so i might as well just go.
I have been thinking a lot about myself, and my personality and why I am the way I am. And i've come to the conclusion, well not exactly conclusion, but outlined some things at least in my life right now that I would like to record, for my person benefit. This means that you do not have to continue reading this if you don't want to. I'll probably just write what I am thinking, so it could get broring. This is going to get personal. I am afraid to do this, but it is my journal. So. Let me make this clear. This is for me. Not you.
Ragging rights.
i rag on a lot of people. a lot of times i dont even realize im doing it. i feel like a hypocrayte doing it. a lot of times ill make fun of my dad. all the time in fact. and i think its just cause i look up to him so much. i mean, he went to harvard. i could never get into harvard. ever. and i expect him to push me harder. and sometimes i feel like he does to much. and then other times i feel he doesnt. i think i try my hardest when they kinda turn there back and just let me go cause then i feel like i am doing it for myself. but i really look up to him. and yet i rag on him all the time. i mean, he can be annoying. some days it seems like hes always on my back, but i guess thats what fathers are suppose to do. hes always going. he never stops. he is truly mr. intensity, and yet i love him for it. he gets things done. period. i wish he were going to belize. i really do.... and yet im glad that hes not. cause iv never really been anywhere on my own. i mean i have, but i havent. never the less, out of the country a lone. and i feel bad cause when jason was here he was in his kinda angry mood. and so jason thinks of him as mr. angry all the time. but hes not, and i think jason knows that. anyway, back to ragging. someday ill get what i desurve. i rag on krissy sometimes. shes one of my best friends. and one time i was over derecks and it was like 3 and max and i were talking about her. i said some mean things. and i have before about her. and i feel bad about it too. i said that shes stuck up and snotty. and hey, everyone is. i kno i am. but she means a lot to me. were going to see dave and im so happy that she is going with me! i wish it were just us two, but i dont mind our parents coming. i find mr. d really funny! but she thinks its lame. oh well. i guess to her they are. i had so much fun with her wed. night. she makes me so.. just not me. and a lot of people think im crazy for her, romanticly like. but im not. period. were best friends. and i am very happy that way. awhile a go we kinda drew the line in the sand that i dont get involved in her life and she doesnt in mine, cause honeslty, i cant take it. shes done some things that would get me very upset, because i cared about her so much, and so id blatenly get angry at her for doing it. and so we kinda just stopped. i mean we still talk about school and stuff. i mean how could we not. i dont kno how to describe it, but its not as personal as it was before.
meghan
i dont give my sister as much credit as i should. one time in belize i totaly dissed her. i was talking to robert and he was just in a fight w. krissy and i started to totaly down my sister. i think she put me through a lot of crap more when i was in middle school and where we first moved here. every day id come home and wed end up fighting.. about the studidest things. lol its funny looking back on it now. we dont really talk that much. i mean we do, but we're not that close. one time though she brought me to the beach, and i dont like taking my shirt of, cause im self concious about my chest. and shes like oh come on matt no one cares. and we swam together for hours. thats probably the best memory of her i have. she took me to the beach a lone that day last summer. and on the way home, we stopped and bought ice cream :). it may sound gay to you. but it isnt to me.
no headline for this one. i am really confused about myself. im really quiet. i like being quiet, and i hate it. i dont like it cause a lot of things i think just stay in my mind and gradually grow larger over time. little really stupid things. if iv ever told you something about you that i dont like, or that im upset about, trust me, it means a lot, that you mean a lot to me. even if its the stupidest thing ever. cause i dont usually talk a lot openly. and im always afraid that i do. its really weird. i dont like being open. i feel so.. vulnerable. and yet i like it, cause then i share something with someone that is special. this makes no sence to you, but it does to me.
blah i dont kno how to end this. these are just my thoughts. as of right now, friday night at 7:10. take it as it is.
I have been thinking a lot about myself, and my personality and why I am the way I am. And i've come to the conclusion, well not exactly conclusion, but outlined some things at least in my life right now that I would like to record, for my person benefit. This means that you do not have to continue reading this if you don't want to. I'll probably just write what I am thinking, so it could get broring. This is going to get personal. I am afraid to do this, but it is my journal. So. Let me make this clear. This is for me. Not you.
Ragging rights.
i rag on a lot of people. a lot of times i dont even realize im doing it. i feel like a hypocrayte doing it. a lot of times ill make fun of my dad. all the time in fact. and i think its just cause i look up to him so much. i mean, he went to harvard. i could never get into harvard. ever. and i expect him to push me harder. and sometimes i feel like he does to much. and then other times i feel he doesnt. i think i try my hardest when they kinda turn there back and just let me go cause then i feel like i am doing it for myself. but i really look up to him. and yet i rag on him all the time. i mean, he can be annoying. some days it seems like hes always on my back, but i guess thats what fathers are suppose to do. hes always going. he never stops. he is truly mr. intensity, and yet i love him for it. he gets things done. period. i wish he were going to belize. i really do.... and yet im glad that hes not. cause iv never really been anywhere on my own. i mean i have, but i havent. never the less, out of the country a lone. and i feel bad cause when jason was here he was in his kinda angry mood. and so jason thinks of him as mr. angry all the time. but hes not, and i think jason knows that. anyway, back to ragging. someday ill get what i desurve. i rag on krissy sometimes. shes one of my best friends. and one time i was over derecks and it was like 3 and max and i were talking about her. i said some mean things. and i have before about her. and i feel bad about it too. i said that shes stuck up and snotty. and hey, everyone is. i kno i am. but she means a lot to me. were going to see dave and im so happy that she is going with me! i wish it were just us two, but i dont mind our parents coming. i find mr. d really funny! but she thinks its lame. oh well. i guess to her they are. i had so much fun with her wed. night. she makes me so.. just not me. and a lot of people think im crazy for her, romanticly like. but im not. period. were best friends. and i am very happy that way. awhile a go we kinda drew the line in the sand that i dont get involved in her life and she doesnt in mine, cause honeslty, i cant take it. shes done some things that would get me very upset, because i cared about her so much, and so id blatenly get angry at her for doing it. and so we kinda just stopped. i mean we still talk about school and stuff. i mean how could we not. i dont kno how to describe it, but its not as personal as it was before.
meghan
i dont give my sister as much credit as i should. one time in belize i totaly dissed her. i was talking to robert and he was just in a fight w. krissy and i started to totaly down my sister. i think she put me through a lot of crap more when i was in middle school and where we first moved here. every day id come home and wed end up fighting.. about the studidest things. lol its funny looking back on it now. we dont really talk that much. i mean we do, but we're not that close. one time though she brought me to the beach, and i dont like taking my shirt of, cause im self concious about my chest. and shes like oh come on matt no one cares. and we swam together for hours. thats probably the best memory of her i have. she took me to the beach a lone that day last summer. and on the way home, we stopped and bought ice cream :). it may sound gay to you. but it isnt to me.
no headline for this one. i am really confused about myself. im really quiet. i like being quiet, and i hate it. i dont like it cause a lot of things i think just stay in my mind and gradually grow larger over time. little really stupid things. if iv ever told you something about you that i dont like, or that im upset about, trust me, it means a lot, that you mean a lot to me. even if its the stupidest thing ever. cause i dont usually talk a lot openly. and im always afraid that i do. its really weird. i dont like being open. i feel so.. vulnerable. and yet i like it, cause then i share something with someone that is special. this makes no sence to you, but it does to me.
blah i dont kno how to end this. these are just my thoughts. as of right now, friday night at 7:10. take it as it is.