I hate my printer. Maybe loathe would be a better word.
I seriously hate my printer. It's an HP Officejet Pro 8500, and I'm about to go all 'office space' on it. "PC LOAD LETTER??? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???"
Except in my case, this stupid printer has to do 'warm up' calisthenics Every. Freaking. Time. I need to print something! I literally have to wait 3 to 5 minutes before the damn thing will print anything out! And it's doing all it's biddley-bob-farty-around checks to make sure it's ready to print.
Print Master: "Blue cartridge! Are you ready?!"
Blue cartridge: "SIR, YES SIR!"
Print Master: "Ok, let me see you move left to right over this area, where the blank piece of paper will be when you actually need to do your job, which will be soon. As soon as the cartridge checks are complete."
Blue cartridge: "SIR,YES SIR!" -/jiggles about in a seeming random pattern for a few seconds. "REQUESTED TASK COMPLETE SIR!"
Print Master: "Good Job blue cartridge!"
Blue cartridge: "THANK YOU SIR!"
Print Master: Red Cartridge! Are you ready?!?
Red cartridge: "SIR, YES SIR!"
Print Master: "Cartridge, it is now YOUR turn to show your potential ready-ness by demonstrating a test run through your paces! GO! GO! GO!!!"
Red cartridge: "SIR, YES SIR!"
... And this repeats for yellow and black....
... And JUST when you think it's FINALLY done...
Print Master: "PAPER CARTRIDGE!! Are you ready?!?"
Paper cartridge: "SIR,YES SIR!" /warning beep "WAIT! NO SIR!"
Print Master: "WHAT?"
/All the other cartridges stare at the paper cartridge in abject horror. They immediately loose their settings all over the carpet.
Paper cartridge: "SIR,...THERE SEEMS TO BE A JAM SIR!"
Print Master: "YOU have 30 SECONDS to get that jam FIXED Cartridge!!"
Paper cartridge: "UMMmmm SIR? IT SEEMS WE REQUIRE OUTSIDE ASSISTANCE FOR THIS TASK SIR! ... IT CAN NOT BE COMPLETED AS YOU HAVE REQUESTED.... SIR."
Print Master: "What TYPE of assistance CARTRIDGE??"
Paper cartridge: THE ‘ALMIGHTY HAND’ SIR. Ummm... WE DO NOT HAVE THE... uhh... ABILITY... TO PRESS THE "CANCEL BUTTON" SIR."
Print Master: "(Censored, /censored, /censored, /censored.) PAPER CARTRIDGE!!! Now we have to put the WHOLE warm up on HOLD until the Almighty Hand presses the button. At which time we will RE-START our warm up checks from the beginning! BLUE CARTRIDGE!! Get your butt in gear and stand ready for your warm-up check as soon as the ‘Almighty Hand’ does its thing!
Blue cartridge: "SIR, YES SIR!"
I seriously hate this printer. Seriously.
Except in my case, this stupid printer has to do 'warm up' calisthenics Every. Freaking. Time. I need to print something! I literally have to wait 3 to 5 minutes before the damn thing will print anything out! And it's doing all it's biddley-bob-farty-around checks to make sure it's ready to print.
Print Master: "Blue cartridge! Are you ready?!"
Blue cartridge: "SIR, YES SIR!"
Print Master: "Ok, let me see you move left to right over this area, where the blank piece of paper will be when you actually need to do your job, which will be soon. As soon as the cartridge checks are complete."
Blue cartridge: "SIR,YES SIR!" -/jiggles about in a seeming random pattern for a few seconds. "REQUESTED TASK COMPLETE SIR!"
Print Master: "Good Job blue cartridge!"
Blue cartridge: "THANK YOU SIR!"
Print Master: Red Cartridge! Are you ready?!?
Red cartridge: "SIR, YES SIR!"
Print Master: "Cartridge, it is now YOUR turn to show your potential ready-ness by demonstrating a test run through your paces! GO! GO! GO!!!"
Red cartridge: "SIR, YES SIR!"
... And this repeats for yellow and black....
... And JUST when you think it's FINALLY done...
Print Master: "PAPER CARTRIDGE!! Are you ready?!?"
Paper cartridge: "SIR,YES SIR!" /warning beep "WAIT! NO SIR!"
Print Master: "WHAT?"
/All the other cartridges stare at the paper cartridge in abject horror. They immediately loose their settings all over the carpet.
Paper cartridge: "SIR,...THERE SEEMS TO BE A JAM SIR!"
Print Master: "YOU have 30 SECONDS to get that jam FIXED Cartridge!!"
Paper cartridge: "UMMmmm SIR? IT SEEMS WE REQUIRE OUTSIDE ASSISTANCE FOR THIS TASK SIR! ... IT CAN NOT BE COMPLETED AS YOU HAVE REQUESTED.... SIR."
Print Master: "What TYPE of assistance CARTRIDGE??"
Paper cartridge: THE ‘ALMIGHTY HAND’ SIR. Ummm... WE DO NOT HAVE THE... uhh... ABILITY... TO PRESS THE "CANCEL BUTTON" SIR."
Print Master: "(Censored, /censored, /censored, /censored.) PAPER CARTRIDGE!!! Now we have to put the WHOLE warm up on HOLD until the Almighty Hand presses the button. At which time we will RE-START our warm up checks from the beginning! BLUE CARTRIDGE!! Get your butt in gear and stand ready for your warm-up check as soon as the ‘Almighty Hand’ does its thing!
Blue cartridge: "SIR, YES SIR!"
I seriously hate this printer. Seriously.