Impermanence
I feel the need to write. I’m not quite sure what the onset was that caused this desire, whether listening to 9GOATS BLACK OUT and being inspired, whether it’s pre-exam stress, or whether it’s just a desire for more clarity of thought. I’d like to think it’s the latter. I’m in no way depressed, nor am I experiencing a midlife crisis. I feel as If I’m content, minus some small unknown irking desire. I’m more or less just unsure about everything in generality. Summed up, I’m simply questioning “Why?”
Now finishing my inaugural year at college I feel as if I have so much potential. My problem is about the what and the why. Before college I wanted to be an engineer, but that changed after 3 years and I developed a liking toward chemistry, particularly the idea of forensic science. After first semester’s Chem 109 I did not see the practicality of continuing pursuing a vocation in that field. Based on my long term interests I am now seeking an occupation involving music, media, internet, and cultures. I’d like to work with Music/Media/Internet relations between the US and Japan.
I guess I started doubting the utmost importance and dire necessity in making a “Life changing” decision. Most significantly I questioned thy why of existence and what our purpose is and what it matters. We all seem to seek out the effect of leaving our imprint on humanity, but what does it really matter? We serve functions through our occupations, but what do our efforts to do so really do in the long run? Doctors heal and do their best to lengthen the lives of others, but what are those others going to do with their lives? Humanity as a whole, while we grow in number what is our ultimate deciding function? It’s an individual’s world. We really don’t do much other than to seek out more knowledge, I realize now I do so more as a form of self entertainment. Our opportunities are built off our desires, and I don’t want to futilely seek out a method of leaving my footprint, how many people truly have left theirs? I’m going to work my hardest to impress myself. I find little fulfillment in the conventional. We’re all busy ants building our mound, but where is the real permanence of anything?
What is the function of our interpersonal relationships? Though it is nice to think of friendships as being eternal, where is the truth in that? Just recently I more clearly realized this when someone I thought was my friend pulled a cut-and-run, blaming their own personal problems on our group. Where can one achieve satisfaction through that? I’m more or less disappointed in myself for not having realized how much she never wanted the group to be a group, particularly how much she disliked me (for reasons I fail to understand and don’t really care to know) and how much she tried to dirty my image to sway the others views. However, I’m lucky to have such a great group of friends. No matter how much we tick each other off and how frequently, we more or less function as a whole. Our differing personalities have complemented each other well, and we work well as a counseling body. How long will this group really play a role in my life? What of the friends from high school that I haven’t been in contact with much in the past year? I still solidly stake out my loyalties, and I anticipate a well deserved summer of revisiting these significant people while also working to continually build these new friendships as well.
As I sit and witness all other students here I am building on the realization that the stereotypes of high school fail to apply. Everyone is more or less the same, some seeking for their functions unaware of our impermanence and what should hold less significance, others who may have come to the realization and are in the same position as me. There is more than one way to be happy.
As I have spent more time outside in the beginnings of spring (yeah, it’s WI so things are just starting to awaken) I have become a lot more aware of my surroundings. While we search to stake out our functions, which will unlikely leave a lasting imprint like one would hope, the trees with their branches still mostly barren have their function already decided for them. While they singly hold little significance as a whole trees serve to assist the existence of other living things (through respiration and consumption). I really want to get a camera this summer so I can document this impermanence through feeble digital memories.
While I am not unhappy, I feel pent up. I want a reason to cry but not unhappily, just a good cry. I haven’t been able to write, but I feel that it will be more free-flowing from now while I attempt to situate my thoughts.
Why do people make themselves unhappy in their search for either purpose or fulfillment? I don't know the answer, but I don’t want to be one of the unhappy many.
9GOATS BLACK OUT - SINK:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=YXA7REzrXBo
Now finishing my inaugural year at college I feel as if I have so much potential. My problem is about the what and the why. Before college I wanted to be an engineer, but that changed after 3 years and I developed a liking toward chemistry, particularly the idea of forensic science. After first semester’s Chem 109 I did not see the practicality of continuing pursuing a vocation in that field. Based on my long term interests I am now seeking an occupation involving music, media, internet, and cultures. I’d like to work with Music/Media/Internet relations between the US and Japan.
I guess I started doubting the utmost importance and dire necessity in making a “Life changing” decision. Most significantly I questioned thy why of existence and what our purpose is and what it matters. We all seem to seek out the effect of leaving our imprint on humanity, but what does it really matter? We serve functions through our occupations, but what do our efforts to do so really do in the long run? Doctors heal and do their best to lengthen the lives of others, but what are those others going to do with their lives? Humanity as a whole, while we grow in number what is our ultimate deciding function? It’s an individual’s world. We really don’t do much other than to seek out more knowledge, I realize now I do so more as a form of self entertainment. Our opportunities are built off our desires, and I don’t want to futilely seek out a method of leaving my footprint, how many people truly have left theirs? I’m going to work my hardest to impress myself. I find little fulfillment in the conventional. We’re all busy ants building our mound, but where is the real permanence of anything?
What is the function of our interpersonal relationships? Though it is nice to think of friendships as being eternal, where is the truth in that? Just recently I more clearly realized this when someone I thought was my friend pulled a cut-and-run, blaming their own personal problems on our group. Where can one achieve satisfaction through that? I’m more or less disappointed in myself for not having realized how much she never wanted the group to be a group, particularly how much she disliked me (for reasons I fail to understand and don’t really care to know) and how much she tried to dirty my image to sway the others views. However, I’m lucky to have such a great group of friends. No matter how much we tick each other off and how frequently, we more or less function as a whole. Our differing personalities have complemented each other well, and we work well as a counseling body. How long will this group really play a role in my life? What of the friends from high school that I haven’t been in contact with much in the past year? I still solidly stake out my loyalties, and I anticipate a well deserved summer of revisiting these significant people while also working to continually build these new friendships as well.
As I sit and witness all other students here I am building on the realization that the stereotypes of high school fail to apply. Everyone is more or less the same, some seeking for their functions unaware of our impermanence and what should hold less significance, others who may have come to the realization and are in the same position as me. There is more than one way to be happy.
As I have spent more time outside in the beginnings of spring (yeah, it’s WI so things are just starting to awaken) I have become a lot more aware of my surroundings. While we search to stake out our functions, which will unlikely leave a lasting imprint like one would hope, the trees with their branches still mostly barren have their function already decided for them. While they singly hold little significance as a whole trees serve to assist the existence of other living things (through respiration and consumption). I really want to get a camera this summer so I can document this impermanence through feeble digital memories.
While I am not unhappy, I feel pent up. I want a reason to cry but not unhappily, just a good cry. I haven’t been able to write, but I feel that it will be more free-flowing from now while I attempt to situate my thoughts.
Why do people make themselves unhappy in their search for either purpose or fulfillment? I don't know the answer, but I don’t want to be one of the unhappy many.
9GOATS BLACK OUT - SINK:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=YXA7REzrXBo