(no subject)
After posting here last night, I sat down with paper and pencils and wrote a bunch of very self depreciating ranting everything. I confined myself to the couch for a bit in order to make sure I wouldn't give in and cut. I finally got up and woke my boyfriend up and had him read it. He came out to the living room and talked with me and sat with me and made sure I'd be okay. We didn't get back to bed until almost 4AM, but I kinda feel better today. I want so badly to get over everything that should be left in my past. Cutting is obviously a serious issue in itself. As far as smoking goes, I know that there are plenty of successful happy people who smoke and it doesn't detract from that. I don't see myself as one of those people though. For me, when I feel like a failure, I become one. I feel bad about a situation, so I make another bad choice, and another, and on and on until climbing out of that seems impossible and there's no reason (in my mind) to try and avoid more bad choices and habits. In my mind, there's a clear distinction between happy, healthy, and successful; and depressed, struggling, and failing. I need to keep myself from going across that line in order to not fall completely into that pattern.
Knowing that Eddie, coffee, and a few things I'm excited for in the future can change my thought patterns right now is an amazing feeling. Knowing that I can talk to him and not have him see me as already having failed is awesome too. My future and my well-being are in much better hands now than they were a year ago.
Knowing that Eddie, coffee, and a few things I'm excited for in the future can change my thought patterns right now is an amazing feeling. Knowing that I can talk to him and not have him see me as already having failed is awesome too. My future and my well-being are in much better hands now than they were a year ago.