I Have This Constant Need...
...to fuck everything in my life up completely.
And I don't know why.
I have what I want, I'm with my boyfriend, I got away from the expectations of a tiny close-minded town, I have plans for my future. I haven't smoked in two months, I haven't cut in three months. All I can think of is which of those two things I want to do. Actually, to be honest, I know I'd buy a pack of cigarettes in a heartbeat if I left the apartment right now. I don't get what it is. I've quit smoking before, and at some point afterward I get an insatiable craving long after any type of addiction should be gone from my system and it plagues me until I give in and buy a pack. Sometimes that's a couple of months after I quit, once it was a year and a half. I don't know how long the craving lasts, because I usually only make it a week or two before I bum from someone or buy my own, but then it's all downhill because I never just want one cigarette. I like smoking. I don't know why. I know that not smoking is better for me, more in line with my goals and who I see myself as in life and all that, but I really do enjoy it. If it weren't for important people (read: boyfriends, past ones and current one) disapproving so strongly I wouldn't have ever attempted to quit. At the same time, I also reminisce about cutting and the release and the lightness afterward. I still always feel like I'm hiding from everyone anyway, and really, hiding cuts isn't that hard (except from boyfriend) and oh god, the feeling of letting everything out at once is something that I haven't ever experienced any other way. I know that in order to keep doing what I want and need to be doing in my life I need to stop this thinking and find a way to get my mind on a more healthy track, but I don't know how to do that. I've never successfully talked to someone about the inexplicable desire to start smoking after having quit for a while, and I don't know that I can do it. I've also never admitted to starting smoking again after having given in, I'm always found out despite my attempts to hide it. Sadly, what's stopping me now is the fact that we literally can't afford for me to smoke. I debated bumming one from someone at work tonight so much that I got a little adrenaline rush at the thought of getting what I wanted so badly, but I didn't. I miss the people in MN that I wouldn't think twice about bumming from, the people who would think it was odd that I DON'T smoke, rather than it being unusual that I wanted to. I miss a lot about MN. It's kind of hard to comprehend that I won't ever be living there again.
The more I type, the more I think. The more I think, the more I feel like a failure. The more I feel like a failure, the more I talk myself into just failing on these things as well. If I already fail at life, I might as well do what I enjoy too, right? I don't even know what to do. And I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Fuck. I hate being so far away from everyone. I wish I could go to Anna's, or Ivy's, or the 40 and just talk to someone who understands and who is fucked up themselves. I feel like I have to be so perfect down here, like I have to prove that it wasn't a mistake. Damnit, I want a cigarette.
I'm pathetic.
And I don't know why.
I have what I want, I'm with my boyfriend, I got away from the expectations of a tiny close-minded town, I have plans for my future. I haven't smoked in two months, I haven't cut in three months. All I can think of is which of those two things I want to do. Actually, to be honest, I know I'd buy a pack of cigarettes in a heartbeat if I left the apartment right now. I don't get what it is. I've quit smoking before, and at some point afterward I get an insatiable craving long after any type of addiction should be gone from my system and it plagues me until I give in and buy a pack. Sometimes that's a couple of months after I quit, once it was a year and a half. I don't know how long the craving lasts, because I usually only make it a week or two before I bum from someone or buy my own, but then it's all downhill because I never just want one cigarette. I like smoking. I don't know why. I know that not smoking is better for me, more in line with my goals and who I see myself as in life and all that, but I really do enjoy it. If it weren't for important people (read: boyfriends, past ones and current one) disapproving so strongly I wouldn't have ever attempted to quit. At the same time, I also reminisce about cutting and the release and the lightness afterward. I still always feel like I'm hiding from everyone anyway, and really, hiding cuts isn't that hard (except from boyfriend) and oh god, the feeling of letting everything out at once is something that I haven't ever experienced any other way. I know that in order to keep doing what I want and need to be doing in my life I need to stop this thinking and find a way to get my mind on a more healthy track, but I don't know how to do that. I've never successfully talked to someone about the inexplicable desire to start smoking after having quit for a while, and I don't know that I can do it. I've also never admitted to starting smoking again after having given in, I'm always found out despite my attempts to hide it. Sadly, what's stopping me now is the fact that we literally can't afford for me to smoke. I debated bumming one from someone at work tonight so much that I got a little adrenaline rush at the thought of getting what I wanted so badly, but I didn't. I miss the people in MN that I wouldn't think twice about bumming from, the people who would think it was odd that I DON'T smoke, rather than it being unusual that I wanted to. I miss a lot about MN. It's kind of hard to comprehend that I won't ever be living there again.
The more I type, the more I think. The more I think, the more I feel like a failure. The more I feel like a failure, the more I talk myself into just failing on these things as well. If I already fail at life, I might as well do what I enjoy too, right? I don't even know what to do. And I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Fuck. I hate being so far away from everyone. I wish I could go to Anna's, or Ivy's, or the 40 and just talk to someone who understands and who is fucked up themselves. I feel like I have to be so perfect down here, like I have to prove that it wasn't a mistake. Damnit, I want a cigarette.
I'm pathetic.