Self Sabotage
Not self injury. I don't want anyone worried about that, I'm not at that stage at all.
I'm so frustrated with myself. I set up goals for myself, I just set them up on Monday. I know I can achieve them. And yet, I choose to ignore them constantly. I said I'd exercise 3 hours a week, I've exercised barely over 2. I said I'd spend an hour on homework every day, I've spent about 2 hours all week...and my grades show it. I'm starting to bury myself deep enough that digging out will be difficult. I realize that I'm building a wall, I can almost see it happening. And with every brick on that wall, it's going to be harder to get myself back to functioning on Monday morning. I don't want to fail myself, I don't want to fail anyone who still has expectations of me, but I can't keep myself up right now. I'm not suicidal, I'm not self injurious, I'm not hopeless, I'm just frustrated. And in my frustration, I rebel against myself.
God, how pathetic is that? I diagnosed my own issue, I named the cause, and I know the solution. Yet I can't do it. Why can't I function? I want nothing more than to be a normal, productive, helpful, successful member of society. I want to put everything behind me and have the praise I get occaisionally be actually deserved. i want to feel normal, successful, happy...not just appear it. I'm not an actress, I don't want to be. I want to be real, real and happy. That shouldn't be out of reach, but I keep sabotaging myself. I'm pathetic.
I'm so frustrated with myself. I set up goals for myself, I just set them up on Monday. I know I can achieve them. And yet, I choose to ignore them constantly. I said I'd exercise 3 hours a week, I've exercised barely over 2. I said I'd spend an hour on homework every day, I've spent about 2 hours all week...and my grades show it. I'm starting to bury myself deep enough that digging out will be difficult. I realize that I'm building a wall, I can almost see it happening. And with every brick on that wall, it's going to be harder to get myself back to functioning on Monday morning. I don't want to fail myself, I don't want to fail anyone who still has expectations of me, but I can't keep myself up right now. I'm not suicidal, I'm not self injurious, I'm not hopeless, I'm just frustrated. And in my frustration, I rebel against myself.
God, how pathetic is that? I diagnosed my own issue, I named the cause, and I know the solution. Yet I can't do it. Why can't I function? I want nothing more than to be a normal, productive, helpful, successful member of society. I want to put everything behind me and have the praise I get occaisionally be actually deserved. i want to feel normal, successful, happy...not just appear it. I'm not an actress, I don't want to be. I want to be real, real and happy. That shouldn't be out of reach, but I keep sabotaging myself. I'm pathetic.