"I like your scarf."
I hate my life, says the baby.
Put a bullet in your head, says the adult.
I'm changing religions (but not really) to either Buddhism or Satanism, both because of the same person. He's Buddhist and suggests - but not to me directly - one of the four Noble Truths, which is, in sum, to stop wanting what we can't have. I know I've built him up so much in my mind that now he doesn't sit on the pedestal I've created for him but floats... and every day he floats higher. His sister blogged about being lonely and her heart not working and why can't she find a decent boyfriend? and he read it, reading my words and my frustration.
Just tell him how you feel, my friends say.
Impossible, I reply, and that's it.
J says he's probably like him and shy... but it's most likely because he doesn't like me in that way. He has probably reached "enlightenment" (or whatever is accepted as such) and realizes what I wish I could make myself believe - that a relationship is ancillary, if unnecessary, to existence. He doesn't NEED one and is thus not looking, not wanting. In short, he might as well be gay I guess. At least I wouldn't doubt myself; at least I wouldn't want what I can't have. No, I'd still want him but if he was gay it'd be more understandable.
There are the Other Three -
(M - would move away in a second
D - doesn't seem to like me as much as I like him
M2 - probably only wants frequent sex)
- the three other possiblities of guys to choose from at this point in time. But I'd give them all one thousand times up for my enlightened secret paramour.
I'm feeling fat again. I think it's time to go on another diet.
Put a bullet in your head, says the adult.
I'm changing religions (but not really) to either Buddhism or Satanism, both because of the same person. He's Buddhist and suggests - but not to me directly - one of the four Noble Truths, which is, in sum, to stop wanting what we can't have. I know I've built him up so much in my mind that now he doesn't sit on the pedestal I've created for him but floats... and every day he floats higher. His sister blogged about being lonely and her heart not working and why can't she find a decent boyfriend? and he read it, reading my words and my frustration.
Just tell him how you feel, my friends say.
Impossible, I reply, and that's it.
J says he's probably like him and shy... but it's most likely because he doesn't like me in that way. He has probably reached "enlightenment" (or whatever is accepted as such) and realizes what I wish I could make myself believe - that a relationship is ancillary, if unnecessary, to existence. He doesn't NEED one and is thus not looking, not wanting. In short, he might as well be gay I guess. At least I wouldn't doubt myself; at least I wouldn't want what I can't have. No, I'd still want him but if he was gay it'd be more understandable.
There are the Other Three -
(M - would move away in a second
D - doesn't seem to like me as much as I like him
M2 - probably only wants frequent sex)
- the three other possiblities of guys to choose from at this point in time. But I'd give them all one thousand times up for my enlightened secret paramour.
I'm feeling fat again. I think it's time to go on another diet.