A study in emotion with excessive use of figurative language
What's worse than feeling like you've hit the bottom of the barrel? Knowing that the bottom of the barrel is wet, dirty and rotten and is ready to give at any second, dropping you into something far worse. I feel terrible right now. I think the worse thing is that I keep trying to tell myself that I don't have it off too bad. I live a comfortable middle class college life. My schooling is mostly taken care of financially, I know that even if it may take yet another semester more than originally planned (putting me at 5 1/2 years, grrr), I will eventually finish school here and find a modest career in education. Maybe there's even a wonderful young woman out there just waiting for me, someone who not only will love me back, but actually be able to make some sort of commitment to me based on that love. In all reality most of that is probably true, but right now, I just can't see it, I refuse to see it. What i see is a guy who is hanging on to everything he can by a string trying to pretend everything is okay. Well it's not okay! I think the worst part of it all is that I did this all to myself. Why am I having issues with school and money? Because I didn't keep on top of things. Why am I dealing with so much agony from my lovely romantic history? Because I have spent so much time and effort investing myself into girls that couldn't/wouldn't give the same thing back into me. I am so bitter about the two grand "I'm sorry. I love you but..."s in my life when they're probably my fault for giving myself up so completely and creating a sad sort of dependency. I look at myself and the state I'm in and I see something sad and pathetic, something that I am disappointed in. I've heard people tell me that I'm smart, good looking, kind, sweet, caring and many other positive attributes, I look into the mirror right now and I don't see any of that, I see someone that had potential to be all of those things and somehow chose to let things spiral out of control until he he felt ready to snap. But hey, the fact that I'm writing this must mean something is going right, right? It does appear that those that are the best off bitch the most, don't they?