You Can Do Better Than Me
Brendon gives his first blowjob in the parking lot of the Smoothie Hut when he’s 17. Scott is, very technically, his boss. Brendon gags and slobbers but Scott hold his hips still and makes all the right noises. It feels like it takes seconds and Brendon is sitting up, dazed, with a foreign salty tang on his tongue and a swell to his lips. Scott gives him a ride home, like he promised he would. As Brendon sits in his crappy, one-room apartment licking his lips and trying to swallow down the lingering taste in his mouth, he realizes what he’s just done.
And he’s still never been kissed.
-
His scene queen era is a whole different story. While Audrey is his first kiss, there’s no emotion between them. They’re two people with nothing in common other than the fact that she’s looking to be with someone famous and he’s on the road heading that way. When they kiss, it’s all for show; all tongue and sound effects and accidently clacking teeth. After, Brendon always feels more like he’s been hit by a truck. Audrey will forever remember him of awkwardness and bruised lips.
Audrey gets more than his first kiss, though; Audrey gets his virginity. In the back of her car the first week they meet, Brendon finds himself with his arms and lap full of her. She rides him for the five seconds he can hold back before he comes into the condom she’d stealth rolled on him. Audrey rolls her eyes and adjusts her skirt but doesn’t actively humiliate him. Brendon counts it as a win.
Brendon only gets a few more fumbling attempts at sex with Audrey before Jac breaks up with Ryan and leads Audrey away. Brendon tells everyone it was mutual; no one believes him but no one exactly calls him on it either.
-
Shane is blink-and-you’ll-miss-it quick. He and Brendon know each other too well to take sex past fooling around drunk. They mostly just jerk each off and make out. Shane is Brendon’s first real kiss. Shane knows how to kiss to make Brendon’s lips plump and sore in the good way. Brendon can just lay back and let Shane do anything he wants. Shane never makes the first move past kissing and Brendon takes that as the sign it is.
-
Ryan is a mistake from the start. Brendon lets Ryan fuck him in a hotel room somewhere in the Midwest during their final tour together. Ryan is too big and too rough but Brendon just lets him go. Brendon can already feel the strain in the band. He and Ryan fight all the time and can never agree anymore. Brendon knows if he loses Ryan he loses everything. He hopes that Ryan will have another reason to keep him around. Brendon lies in bed with Ryan snoring softly next to him and feels the shame rush over him. He’s not a slut but, right now, he’s pretending to be. Ryan never asks him again.
Two weeks later, Ryan openly has a new tiny, blonde girl hanging from his arm. A few months later, Ryan is talking about creative differences and his new band.
-
Sarah is Brendon’s chance to prove himself. She’s his first try at an adult relationship. She’s his big fuck you to Spencer, Ryan, Shane, and Jon for finding nice girls and acting like adults. She’s fun and serious at the same time. Sarah is everything Brendon always wanted in a girlfriend. She’s fun sex in the middle of the afternoon and someone to be with after a hard day in the studio. Sarah can fit in with the boys and hang out with the girls. Sarah makes Brendon think he finally got things right.
The problem with Sarah, mostly, is how intensely Brendon is not in love. As the relationship gets longer and more serious, the more distant Brendon feels. Sarah should be perfect, is perfect, but Brendon can’t lie to her any more than he can lie to himself. She quietly gathers all her things that have ended up strewn about his house and gives him a soft kiss goodbye.
-
Spencer is uncomplicated. Spencer already followed Brendon as far away from normal life as Brendon could lead him. Spencer followed him from the desert to the beach and from his old life to a new one. Spencer is lazy days watching t.v. and surfing early in the morning. Brendon tries as hard as he can to not need Spencer. Sex would complicate the one easy thing Brendon has so, it’s a no go zone.
Every time Spencer’s shirt lifts a little too high or smile gets a little too big and bright, Brendon pulls himself back and tries to convince his heart that he doesn’t really want that. Spencer can cuddle with Brendon on the couch all he wants and Brendon won’t give in. At least, not yet.
The day Brendon finally breaks is an ordinary day. Brendon is lying on the couch half-heartedly playing a video game while Spencer is in the kitchen. When Brendon wanders in, Spencer has his serious chef face on and motions Brendon over to test a sauce. Brendon sips the spoon and, of course, it’s perfect. When he looks up, Spencer is watching with anxious eyes, like Brendon’s opinion really matters. That’s when he slips.
Spencer’s mouth is soft and surprised. Brendon pulls away and runs away in the same motion. Spencer grabs his wrist and pulls him back. His bright, blue (so, so blue, Brendon swoons internally) searching Brendon’s face before leaning down and letting their lips meet chastely.
Spencer smiles, “I thought you’d never catch on.”
“I think,” Brendon says, “maybe I wasn’t ready yet.”
“You’re ready now?”
Brendon thinks on all his past mistakes. He thinks about his relationships that never meant much and only ever left him wanting more. He thinks about how he always gets caught on the way sunlight shines through Spencer’s hair on the beach and perfectly silhouettes his face when he smiles. Brendon takes a moment and, for the first time in his life, really thinks about if this is the direction he wants.
He can only smile when he says, “Yes.”
And he’s still never been kissed.
-
His scene queen era is a whole different story. While Audrey is his first kiss, there’s no emotion between them. They’re two people with nothing in common other than the fact that she’s looking to be with someone famous and he’s on the road heading that way. When they kiss, it’s all for show; all tongue and sound effects and accidently clacking teeth. After, Brendon always feels more like he’s been hit by a truck. Audrey will forever remember him of awkwardness and bruised lips.
Audrey gets more than his first kiss, though; Audrey gets his virginity. In the back of her car the first week they meet, Brendon finds himself with his arms and lap full of her. She rides him for the five seconds he can hold back before he comes into the condom she’d stealth rolled on him. Audrey rolls her eyes and adjusts her skirt but doesn’t actively humiliate him. Brendon counts it as a win.
Brendon only gets a few more fumbling attempts at sex with Audrey before Jac breaks up with Ryan and leads Audrey away. Brendon tells everyone it was mutual; no one believes him but no one exactly calls him on it either.
-
Shane is blink-and-you’ll-miss-it quick. He and Brendon know each other too well to take sex past fooling around drunk. They mostly just jerk each off and make out. Shane is Brendon’s first real kiss. Shane knows how to kiss to make Brendon’s lips plump and sore in the good way. Brendon can just lay back and let Shane do anything he wants. Shane never makes the first move past kissing and Brendon takes that as the sign it is.
-
Ryan is a mistake from the start. Brendon lets Ryan fuck him in a hotel room somewhere in the Midwest during their final tour together. Ryan is too big and too rough but Brendon just lets him go. Brendon can already feel the strain in the band. He and Ryan fight all the time and can never agree anymore. Brendon knows if he loses Ryan he loses everything. He hopes that Ryan will have another reason to keep him around. Brendon lies in bed with Ryan snoring softly next to him and feels the shame rush over him. He’s not a slut but, right now, he’s pretending to be. Ryan never asks him again.
Two weeks later, Ryan openly has a new tiny, blonde girl hanging from his arm. A few months later, Ryan is talking about creative differences and his new band.
-
Sarah is Brendon’s chance to prove himself. She’s his first try at an adult relationship. She’s his big fuck you to Spencer, Ryan, Shane, and Jon for finding nice girls and acting like adults. She’s fun and serious at the same time. Sarah is everything Brendon always wanted in a girlfriend. She’s fun sex in the middle of the afternoon and someone to be with after a hard day in the studio. Sarah can fit in with the boys and hang out with the girls. Sarah makes Brendon think he finally got things right.
The problem with Sarah, mostly, is how intensely Brendon is not in love. As the relationship gets longer and more serious, the more distant Brendon feels. Sarah should be perfect, is perfect, but Brendon can’t lie to her any more than he can lie to himself. She quietly gathers all her things that have ended up strewn about his house and gives him a soft kiss goodbye.
-
Spencer is uncomplicated. Spencer already followed Brendon as far away from normal life as Brendon could lead him. Spencer followed him from the desert to the beach and from his old life to a new one. Spencer is lazy days watching t.v. and surfing early in the morning. Brendon tries as hard as he can to not need Spencer. Sex would complicate the one easy thing Brendon has so, it’s a no go zone.
Every time Spencer’s shirt lifts a little too high or smile gets a little too big and bright, Brendon pulls himself back and tries to convince his heart that he doesn’t really want that. Spencer can cuddle with Brendon on the couch all he wants and Brendon won’t give in. At least, not yet.
The day Brendon finally breaks is an ordinary day. Brendon is lying on the couch half-heartedly playing a video game while Spencer is in the kitchen. When Brendon wanders in, Spencer has his serious chef face on and motions Brendon over to test a sauce. Brendon sips the spoon and, of course, it’s perfect. When he looks up, Spencer is watching with anxious eyes, like Brendon’s opinion really matters. That’s when he slips.
Spencer’s mouth is soft and surprised. Brendon pulls away and runs away in the same motion. Spencer grabs his wrist and pulls him back. His bright, blue (so, so blue, Brendon swoons internally) searching Brendon’s face before leaning down and letting their lips meet chastely.
Spencer smiles, “I thought you’d never catch on.”
“I think,” Brendon says, “maybe I wasn’t ready yet.”
“You’re ready now?”
Brendon thinks on all his past mistakes. He thinks about his relationships that never meant much and only ever left him wanting more. He thinks about how he always gets caught on the way sunlight shines through Spencer’s hair on the beach and perfectly silhouettes his face when he smiles. Brendon takes a moment and, for the first time in his life, really thinks about if this is the direction he wants.
He can only smile when he says, “Yes.”