I'd love to get my head caught in a rice picker
I just had the most amazing, reassuring conversation with Epstein walking back home from dinner. We were talking about my plans for next year, and I mentioned plan A, and the newly arrived and infinitely more respectable plan B. Plan A, the one I’ve always longed to try, aka to run off to Japan for a year to write yon novel and tumble around Asia. Plan B, being the new job opportunity that would secure my future in terms of receiving research grants and going to the proper graduate school. Plan B is obviously the more realistic choice, and basically I would have it made as a scientist/strategist. (Assuming I make it through a second round of interviews). But Plan B lacks the “scaring myself” part of the bargain. I want to start off with absolutely nothing, be tossed into a situation as unfamiliar as I can find, and maybe even run into a brick wall or two or a hundred. Plan B is almost like giving up before starting. I mean, this is it? It wasn’t easy, but I’m only 22, I’d like to think that life is going to put up more of a fight. I do. Don’t let me think that you’re going to stay on the ground and let me dance and fight alone.
Actually, I sometimes suspect that I made sure to come up with plan B, so as to later kick it down. I mean, I can be so disgustingly dramatic at times. As the novelist covering my life story, I feel that there might be no better way of demonstrating certain *things* to myself than this really nice dichotomy that I’ve set up. A grand fucking personal social experiment for one. I love it. I really have to police myself more carefully, make sure I don’t pull any more really dirty tricks on myself (again). Anyhow, it was fantastic to talk to someone else who understands what drives me to do some of the things that I do.
Actually, I sometimes suspect that I made sure to come up with plan B, so as to later kick it down. I mean, I can be so disgustingly dramatic at times. As the novelist covering my life story, I feel that there might be no better way of demonstrating certain *things* to myself than this really nice dichotomy that I’ve set up. A grand fucking personal social experiment for one. I love it. I really have to police myself more carefully, make sure I don’t pull any more really dirty tricks on myself (again). Anyhow, it was fantastic to talk to someone else who understands what drives me to do some of the things that I do.