If It Kills Me
Title: If It Kills Me
Author: DirtyMindedHo (Caramel.Tart)
Pairing: Morgan/Prentiss
Rating: Teen
Summary: A tragedy strikes the Morgan family. CHARACTER DEATH.
Then I see you when I close my eyes, we on borrowed time, I wanna delay the sunlight. Everything I tried to tell you I failed to, maybe I’ll tell you another time. - Anonymous- Bobb V
If It Kills Me
Derek’s whole world shattered in a single moment; he hadn’t expected it, it wasn’t something anyone wanted to hear, especially if you were on the other side of the country, away from your family. He remembered it clearly, Hotch had gotten a phone call, after only seconds his whole demeanour changed, and he was grim. As Hotch had stridden over to him he knew it wasn’t going to be good.
‘Morgan, something’s happened. Come with me,’ Hotch had said, pity in his eyes. Derek was quickly worried; what was wrong? What had happened? Were Emily and Jai alright? All these questions swirled in his head as he followed Hotch obediently to an interview room.
‘I’m so sorry Derek,’ Hotch said. Derek had immediately found this strange, Hotch never called him Derek.
‘What’s happened Hotch? Has something happened to Em and Jai?’ He’d yelled desperately. Hotch continued to look at him, no emotions present, letting him rant, ‘Just tell me God damnit!’ Derek had yelled, slamming his hand against the cold wall.
‘I… They were in a car accident, Derek,’ Hotch stopped, letting the information sink in, ‘A semi trailer was going too fast across an intersection, it hit the car on the left driver’s side, their SUV spun out of control. Penelope’s there with both of them, she said Jai’s only got some minor bumps and bruises, thanks to his baby seat,’ Hotch stopped then, not knowing how best to continue, he’d wondered how to tell the man in front of him that the love of his life might die.
‘What about Emily? Is…is she alright?’ Derek said, barely above a whisper. Hotch shook his head not knowing how to go on.
‘Penelope said the doctor’s don’t think she’ll last through the night. The driver’s side took the brunt of the impact; it was a miracle she made it to the hospital. I’m so sorry Derek,’ Hotch said, anguish over the situation clear on his normally expressionless features.
That was why Derek was now seated by fiancée, her hand firmly grasped in his. He’d gotten the quickest flight, straight from New Mexico to D.C. and was currently watching the unsteady beating of Emily’s heart monitor. When he’d arrived Garcia had greeted him, eyes red and tear-stained, she had obviously been crying for sometime and it hadn’t helped to assuage his fears. The first thing he had asked was if there had been any change; Penelope had shaken her head sorrowfully. He had then proceeded to walk to Emily’s room, trying hard not to let the tears that were threatening to fall, spill over. But seeing her hooked up to all those machines, it broke his heart, she looked so small and fragile and…broken. He’d been sitting there for about an hour now, just staring at her, like if he wished hard enough she would wake up, something he knew to be utterly useless. Derek wasn’t really a religious man, but he prayed that night for the first time in years. He prayed for his fragile fiancée, his bouncing baby boy and the fact that he shouldn’t have to grow up without his mother but most of all he prayed for the sake of praying, hoping that with God’s infinite power he would let Emily stay on this Earth a little bit longer. And because he didn’t know any other prayer he prayed the only one he knew. Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be thy name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on Earth as in Heaven. Give us today our daily bread, and forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us, and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory are yours now and forever, Amen. Derek could not remember the last time he had prayed, but he felt that the Lord’s Prayer just wasn’t enough this time, not when Emily could die.
‘Dear God,’ he started, not really sure where he was going with this, ‘I don’t know how this works really, but I think you can hear me, at least I hope you can,’ Derek whispered into the quiet hospital room, ‘I love Emily; I love her so much it hurts sometimes. I don’t know why you want to take her from me, but guess what buddy, you can’t have her!’ He hissed, looking out the window, wondering if he really just told God he couldn’t have something, ‘Look, she belongs here, right here on Earth. She has so many people down here who love and care about her; do you really want to hurt them too? Hotch and Rossi, her mother and father, my mother, Reid and JJ and Penelope, they would all miss her so much and me; would you really take the best thing in my life away? It would make me physically sick if she were to die, I just couldn’t handle it; and what about the person that depends on her the most? What about Jai? You should know Jai, her…our baby boy. Could you…would you really take a little boy’s mother away from him? I couldn’t look after him all by myself, it would be too hard. How could I possibly watch my son grow up without his mother by my side?’ Derek whispered close to tears, thinking of what life would be like for him and Jai without Emily, ‘Don’t you see God? I need Emily! I need her, she’s everything to me. I would be a mess and Jai! What would I do with him? This isn’t fair God, this isn’t Goddamn fair! I’ve always tried to do the right thing and try to be the good guy! And Emily! Dear God! She doesn’t deserve this; she shouldn’t be taken away from her son so soon, God please, please, please don’t take her away. It will be the only thing I ever ask of you, I promise,’ Derek whispered, tears streaming down his face. He felt Penelope place a soothing hand on his shoulder as he finished the prayer, ‘Amen,’ he breathed out, barely above a whisper. Penelope had heard the whole prayer and she also had tears staining her flushed face, she could openly see her best friend in anguish and she had no way of preventing it, so for now she settled on just being there for him when he needed it.
‘I think you need something to eat,’ Penelope suggested. Derek shook his head, he couldn’t eat, he wasn’t hungry.
‘I’m fine Pen,’ Derek mumbled. Penelope shook her head; she wasn’t going to have him sit here, when she could do something.
‘Why don’t you take a walk to go see Jai?’ She suggested gently, knowing going to visit his son would do him some good. He was about to refuse but she cut him off, ‘I’ll stay with Em, while you go. If anything happens, I’ll get you right away, ok?’ She asked gently pushing him out the door; he nodded in response and made his way to where Jai was in the nursery.
As Derek walked into the nursery and found one of the nurses with Jai, he couldn’t help but smile. He loved his son dearly and he couldn’t thank Emily enough for giving him a beautiful son. The nurse asked him if he needed help and after verifying that Derek really was Jai’s father, he finally got to hold his baby boy.
‘Hey there little man, how are you?’ He asked gently, as Jai looked up at him, his gummy smile and bright eyes making Derek smile unconsciously. Jai made a little gurgling noise which Derek took to be Jai asking where his Mama was.
‘Well you see Jai, your mama was hurt real bad and is in a real deep sleep,’ Derek whispered, and upon seeing Jai frown he quickly explained, ‘but don’t worry Jai, she’s gonna wake up real soon and then she can come and give you a big, big hug,’ Derek said, as Jai smiled again. He gurgled happily up at his dad, his small baby fingers wrapping themselves around Derek’s finger, pulling it into his mouth to suck. Derek just sat for what seemed like hours just playing and talking with his gorgeous son, before he heard shouts from along the corridor. With Jai still in his arms he stepped out of the room, watching as doctor’s and nurses hurried into Emily’s private room. He quickly started towards her room and panicked even more when he saw Penelope being pushed from the room. He skidded to a halt outside the room, watching through the window as the doctor’s worked to try and start Emily’s heart again. For Derek it was like time stood still, Penelope was sobbing next to him and Jai was looking around confused by the sudden loud noises and movements but no, Derek stood there as if in a trance, watching as the doctor’s charged the paddles for the fourth time, with no such luck. Derek passed Jai to a wrecked Penelope before stepping into the room, and taking a deep breath.
‘Stop! Just stop,’ Derek ordered defeated; it was the hardest thing he’d ever done. The doctor’s turned looking at him before realising he had the power of attorney and quickly stopped what they were doing. A nurse asked him if he was sure and he shook his head, he couldn’t stand to see her like that and stopping it would leave her peaceful and graceful like she would have wanted. Penelope sobbed even harder, clutching poor Jai to her, not believing Emily was really gone forever.
The scene the rest of the team were confronted with when they arrived at the hospital within the next hour was that of pure devastation. Penelope was a wreck, rocking Jai back and forth outside Emily’s hospital room; meanwhile Derek was sitting overcome with grief next to his fiancée. All the machines had been unhooked and it was eerily quiet in the room. Derek hand her hand firmly grasped in both of his, and had it brought up to his lips. The team knew immediately that she was gone and then everything just fell apart at the seams that day. Jennifer Jareau had broken down like Penelope and both sat with Jai, sobbing like there was no tomorrow; Spencer Reid couldn’t believe it, he’d started to spout of random statistics until he slumped against the wall burying his face in his hands and muttered incoherently; Aaron Hotchner, sat next to the two sobbing blondes, his arm around Penelope trying to issue some form of comfort, as he fiddled with Emily’s badge, not knowing what to think; David Rossi paced, he paced in front of the group until there was actual scuff marks on the linoleum hospital floor, his brain not processing the fact that she was dead. When her parent’s arrived, Elizabeth and Toby Prentiss had not known how to take the news; Ambassador Prentiss, had looked faint, like she was going to collapse, she almost did. Her normally stoic masked cracked and the only way to get out the grief was to be angry; she yelled at the doctor’s, at Toby, at anything and everything before she settled for clasping her husband’s hand tightly, fighting the urge to cry. Toby Prentiss was a man none of the team had ever met; he’d gone into her room and cried, sobbed over his dead daughter, while his wife screamed and yelled outside. When he came out of the room, the profiler’s saw a shell of a man, his only daughter had died well before her time and it hurt, it hurt like a bitch. Toby Prentiss had pulled his wife to him, knowing she needed the human comfort and support and knowing he needed it as well. A little while after Toby had left her room, Derek had come out and asked for Jai; JJ had willingly handed him over to his father. He seemed to sense something was wrong and had been very restless. Derek had decided it was time to say goodbye to Emily and walked into her room again. When he reached her bed he leaned down and kissed her forehead, letting Jai’s baby hand rest upon her pale cheek as a single tear slid from his cheek, landing on the spot of her cheek that Jai had just touched.
‘I’m so sorry Emily. I love you, forever and always. Until we meet again. Goodbye,’ he whispered. Then turning to Jai he choked out, ‘Say goodbye to Mama Jai,’ the baby gurgled sadly, looking down at his mother. He seemed to sense he wouldn’t ever see her again and started crying, trying to squirm out of Derek’s arms and into his dead mothers. Derek tried to calm him as he walked from the room and into the waiting room. The room seem to stop at the sight of the crying baby boy, making each and every heart break over again.