no fairy tales, i promise
dear jon
i never blamed you for what you did to me
which isn't to say i blamed myself
i just believe in symptoms of societal failure.
your father is a blunt object sworn to stop hesitating
your mother, a brick wall who refuses her own crumbling
small wonder that you ended up a battering ram one hit before breaking point
i hope i was your breaking point
dear jon
i know how many times you tried to die.
it was written eloquently in the way you never said no,
the way you picked fights with air currents.
were you scared i would beat you to it?
i'm not supposed to say this
but i've never been sorry that you raped me
i believe in thick skin and you made mine unpiercable
small wonder that i spent the next five years
trying to outdo the smoke damage you left on my thighs
the only part of my body i still damage on purpose is the one spot you kissed gently
i wish i could stop remembering your smile
dear panic slanted philosopher,
i never loved you
i'm sorry i told you that i did
i didn't know how that word made your fists curl into your father's mold
to me, it still sounded safer than anything else i could offer
and i don't begrudge you the elastic you ripped out of my skin so casually
or the years of looking over my shoulder at the smell of testosterone
i know you do the same
dear fear feeder,
i hope when you were licking the marrow out of my bones
you got everything you need
i hope you don't still salivate at the word no.
without all that marrow weighing me down
i learned to bounce back again
and your daughter might not be so lucky
she might be more like your mother
jon, i survived you.
i want you to know that.
i hope you've learned to sleep better than i have
i hope you haven't thought about me in years
i hope your daughter doesn't wake up when the floor creaks at night
dear battering ram,
i believe some of us are built more solid to balance out people like you
which isn't to say i don't have nightmares about your fists,
but when you haunt my dreams, you're always crying
and even though you broke me open
you also taught me more about healing
than anything else i've stumbled out the other side of
dear jon
i hope when you hit bottom, it was hard enough
to discover i had stolen your marrow and bounce back again
i hope your smile doesn't fade when the lights are off,
i hope your daughter loves you.
i never blamed you for what you did to me
which isn't to say i blamed myself
i just believe in symptoms of societal failure.
your father is a blunt object sworn to stop hesitating
your mother, a brick wall who refuses her own crumbling
small wonder that you ended up a battering ram one hit before breaking point
i hope i was your breaking point
dear jon
i know how many times you tried to die.
it was written eloquently in the way you never said no,
the way you picked fights with air currents.
were you scared i would beat you to it?
i'm not supposed to say this
but i've never been sorry that you raped me
i believe in thick skin and you made mine unpiercable
small wonder that i spent the next five years
trying to outdo the smoke damage you left on my thighs
the only part of my body i still damage on purpose is the one spot you kissed gently
i wish i could stop remembering your smile
dear panic slanted philosopher,
i never loved you
i'm sorry i told you that i did
i didn't know how that word made your fists curl into your father's mold
to me, it still sounded safer than anything else i could offer
and i don't begrudge you the elastic you ripped out of my skin so casually
or the years of looking over my shoulder at the smell of testosterone
i know you do the same
dear fear feeder,
i hope when you were licking the marrow out of my bones
you got everything you need
i hope you don't still salivate at the word no.
without all that marrow weighing me down
i learned to bounce back again
and your daughter might not be so lucky
she might be more like your mother
jon, i survived you.
i want you to know that.
i hope you've learned to sleep better than i have
i hope you haven't thought about me in years
i hope your daughter doesn't wake up when the floor creaks at night
dear battering ram,
i believe some of us are built more solid to balance out people like you
which isn't to say i don't have nightmares about your fists,
but when you haunt my dreams, you're always crying
and even though you broke me open
you also taught me more about healing
than anything else i've stumbled out the other side of
dear jon
i hope when you hit bottom, it was hard enough
to discover i had stolen your marrow and bounce back again
i hope your smile doesn't fade when the lights are off,
i hope your daughter loves you.