(no subject)
the new year is coming. no, not yours. the jewish one.
every year in these weeks before yom kippur i start thinking about the last year. traditionally, this is about atonement, but i was raised with forgiveness instead. who has wronged me that i need to forgive? who have i wronged? on years when i'm stable and solid, i think about previous years as well, but on years where i'm barely getting by, i only focus on the now. what do i have to forgive to move forward?
this is about moving forward. on the surface, it's about being a better person and learning my lessons instead of just running from them, but that's only the surface. underneath is... when i was younger i never planned on growing old. now i do. and if i'm still gonna be around in fifty years, it makes sense to try to be someone that i like. and in order to like myself, i have to accept my human parts, and my failings. because i fail a lot. we all do. and if i focus on that all the time, i'll never have a chance to do anything else. you can't grow without making mistakes, but you also can't grow if you're making mistakes and not acknowledging them and learning from them.
this is kind of rambly.
this year feels easy. ela makes me into a better person. not that i'm perfect, and there's certainly a couple of big ones on my prayer roster, but i'm not discontent, the way i usually am at this time of year. this is when i usually start running, but i have nothing to run from. i come home every night to a woman who makes me happier than i knew was possible for me. all she has to do is smile and i feel like the sun just rose from my chest. all those years when i thought i was missing some essential human part, i was really just missing her. which means that all the years i spent combing over my history, every little mishap, trying to make everything right in my head in hopes that i could just stop being depressed all the time... i really just needed to find her. she makes me like myself.
all this is to say, happy new year, almost. this last year has been a great one for me, and i get to spend the next year with the person who made it great. this is enough.
every year in these weeks before yom kippur i start thinking about the last year. traditionally, this is about atonement, but i was raised with forgiveness instead. who has wronged me that i need to forgive? who have i wronged? on years when i'm stable and solid, i think about previous years as well, but on years where i'm barely getting by, i only focus on the now. what do i have to forgive to move forward?
this is about moving forward. on the surface, it's about being a better person and learning my lessons instead of just running from them, but that's only the surface. underneath is... when i was younger i never planned on growing old. now i do. and if i'm still gonna be around in fifty years, it makes sense to try to be someone that i like. and in order to like myself, i have to accept my human parts, and my failings. because i fail a lot. we all do. and if i focus on that all the time, i'll never have a chance to do anything else. you can't grow without making mistakes, but you also can't grow if you're making mistakes and not acknowledging them and learning from them.
this is kind of rambly.
this year feels easy. ela makes me into a better person. not that i'm perfect, and there's certainly a couple of big ones on my prayer roster, but i'm not discontent, the way i usually am at this time of year. this is when i usually start running, but i have nothing to run from. i come home every night to a woman who makes me happier than i knew was possible for me. all she has to do is smile and i feel like the sun just rose from my chest. all those years when i thought i was missing some essential human part, i was really just missing her. which means that all the years i spent combing over my history, every little mishap, trying to make everything right in my head in hopes that i could just stop being depressed all the time... i really just needed to find her. she makes me like myself.
all this is to say, happy new year, almost. this last year has been a great one for me, and i get to spend the next year with the person who made it great. this is enough.