first draft
i dreamed you in the evenings
waking after a single hour of sleep
to her hands and face twisted
i dreamed you before i smoothed her back out
before tiptoe-ing to bathroom tile
the only part of the house that didn't echo
i dreamed your face next to mine in the mirror
how even through nightmare contortions and sleep sweat
you were so beautiful
i went back to her need and convinced myself again
it was love
i dreamed you in unbroken walls
and bandages still safe behind the mirror
instead of wrapped around ugly fists
i dreamed you in late night phone calls
in learning to say the right thing the first time
every time
there's no room for logic in her tantrums, only steady, steady
i dreamed the nightmares would drip through earpiece mesh holes
and stain the sheets wrapped tight around someday
at least then i'd have something other than my fingerstained flesh
to get rid of
i dreamed you steady on sunday mornings
my stillness silhouetted by her manic
my shadow collecting dust that could not stay fallen in sunbeams
i dreamed you rock solid
like something i could catch on my way down
i dreamed you in airport kisses
that tasted like my enemies
lies that couldn't unravel fast enough
and i reveled in the catching
in being right and good
and untouchable
i dreamed you in the doorway of every house
leaning solid against the signs of spring
squatting dusty and damp and old
i dreamed you in the leaking ceiling
and the empty plates
i dreamed you so hard i never believed in it
you would've been my miracle
and miracles don't happen to girls
who use their lovers' fists like security blankets
who see tears like weapons
who shy away from padded edges
like what's the point if i can't hurt myself on you?
so i dreamed you in secret, in undertones
made room for you to slip in unnoticed
i dreamed you like bait and you took it
gentle
i dreamed you gentle and loving and always
i dreamed you naked and unafraid
going back to sleep in the afternoon
because nothing is more urgent than your arms around me
i dreamed the shower door opening
and me, untrembling, ready for invitation
i dreamed us old and rocking in porch swings
arms around me still familiar as the first time
i dreamed you in the evenings, falling asleep
and staying there
i dreamed you there every time i wake up