Thinking to damned much
I'm sitting here this morning thinking about the strange twists life sometimes takes. Two months ago, I was depressed and miserable, feeling trapped in a relationship that was doing no one any good. I was being treated like I was a posession, and I absolutely hate that. No one fucking owns me. If I allow you into my life, it means you have a place, it means you are loved. I don't trust many people, the amount of pain and bullshit I have lived through makes me have a hard time letting people in. Sometimes I jump into relationships to fast and get burned, but sometimes the ride is worth it. My mind is spinning with all the changes going on right now, but I am loving every minute of it. I am doing well, I am still having moments where I get overwhelmed with what Lynn did to me, and my mind goes delving into dark place... December 5th is coming up quickly... such a horrible fucking day for me *sigh*. I wonder if I will ever forget that day, if I will even not cry and want to hunt his ass down on that day.. I will never forgive the taking of my innocence, ever. I have tried to move on, and not let it effect everything and I usually succeed. I was alone for a long time after that, I couldn't handle the most casual of friendships, and I love my friends for standing by me when that happened, and now that I am going through it all again. How can someone say they love you and do that to you... I don 't understand. The person I am seeing now, makes me feel safe and secure and loved. I feel like I am the only woman in the world in his eyes. It is kind of weird, I'm not used to that. I'm not used to not thinking about others all the time and comparing to guys in my past. The only person I have compared him to is Todd, and Todd was everything I wanted.. until his mind went all loco, and even then, there were times where I saw the man I loved so clearly and he would wrap his arms around me and I would feel so safe and loved and cared for. I miss that feeling so fucking bad. Lynn and Shawn made me feel like they cared, and Shawn would sometimes make me feel safe, but they both eventually DESTROYED that feeling in my by their own actions. I would happily beat the ever loving shit out of Lynn if he tried to come around me again, someone who makes me scared for my own safety so much that I have to file a freaking restraining order deserves what he gets. Shawn is just... he can't let go, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him, because no matter how strong he acts, he isn't strong. I am actually not talking to Shawn right now, he can't seem to heed the boundaries I put on us having a friendship. I hate that I have to do that, but he makes me uncomfortable if I don't. I don't have those emotions for him anymore, and I don't have it in me to tell him the thought of him touching me makes me physically ill. I have gone back to not wanting to be touched most of the time. It's difficult for me to accept a hug. GODDAMN LYNN! I swear to the gods, the next man who harms me physically will be CASTRATED! I am so tired of going into tail spins. I am trying to be strong and put on the brave face. Sometimes the mask slips and the people who know me well enough notice. Will made me go to Donna's on friday because when he called me I couldn't control the sound of my voice and he knew I wasn't ok and that I was home alone, so he told me to call Donna and go spend the day with her.. so I did, and I did feel better. It was nice to have someone get it. To put ME before their own needs. I'm so bloody tired of taking care of everyone else, it would be really nice to get that back for once. Donna has been an awesome friend. She is going through hell right now and we still support each other. She can talk to me about anything and vice versa. This long weekend has been good for me. I have been able to recoup a bit from all the over time and stress at work. I refused to do any work the last two weekends, I have been coming in early and staying late and skipping lunch trying to get the office caught up, and it was starting to catch up to me in form of my health. I can't get sick again. I have been running fevers, but I am keeping that mostly to myself. I don't want people worried. I'm stronger then most want to believe. The ones that know me well... know that I will survive. The only way I wouldn't survive is if I gave up and that isn't going to happen. I like living to much. I want to dance in the rain and scream into the storm. I want to sit in a hot tub and watch waves crash against the beach. I want to lay in my mans arms, listening to his heart and fall asleep, finally safe and loved..