where is doctor cassimatis?
i guess i haven't missed any sociology because i came to school on time today & dr. cassimatis posted a note that said he would be out for the rest of the week. this is coming from a guy who never cancels class, i'm actually worried, is that weird?
(i have really bad gas)
i can't believe how early it is & now i don't have class until 10:00, i don't plan on going to Patty Smith b/c i've been there for the past couple weeks. i need to start going to chemistry... i hate chemistry.
i stayed up much too late last night with brendan, after he left around 2:30 i had really bad anxiety & i had some trouble sleeping. my mom kept rustling around & came into my room every five seconds to see if i was awake. it felt as though i had just fallen asleep, so i snapped at her even after she offered to take me to panera for breakfast. my parents have been getting on my nerves lately, my dad called me last night & said i was grounded for getting hairdye on the bathroom door. i just laughed. i told him over the weekend i would paint the door, but there is no way he could ground me. i swear i must be the only 21 year old whose parents try to control them. i still have a curfew! i wish i could get out of the house, but i am in no good financial state to do so.
i've been waiting to hear that i've been put back on the schedule at QS&L. i think i would feel better if i was working, especially at drama central. it would keep my mind of so much, like this 'sickness' i have. i think it's just a manifestation, everything is minor---except for the gas (laughs).
(this is all open thought, don't kill me for speaking freely)
as of now i'm really worried about my relationship with brendan. for some reason i don't remember ever feeling so sedated when it comes to being with someone. people tell me it tends to get this way over a certain period of time, but i guess i don't believe it. in a way he is my best friend & my least favorite person; it feels like he works as a filler, but i somehow want him to be around. i never feel a sense of comfort or even a sense of completion when he's around as opposed to when i was with someone else, but i feel kind of empty or lonely when he's gone. sometimes i miss terry, the fact that he was more than just a boyfriend to me. he was my best friend, a role model, a moderator, we did everything together, & we were never bored. i'm not reaching for comparisions here, but it sometimes feels like that he had what i needed, maybe because he was almost a father. it's seemingly disgusting, although he never felt that way to me. i never saw him as an old man because he was really young at heart. he was so much fun to be with. i don't know why i love brendan so much, & maybe that's a good thing. i don't look for what he can give me, but for who he is. he has his moments where he can really be amazing, but sometimes i feel like they are too few & far between. i'm used to my significant other being only a few blocks away or in the next room; it feels like he's not really there. i mean, he's very intellegent, sensitive, & incredibly talented, but the way he was acting last night before he left made it feel like he was BJ; cold & insensitive. i'm not going to think too much into this, it's just that i hate feeling that sudden distance.
i want to run off to the beach & skip stones. all of this emptiness that my relationships are causing just makes me want to be alone or curl up with annie & sarah on aunt pam's bed, maybe walking around the 4 seasons with hviz while eating fresh produce, having coffee with randy & jen just like we used to. in a way i'd give a little to have my old life back and it's almost as though i never felt this way before. i've never wanted something back because it's so easy for me to walk away. i guess i just miss the way things used to be, when diorama was released, around that era. skipping doctor berland's class to drive out to the middle of nowhere and feed myself with creeds & mottos.
i'm really worried about sarah. she's going through the pre-19 post-high school syndrome & it's really bad. she's really so depressed & confused that i wish i could help her, but you have to feel those feelings in order to grow. she has to understand that that's the way it is.
(i have really bad gas)
i can't believe how early it is & now i don't have class until 10:00, i don't plan on going to Patty Smith b/c i've been there for the past couple weeks. i need to start going to chemistry... i hate chemistry.
i stayed up much too late last night with brendan, after he left around 2:30 i had really bad anxiety & i had some trouble sleeping. my mom kept rustling around & came into my room every five seconds to see if i was awake. it felt as though i had just fallen asleep, so i snapped at her even after she offered to take me to panera for breakfast. my parents have been getting on my nerves lately, my dad called me last night & said i was grounded for getting hairdye on the bathroom door. i just laughed. i told him over the weekend i would paint the door, but there is no way he could ground me. i swear i must be the only 21 year old whose parents try to control them. i still have a curfew! i wish i could get out of the house, but i am in no good financial state to do so.
i've been waiting to hear that i've been put back on the schedule at QS&L. i think i would feel better if i was working, especially at drama central. it would keep my mind of so much, like this 'sickness' i have. i think it's just a manifestation, everything is minor---except for the gas (laughs).
(this is all open thought, don't kill me for speaking freely)
as of now i'm really worried about my relationship with brendan. for some reason i don't remember ever feeling so sedated when it comes to being with someone. people tell me it tends to get this way over a certain period of time, but i guess i don't believe it. in a way he is my best friend & my least favorite person; it feels like he works as a filler, but i somehow want him to be around. i never feel a sense of comfort or even a sense of completion when he's around as opposed to when i was with someone else, but i feel kind of empty or lonely when he's gone. sometimes i miss terry, the fact that he was more than just a boyfriend to me. he was my best friend, a role model, a moderator, we did everything together, & we were never bored. i'm not reaching for comparisions here, but it sometimes feels like that he had what i needed, maybe because he was almost a father. it's seemingly disgusting, although he never felt that way to me. i never saw him as an old man because he was really young at heart. he was so much fun to be with. i don't know why i love brendan so much, & maybe that's a good thing. i don't look for what he can give me, but for who he is. he has his moments where he can really be amazing, but sometimes i feel like they are too few & far between. i'm used to my significant other being only a few blocks away or in the next room; it feels like he's not really there. i mean, he's very intellegent, sensitive, & incredibly talented, but the way he was acting last night before he left made it feel like he was BJ; cold & insensitive. i'm not going to think too much into this, it's just that i hate feeling that sudden distance.
i want to run off to the beach & skip stones. all of this emptiness that my relationships are causing just makes me want to be alone or curl up with annie & sarah on aunt pam's bed, maybe walking around the 4 seasons with hviz while eating fresh produce, having coffee with randy & jen just like we used to. in a way i'd give a little to have my old life back and it's almost as though i never felt this way before. i've never wanted something back because it's so easy for me to walk away. i guess i just miss the way things used to be, when diorama was released, around that era. skipping doctor berland's class to drive out to the middle of nowhere and feed myself with creeds & mottos.
i'm really worried about sarah. she's going through the pre-19 post-high school syndrome & it's really bad. she's really so depressed & confused that i wish i could help her, but you have to feel those feelings in order to grow. she has to understand that that's the way it is.