Neverending...
I feel like my life is full of things that dont really matter. I mean... what am i doing now that is going to matter to me when im dead? ::sigh:: latly ive gone through so many ups and downs. There are just so many things bothering me right now. One just being myself. Another being colorgaurd. I love colorgaurd so so so much. I love being out there. Its so exciting and i've waited what seems like an eternity to do it and now that im finally in it sucks. There are so many rules and this and that. And yes i know there has to be rules. Its a very diciplined activity but I never feel like im having fun and isnt that supposed to be the biggest thing? I hate it. I want to go out there and have fun and show people how much fun im having but its really hard when to smile when your not feeling it. And I think part of the reasoning in my being so unhappy is because we are treated so differently from the vets. I just hate it so much but theres nothing i can do. Maybe ill talk to amanda or haden about it.
And then theres me. Im just not happy with myself anymore. Physically, emotionally, personality wise, im just sick of myself. I feel like nothing i do really matters. I feel like i dont have control over myself. I like greg yes but he doesnt like me and that makes me feel like shit. Why cant i make my own decisions? why cant i just be lke "ok... he doesnt like me... so?" but i cant. and im just not happy with my look. I hate looking in the mirror everyday. Absolutly hate it. And my personality... i just feel like i push people away. I feel like a horrible friend, espically to abbie. I love her to death but i feel like we're falling apart and i hate it. im such a judgemental person and i hate it. ugh... and i also hate how everything i ever talk about is how messed up i am but i cant help it. its how i feel... ::sigh:: what the hell am i doing?
megan
And then theres me. Im just not happy with myself anymore. Physically, emotionally, personality wise, im just sick of myself. I feel like nothing i do really matters. I feel like i dont have control over myself. I like greg yes but he doesnt like me and that makes me feel like shit. Why cant i make my own decisions? why cant i just be lke "ok... he doesnt like me... so?" but i cant. and im just not happy with my look. I hate looking in the mirror everyday. Absolutly hate it. And my personality... i just feel like i push people away. I feel like a horrible friend, espically to abbie. I love her to death but i feel like we're falling apart and i hate it. im such a judgemental person and i hate it. ugh... and i also hate how everything i ever talk about is how messed up i am but i cant help it. its how i feel... ::sigh:: what the hell am i doing?
megan