(no subject)
STOP HERE.'>
So this is basically me complaining about life. None is very important, just what bothers me from day to day and for some reason I feel the need to write it in my faithful lj. So sit back, buckle up, and prepare to be annoyed. Some of my "problems" are annoying.
MY RANT
The number one thing that has been bothering me lately; Hurting my feelings to spare someone elses doesn't make you a good person. "Well Maura, I had to make out with Kimmee in front of you because I didn't want to hurt her feelings" or "Maura, I couldn't hold your hand in public because I didn't want to hurt her feelings" OR "Maura, I can't tell her we're dating because I don't want to hurt her feelings". That's all good and nice, I'm glad you care about peoples feelings, but you seem to be overlooking mine. This isn't to just one person, I've gotten this a lot. I just don't get how everyone elses feelings are more important, while mine are probably more fragile. Maybe it's because they know that I'm easy to walk over. They'd do this to me, I'd get upset, they'd apologize, and oh, I'm right back to square one, acting like nothing happened at all. It just doesn't make sense to me.
I get upset too easily also. The littlest things set me off. I don't know why it's so hard for me to trust. Well I do know. Actually, I trust people. But I'm so scared of being stupid again. Not of getting hurt. I just don't want to have the signals sitting under my nose, the letters spelled out right in front of my face and be too blind to see them at all. Cause no matter what they tell you, the heart break, the crying, nothing is worse than realizing you should have seen it all along. Nothing. You could have stopped it but you were naive and ignorant to the whole situation. Because then, you do look back with regret. And you wish you would have done something different. Not let them get the best of you. Not give in to every demand or apology. It scares me just thinking about it.
I'm also afraid of dieing. My faith tells me there's something after death, a place with eternal life. And I think, in a way, that's even more scary than death itself. I can't explain it. I remember sitting up when I was really little, crying. Not about the fear of death, but the fear of eternal life. There's never an end, it just keeps going and going. It's really freaking me out just typing about it now. It makes me sick. Everything has to have an end. Ironic, right?
I want to make my life one that is remembered. Not just by family. I want to touch people and inspire people, and I want to be missed. I'm not sure if I'm doing that yet. I'm thinking of careers and things I can do to change that. I want to be selfless.
The future is becoming present sooner than I thought. I've been looking into some colleges. My dream college is UNCW (University of North Carolina at Wilmington). I just don't know if I could do it. I want to get away from here, for sure. But all of my family is here. I'd get so homesick. And I am not even sure what I want my major to be. But I guess I still have some time to think about that stuff.
I wish I was better with relationships too. Bryant's amazing. But I screw up so much. I dissapoint him far too often. It makes me feel horrible, but he never thinks I really care. And I do. I'm just not perfect, and I can't be no matter how hard I try. He says he feels the same way about me as I do about him. But maybe he doesn't realize it means I'd take a bullet for him.
Honestly.
I just wish I had answers. And someone to help me find them.
So this is basically me complaining about life. None is very important, just what bothers me from day to day and for some reason I feel the need to write it in my faithful lj. So sit back, buckle up, and prepare to be annoyed. Some of my "problems" are annoying.
MY RANT
The number one thing that has been bothering me lately; Hurting my feelings to spare someone elses doesn't make you a good person. "Well Maura, I had to make out with Kimmee in front of you because I didn't want to hurt her feelings" or "Maura, I couldn't hold your hand in public because I didn't want to hurt her feelings" OR "Maura, I can't tell her we're dating because I don't want to hurt her feelings". That's all good and nice, I'm glad you care about peoples feelings, but you seem to be overlooking mine. This isn't to just one person, I've gotten this a lot. I just don't get how everyone elses feelings are more important, while mine are probably more fragile. Maybe it's because they know that I'm easy to walk over. They'd do this to me, I'd get upset, they'd apologize, and oh, I'm right back to square one, acting like nothing happened at all. It just doesn't make sense to me.
I get upset too easily also. The littlest things set me off. I don't know why it's so hard for me to trust. Well I do know. Actually, I trust people. But I'm so scared of being stupid again. Not of getting hurt. I just don't want to have the signals sitting under my nose, the letters spelled out right in front of my face and be too blind to see them at all. Cause no matter what they tell you, the heart break, the crying, nothing is worse than realizing you should have seen it all along. Nothing. You could have stopped it but you were naive and ignorant to the whole situation. Because then, you do look back with regret. And you wish you would have done something different. Not let them get the best of you. Not give in to every demand or apology. It scares me just thinking about it.
I'm also afraid of dieing. My faith tells me there's something after death, a place with eternal life. And I think, in a way, that's even more scary than death itself. I can't explain it. I remember sitting up when I was really little, crying. Not about the fear of death, but the fear of eternal life. There's never an end, it just keeps going and going. It's really freaking me out just typing about it now. It makes me sick. Everything has to have an end. Ironic, right?
I want to make my life one that is remembered. Not just by family. I want to touch people and inspire people, and I want to be missed. I'm not sure if I'm doing that yet. I'm thinking of careers and things I can do to change that. I want to be selfless.
The future is becoming present sooner than I thought. I've been looking into some colleges. My dream college is UNCW (University of North Carolina at Wilmington). I just don't know if I could do it. I want to get away from here, for sure. But all of my family is here. I'd get so homesick. And I am not even sure what I want my major to be. But I guess I still have some time to think about that stuff.
I wish I was better with relationships too. Bryant's amazing. But I screw up so much. I dissapoint him far too often. It makes me feel horrible, but he never thinks I really care. And I do. I'm just not perfect, and I can't be no matter how hard I try. He says he feels the same way about me as I do about him. But maybe he doesn't realize it means I'd take a bullet for him.
Honestly.
I just wish I had answers. And someone to help me find them.