(no subject)
It's weird how you never really get over something. It's been so long since I've even been in contact with this person, but there's something in everyday that I think about it. All of it. I went through the motions of having a relationship, but wanting someone to be something they're not isnt a relationship at all. It's fake and it hurts. I can truly say that I'm okay with my life right now. Of course there's things I'd like to change, but I'm okay. I don't want to go back and do anything different, but I can't get past it.
I was watching Oprah today and she was talking about how some people who were molested (I wasn't..) feel shame and guilt and they carry it with them long after the sexual abuse is ended. And I think that's kind of how I feel. I feel ashamed of my stupidity, of the things I did when I thought it was what was wanted of me. I look back and that person wasn't even me. I don't remember what I was thinking most of the time I did some of these things, but I do remember how I felt. I remember those emotions that overwhelmed me to a point that I didn't even want to get out of bed. I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to talk to people. Everything would just irritate me. The pain was so thick and intense it paralyzed me. And it's scary to think about it. But I got through it, somehow. It's still with me though, everyday, and I don't understand why. I need to put it all behind me because I know that its not worth mulling over, I just don't know how.
And truthfully I don't know why I'm writing this because everyone who even takes the time to read it is gonna think I'm some depressed psycho. I'm not, I just need to get it off my chest for right now, which is what livejournal is for anyways.
But I think going through that is the reason I want to be a Psychologist. I've always wanted to be someone that helps people, that inspires people, and not that I think thats what I could do as a Psychologist, I just know that when I was depressed it would have been nice to talk to someone who understood. Someone who wasn't going to instantly judge me by my feelings and that could give me real advice. I want to do that for people, preferably kids. Show them that there is life past what they're feeling now, and that things really do get better. Cause, they do. So yeah, hopefully I can do that.
I was watching Oprah today and she was talking about how some people who were molested (I wasn't..) feel shame and guilt and they carry it with them long after the sexual abuse is ended. And I think that's kind of how I feel. I feel ashamed of my stupidity, of the things I did when I thought it was what was wanted of me. I look back and that person wasn't even me. I don't remember what I was thinking most of the time I did some of these things, but I do remember how I felt. I remember those emotions that overwhelmed me to a point that I didn't even want to get out of bed. I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to talk to people. Everything would just irritate me. The pain was so thick and intense it paralyzed me. And it's scary to think about it. But I got through it, somehow. It's still with me though, everyday, and I don't understand why. I need to put it all behind me because I know that its not worth mulling over, I just don't know how.
And truthfully I don't know why I'm writing this because everyone who even takes the time to read it is gonna think I'm some depressed psycho. I'm not, I just need to get it off my chest for right now, which is what livejournal is for anyways.
But I think going through that is the reason I want to be a Psychologist. I've always wanted to be someone that helps people, that inspires people, and not that I think thats what I could do as a Psychologist, I just know that when I was depressed it would have been nice to talk to someone who understood. Someone who wasn't going to instantly judge me by my feelings and that could give me real advice. I want to do that for people, preferably kids. Show them that there is life past what they're feeling now, and that things really do get better. Cause, they do. So yeah, hopefully I can do that.