(no subject)
I've been reflective these last few days. I'm neither disappointed nor proud. I'm an alcoholic. Its weird to just say that. I go to meetings and I have a counselor. So weird. I've just been thinking about that whole issue over and over. A good friend of mine has been suspended for next semester (one of my neighbors).. I'll miss him. He just did really dumb things when he was drunk.. which happened all the time.. My floor is like the 40 worst kids in the school all together. Everyone has some kind of problem on the floor. The only thing that has not occurred with our floor is a homicide, and one night, I almost did that. Mark (kid who's getting suspended) was generally a good kid. Yeah, he got fucked up and constantly was on some kind of drug, but he was a good person. Bad things just happened with him and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, many times. I'm like two steps away from becoming the next mark. That doesn't make me happy, yet at the same time, i'm not going to change.
I feel funny about all of this. Right now I'm just rambling about it, without any actual complete thoughts. It bothers me when people misuse alcohol, and the problem is the way I see that. I think using alcohol to get fucked up is wrong, yet I believe the way I use it is completely acceptable. I'm not going to lie. I can function so much better and focus so much more. I'm not just thinking that either- anyone who has witnessed can agree. When I start drinking like around noon, I accomplish so much. My counselor has diagnosed me with self medicated alcoholism. She thinks I'm treated a form of ADD with it. I don't know how to feel about that. I don't really feel anything I suppose.
Why is it that we are motivated to do negative things, especially when we know they are potentially harmful to ourselves? I'm not specifically talking about the alcoholism, but more so other things. I'm honestly drawn to doing bad things. I walked into town the other night, walked into the bar, and ended up going home with some townie. Who the hell does that? I'm not upset with myself for doing that, and in a way, sort of proud. Like, it was an accomplishment, and I'm proud to have done that. I know I probably shouldn't be, and that's the problem: i am. I can't count how many classes i went to drunk or at least hungover. I can't remember how many assignments I did in 10 minutes, or how many papers I wrote bullshit.. or how many times I didn't study. I haven't studied yet. Ever. We know I didn't bother in high school, but I figured I'd do it at least once in college. nope. My grades sucked, yet they were the same as everyone else's. School is hard. What bothers me, is that without giving a shit and applying myself about 2% of the time, I did the same as everyone else. It scares me to think about how I might do if I actually try. I don't particularly aim for good things like that. It scares me that I might actually be smart.. and have wasted most of my life dumbing myself down.
Next semester will be different. I am going to do work. I'm going to study. I'm going to sleep. No drugs and limited smoking. Alcohol occurs at rugby parties and/or weekends in the room. no more random house parties. no more bars in meadville. I need to get control of myself.
I chose what I want a tattoo of.. I'm not going to tell anyone, because that will take away from it.. I'm getting it after 3 months of soberness (and by that i mean following the above alcohol restrictions, for those circumstances would not indicate alcoholism, but a healthy college student).. that means late march or early april at the earliest. Depending on the rugby season, it might be earlier. I'm proud and excited for this.. it actually has meaning, rather than just being there.
That makes me feel like I've grown. I need to start living differently. I need to get over certain things, certain people. I'm positive I haven't told anyone here anything about my past. I know I've told pieces, but not the whole thing. its hard to spill everything, especially to people who you care about. i don't know how any of that would go over with any of you..
on that note, i will discuss my schedule:
i work almost everyday. i don't know my entire schedule, but i'll let you know. i haven't talked to anyone really.. weird.
this entry was just an outlet, i suppose.
I feel funny about all of this. Right now I'm just rambling about it, without any actual complete thoughts. It bothers me when people misuse alcohol, and the problem is the way I see that. I think using alcohol to get fucked up is wrong, yet I believe the way I use it is completely acceptable. I'm not going to lie. I can function so much better and focus so much more. I'm not just thinking that either- anyone who has witnessed can agree. When I start drinking like around noon, I accomplish so much. My counselor has diagnosed me with self medicated alcoholism. She thinks I'm treated a form of ADD with it. I don't know how to feel about that. I don't really feel anything I suppose.
Why is it that we are motivated to do negative things, especially when we know they are potentially harmful to ourselves? I'm not specifically talking about the alcoholism, but more so other things. I'm honestly drawn to doing bad things. I walked into town the other night, walked into the bar, and ended up going home with some townie. Who the hell does that? I'm not upset with myself for doing that, and in a way, sort of proud. Like, it was an accomplishment, and I'm proud to have done that. I know I probably shouldn't be, and that's the problem: i am. I can't count how many classes i went to drunk or at least hungover. I can't remember how many assignments I did in 10 minutes, or how many papers I wrote bullshit.. or how many times I didn't study. I haven't studied yet. Ever. We know I didn't bother in high school, but I figured I'd do it at least once in college. nope. My grades sucked, yet they were the same as everyone else's. School is hard. What bothers me, is that without giving a shit and applying myself about 2% of the time, I did the same as everyone else. It scares me to think about how I might do if I actually try. I don't particularly aim for good things like that. It scares me that I might actually be smart.. and have wasted most of my life dumbing myself down.
Next semester will be different. I am going to do work. I'm going to study. I'm going to sleep. No drugs and limited smoking. Alcohol occurs at rugby parties and/or weekends in the room. no more random house parties. no more bars in meadville. I need to get control of myself.
I chose what I want a tattoo of.. I'm not going to tell anyone, because that will take away from it.. I'm getting it after 3 months of soberness (and by that i mean following the above alcohol restrictions, for those circumstances would not indicate alcoholism, but a healthy college student).. that means late march or early april at the earliest. Depending on the rugby season, it might be earlier. I'm proud and excited for this.. it actually has meaning, rather than just being there.
That makes me feel like I've grown. I need to start living differently. I need to get over certain things, certain people. I'm positive I haven't told anyone here anything about my past. I know I've told pieces, but not the whole thing. its hard to spill everything, especially to people who you care about. i don't know how any of that would go over with any of you..
on that note, i will discuss my schedule:
i work almost everyday. i don't know my entire schedule, but i'll let you know. i haven't talked to anyone really.. weird.
this entry was just an outlet, i suppose.