well, where the hell have you been?
somewhere, not here.
My body has officially rejected me. I can't keep anything in me for over a week now, it's fucking disgusting. The ridiculous part is I run over 20km a week, can't eat and still am faced with a feeling of obesity, arg.
arg is my new favorite three letter word to type.
It's almost 1am and I'm at lauries house, she's over at her new beaus house (who is cute by the way but 4 years younger than her...go laurie and team cougar...kidding)
So I finally went to old ladies on Tuesday for the first time in weeks. Which of course we had to do a sharing excercise about the word "Should" and how it fit into our lives...the positives and negatives of the word and the emotions it attaches to it. Then Lisa looks at me and says "We'll start with Kathy" well fuck. I feel like I should have better control of my life. I should be studying more, I should have gone to school last month but I didn't have the money too, I should have money, I should go to school next month but I intuitively don't see me there until January, I should feel more shame about feeling that way but I can't, I should be nicer to myself and not worry so fucking much, I should figure out how to treat my father, I should call Jed and tell him he can move into the house at any time, I should find a new place to live but I can't. Then follow it up with a kicker "And how does this make you feel, right now, right here" Well this makes me feel like a big pile of shameful shit, like I'm a dissapointment to me, my family, my friends, this group and my life. I don't really like myself right now but I don't really have all that great of a reason to not like myself, which also makes me feel shitty. I'm also tired of being emotional...I think Dr. Bruce for fixing my jaw but I just think I would prefer to hold emotional shit in there thanks and go back to not having my teeth meet but being able to watch TV without crying...or listening to music. I have too many emotions now, that I've never felt before, that I just don't know how to and can't deal with....the emotional feeling Kathy is all a little too much for me.
Lisa tells me tonight, the journey you are taking in life right now is very beautiful and I'm excited for you. Excuse myself if I can't see the sheer beauty in the madness....just my style. I see direction and honesty with myself, it just doesn't seem beautious. I didn't expect life to be easy, I didn't expect it to be this hard.
I walked down the wrong street tonight also, one I didn't want to go back down, but it was comfortable and an outlet. Funny thing about girls, you think you are using the guy and then you walk away....just feeling used. arg....that's right arg.
This will all pass, it will all be a joke to me eventually. I refuse to be Debbie Downer about anything.
My body has officially rejected me. I can't keep anything in me for over a week now, it's fucking disgusting. The ridiculous part is I run over 20km a week, can't eat and still am faced with a feeling of obesity, arg.
arg is my new favorite three letter word to type.
It's almost 1am and I'm at lauries house, she's over at her new beaus house (who is cute by the way but 4 years younger than her...go laurie and team cougar...kidding)
So I finally went to old ladies on Tuesday for the first time in weeks. Which of course we had to do a sharing excercise about the word "Should" and how it fit into our lives...the positives and negatives of the word and the emotions it attaches to it. Then Lisa looks at me and says "We'll start with Kathy" well fuck. I feel like I should have better control of my life. I should be studying more, I should have gone to school last month but I didn't have the money too, I should have money, I should go to school next month but I intuitively don't see me there until January, I should feel more shame about feeling that way but I can't, I should be nicer to myself and not worry so fucking much, I should figure out how to treat my father, I should call Jed and tell him he can move into the house at any time, I should find a new place to live but I can't. Then follow it up with a kicker "And how does this make you feel, right now, right here" Well this makes me feel like a big pile of shameful shit, like I'm a dissapointment to me, my family, my friends, this group and my life. I don't really like myself right now but I don't really have all that great of a reason to not like myself, which also makes me feel shitty. I'm also tired of being emotional...I think Dr. Bruce for fixing my jaw but I just think I would prefer to hold emotional shit in there thanks and go back to not having my teeth meet but being able to watch TV without crying...or listening to music. I have too many emotions now, that I've never felt before, that I just don't know how to and can't deal with....the emotional feeling Kathy is all a little too much for me.
Lisa tells me tonight, the journey you are taking in life right now is very beautiful and I'm excited for you. Excuse myself if I can't see the sheer beauty in the madness....just my style. I see direction and honesty with myself, it just doesn't seem beautious. I didn't expect life to be easy, I didn't expect it to be this hard.
I walked down the wrong street tonight also, one I didn't want to go back down, but it was comfortable and an outlet. Funny thing about girls, you think you are using the guy and then you walk away....just feeling used. arg....that's right arg.
This will all pass, it will all be a joke to me eventually. I refuse to be Debbie Downer about anything.