Dead Weight
I feel like after not posting about my mom for so long, that I have all these pent up feelings inside of me. It's not like I haven't had outlets before--people to vent to...I have friends and family members who I can talk to about my Mom...of course there's my Dad. I don't know...my blog has always been the outlet that I've felt the most release from...unless of course it explodes in your face when you forget who exactly reads your blog and who those people are friends with :-) Live and learn. No hard feelings.
Anyway...I feel that I have an written outlet once again for these very personal matters, that I am making "public." Course, I haven't asked my Dad if it's OK to blog about it again...but I'm not going into deep, personal detail about my Mom's conditions...more so it's about the way I deal with her condition.
I sort of feel guilty when I'm home for a visit. This visit is the longest I've been home in a while (one week) and I feel like I'm spending a lot of time OUT of the house. Not so much as an escape...but more so because I have people to see and things to do. Tonight my family went out to dinner...a favorite Thai place in Evanston...my brother Mark got into town today from Montreal. It was nice to have the family together. I just had a sudden rush of guilt...knowing that in a couple of days I'll be returning to Boston and leaving my parents again. Part of my mom's condition is a very heightened emotional range...the littlest thing will make her cry...sheer joy...sadness...she has the same reaction...tears. I am dreading the goodbye on Saturday. No one likes to see anyone cry, much less their parents...but it's the fact that I know that I probably won't see my parents for a few months that makes it even harder. I am constantly wracked with guilt--living so far away from home and especially now, that my mom has more and more difficulty walking--traveling will have to become my burden...meaning that I will have to come out here...not that any of this is a burden...but I just mean that it will become increasingly more difficult for my parents to visit me. I understand that...but that all makes me feel horrible that I live in Boston.
Should I move back to Chicago? I don't want to...but I will if I have to.
My Dad told me today that he has some pretty expensive projects on the near horizon--a ramp going up to the back door for my mother and a refitted downstairs bathroom that will make it easier for my mother...and that he would not be able to support my brother and I anymore. I completely understand and was expecting this. I have been supporting myself with my job...and while I am basically living paycheck to paycheck, I have been doing OK. My parents just lent me some money to pay off my credit card. I now owe them, interest free $3000 +...but aside from this...I am ready to become financially independent. It's been something I've been looking forward to for quite some time. It's just that--my Dad telling me this today makes the reality all the more real that my mother's condition is long term and that she will continue to worsen. *sigh. It's a sad, long road ahead for our family but at least now I have this form to vent once again.
**By the way...for those of you who are reading my blog for the first time...or even return readers who are noticing the sudden darker tones of my blogs...don't fear...I shall return to my music-reviewing, shopping-talk blogs once I return to Boston. It's just being at home with my family--these deeper issues push themselves to the front and weigh heavily on my mind.
**Oh...perfect...The Fray's "How To Save A Life" just came on my iPod...this is one of those songs that I have made relevant to my situation...you do that when you have drama or sadness in your life...take a sad song that has nothing to do with your specific situation--and make it relevant. I guess that's one of the goals of songwriters' and musicians, right? To reach listeners? *sigh.
Anyway...I feel that I have an written outlet once again for these very personal matters, that I am making "public." Course, I haven't asked my Dad if it's OK to blog about it again...but I'm not going into deep, personal detail about my Mom's conditions...more so it's about the way I deal with her condition.
I sort of feel guilty when I'm home for a visit. This visit is the longest I've been home in a while (one week) and I feel like I'm spending a lot of time OUT of the house. Not so much as an escape...but more so because I have people to see and things to do. Tonight my family went out to dinner...a favorite Thai place in Evanston...my brother Mark got into town today from Montreal. It was nice to have the family together. I just had a sudden rush of guilt...knowing that in a couple of days I'll be returning to Boston and leaving my parents again. Part of my mom's condition is a very heightened emotional range...the littlest thing will make her cry...sheer joy...sadness...she has the same reaction...tears. I am dreading the goodbye on Saturday. No one likes to see anyone cry, much less their parents...but it's the fact that I know that I probably won't see my parents for a few months that makes it even harder. I am constantly wracked with guilt--living so far away from home and especially now, that my mom has more and more difficulty walking--traveling will have to become my burden...meaning that I will have to come out here...not that any of this is a burden...but I just mean that it will become increasingly more difficult for my parents to visit me. I understand that...but that all makes me feel horrible that I live in Boston.
Should I move back to Chicago? I don't want to...but I will if I have to.
My Dad told me today that he has some pretty expensive projects on the near horizon--a ramp going up to the back door for my mother and a refitted downstairs bathroom that will make it easier for my mother...and that he would not be able to support my brother and I anymore. I completely understand and was expecting this. I have been supporting myself with my job...and while I am basically living paycheck to paycheck, I have been doing OK. My parents just lent me some money to pay off my credit card. I now owe them, interest free $3000 +...but aside from this...I am ready to become financially independent. It's been something I've been looking forward to for quite some time. It's just that--my Dad telling me this today makes the reality all the more real that my mother's condition is long term and that she will continue to worsen. *sigh. It's a sad, long road ahead for our family but at least now I have this form to vent once again.
**By the way...for those of you who are reading my blog for the first time...or even return readers who are noticing the sudden darker tones of my blogs...don't fear...I shall return to my music-reviewing, shopping-talk blogs once I return to Boston. It's just being at home with my family--these deeper issues push themselves to the front and weigh heavily on my mind.
**Oh...perfect...The Fray's "How To Save A Life" just came on my iPod...this is one of those songs that I have made relevant to my situation...you do that when you have drama or sadness in your life...take a sad song that has nothing to do with your specific situation--and make it relevant. I guess that's one of the goals of songwriters' and musicians, right? To reach listeners? *sigh.