Losing It
I just got back from my second final in one day, and I just lost it. I went downstairs to make something to eat and discovered the top of the plug in oven [the real one broke months ago, like anyone cares], was covered in cat vomit because my dad feeds the cats not only on the kitchen floor, but on top of the microwave and the movable oven, as well as seven or eight other places through out the house and outside, including under the back tires of the cars.
I cleaned up a spot to move the microwave, after telling my dad about the mess. He didn't care, but saw fit to berate me and laugh while I cleaned up a spot to move the microwave to. When I went to move it, coffee spilled all over me because he left a full coffee cup in the microwave like he always does, because he puts it in, smokes pot and forgets about it. In retrospect it's my fault for not checking first.
I proceeded to scream at him to shut up like I've never screamed before for about ten seconds, while he just sits there grinning like a child.
I don't think I'll be speaking to anyone in the house for a few weeks. I feel more scared and alone than usual. Scared of where I live and what I might do. I was planning to get my license this month or during summer, so that will be a step in the right direction. Right now, I can't even think straight, I want to just run out the door and never come back, I want to tear out my hair and destroy everything bought with his money, I want to do unspeakable things.
I want to run away, but even if I moved out I feel like I would always be partially dependent.
I don't know what to do. Living an 'easy life' by reconciling and using his money to help pay rent somewhere else, or anything like that, makes me feel like puking. But I can't juggle school, work, driving, and living all by myself.
I got all A's this semester - without anyone's help, or anyone's encouragement. I remember how concerned everyone was when I stopped caring about high school. Everything about the world sickens me right now. I feel like I only have my legs to stand on, and must abort my morals and dignity to keep my life from being harder than it is now, shut in my room with only work and school to keep me from really, really losing it. I am so angry. I am so disgusted.
I cleaned up a spot to move the microwave, after telling my dad about the mess. He didn't care, but saw fit to berate me and laugh while I cleaned up a spot to move the microwave to. When I went to move it, coffee spilled all over me because he left a full coffee cup in the microwave like he always does, because he puts it in, smokes pot and forgets about it. In retrospect it's my fault for not checking first.
I proceeded to scream at him to shut up like I've never screamed before for about ten seconds, while he just sits there grinning like a child.
I don't think I'll be speaking to anyone in the house for a few weeks. I feel more scared and alone than usual. Scared of where I live and what I might do. I was planning to get my license this month or during summer, so that will be a step in the right direction. Right now, I can't even think straight, I want to just run out the door and never come back, I want to tear out my hair and destroy everything bought with his money, I want to do unspeakable things.
I want to run away, but even if I moved out I feel like I would always be partially dependent.
I don't know what to do. Living an 'easy life' by reconciling and using his money to help pay rent somewhere else, or anything like that, makes me feel like puking. But I can't juggle school, work, driving, and living all by myself.
I got all A's this semester - without anyone's help, or anyone's encouragement. I remember how concerned everyone was when I stopped caring about high school. Everything about the world sickens me right now. I feel like I only have my legs to stand on, and must abort my morals and dignity to keep my life from being harder than it is now, shut in my room with only work and school to keep me from really, really losing it. I am so angry. I am so disgusted.