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DIR EN GREY
Live report, Toronto, February 9th, 2007. The Guvernment.
I get the feeling that the die-hard (ha a pun) fans are still at the venue. Overall, I couldn't get into it. I couldn't let go. It's a cronic problem in my life, a never-ending struggle with anxiety and fear that follows me into my sleep.
There were so many beautiful moments. Kyo, standing on his crate (teehee), removing the hook from his belt chains and making sure we could all see him dramatically cut his ribs from right to left as if he was Jesus Christ himself. At first I saw nothing, then a line, then it trickled down in two rivulets. As the night wore on, it dried to dark red, brownish, then grey with sweat. I will never doubt the veracity of his actions again.
This was the closest I will ever come to them, my five beloved musicians that are so much more than the sum of their parts. I was so close I noticed Kyo wore a silver ring on his index finger, the line of his hips when he teasingly tugged down his waistband to reveal a strip of black underwear, and I could even see the colour of Die's tongue when he stuck it out to hover over the neck of his guitar at the end of the show.
My ears are buzzing with the screams of a thousand girls, boys, fans, goths, guitars and Kyo, Kyo, Kyo. You gave it your all, like you always do. No standing around, no boredom, after so many years, you still scream and cry and beg for your mother during Child's Prey. You make me love you, but I couldn't give you my heart tonight, because I gave it away once and never got it back.
I saw my ex-boyfriend. At a Dir en Grey concert, the only thing that could make me courageous enough to go to a Toronto nightclub all alone. Fate offered me a chance. I rejected it. It's been five years since he broke my heart, killing the certainty (I refuse to call it a dream) that we would be married, and I would be forever happy. Instead, as the song says, there was a club, I went alone, and I left alone, and I went home and cried and I want to die. Except I'm not really crying about him, I feel like crying because my heart wasn't in the concert tonight.
I had to laugh at the n00bs who didn't know when G.D.S.'s KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! chant ended. The first time it stopped and the crowd kept going, there was a titter of laughter. Then they failed the fandom litmus test again, and I had to laugh at them. I might not know the names or lyrics of most of the songs on the set-list, but I fucking know how the chant goes.
God, I smell right now. We, the mass animal that is a mob of people, crushed into each other. I've read live reports which mention the surge before, but I had no idea of the reality. Girls cried out in terror of falling over when group-think dictated the entire left side hated the right, or that the back wanted to be a few inches closer to the front. It was very, very strange to become so intimate with strangers. I touched his back, my palm laid flat on her bare shoulder, she pressed against my ass, she crushed my breasts. All of this so we could get that little bit closer, get that one good angle to look at them with our own eyes and see their living, writhing flesh for ourselves. Like I said...there were a lot of beautiful things.
I can think about it this way now, but at the time? I was pissed. All the PEOPLE were interfering with my enjoyment. I spent more time thinking about staying on my feet than listening to the music. but concerts aren't about music, they're about the experience. I seem to lack that ability to drown my mind with the experience, no matter how acutely the drums beat my heart and the bass thrummed my veins. I'm a solitary person; I become engrossed in music much more readily when I'm walking alone to work than when five talented men that I've loved for years are standing but a dozen feet away from me.
Kyo finally shaved his chin pubes. He was lithe, sexual, his eyes alone engrossed me. When he cut himself, he stood quite still and looked every bit a demon. I could look into his eyes... Can you fathom what it means to see the darkness within a stranger? For him to want to show you, show everyone, and want for you to give it back to him in return?
That is why I love Dir en Grey. I can't show them my love at a concert. Instead of moshing, I was hit in the chest by someone's elbow. I'm sure at least three people felt sympathy for me after seeing my grimace. but I wonder, do they appreciate that kind of fan more than me? The one that creates a visual display of Dir en Grey's theme by literally hurting each other...or do they see me? Me, standing in the middle, looking Kyo and Die in the eyes and wishing the lights were better so I could see ever-fluid Shinya? Do they see me when I close my eyes and smile?
Kyo finished by putting a black bucket on his head with the words RAPE ME adorning it. I would rape you, Kyo. I wouldn't fuck you. I would give you more darkness, more pain and sorrow, letting it amplify my own while I gorged myself on yours, until we were satiated. That is the musical relationship between myself and Dir en Grey. I froze my feet outside for over an hour to listen, watch, and be grateful. It was hard, with all those people there... but sometimes I thought that you did see me...
And it was all worth it.
Live report, Toronto, February 9th, 2007. The Guvernment.
I get the feeling that the die-hard (ha a pun) fans are still at the venue. Overall, I couldn't get into it. I couldn't let go. It's a cronic problem in my life, a never-ending struggle with anxiety and fear that follows me into my sleep.
There were so many beautiful moments. Kyo, standing on his crate (teehee), removing the hook from his belt chains and making sure we could all see him dramatically cut his ribs from right to left as if he was Jesus Christ himself. At first I saw nothing, then a line, then it trickled down in two rivulets. As the night wore on, it dried to dark red, brownish, then grey with sweat. I will never doubt the veracity of his actions again.
This was the closest I will ever come to them, my five beloved musicians that are so much more than the sum of their parts. I was so close I noticed Kyo wore a silver ring on his index finger, the line of his hips when he teasingly tugged down his waistband to reveal a strip of black underwear, and I could even see the colour of Die's tongue when he stuck it out to hover over the neck of his guitar at the end of the show.
My ears are buzzing with the screams of a thousand girls, boys, fans, goths, guitars and Kyo, Kyo, Kyo. You gave it your all, like you always do. No standing around, no boredom, after so many years, you still scream and cry and beg for your mother during Child's Prey. You make me love you, but I couldn't give you my heart tonight, because I gave it away once and never got it back.
I saw my ex-boyfriend. At a Dir en Grey concert, the only thing that could make me courageous enough to go to a Toronto nightclub all alone. Fate offered me a chance. I rejected it. It's been five years since he broke my heart, killing the certainty (I refuse to call it a dream) that we would be married, and I would be forever happy. Instead, as the song says, there was a club, I went alone, and I left alone, and I went home and cried and I want to die. Except I'm not really crying about him, I feel like crying because my heart wasn't in the concert tonight.
I had to laugh at the n00bs who didn't know when G.D.S.'s KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! chant ended. The first time it stopped and the crowd kept going, there was a titter of laughter. Then they failed the fandom litmus test again, and I had to laugh at them. I might not know the names or lyrics of most of the songs on the set-list, but I fucking know how the chant goes.
God, I smell right now. We, the mass animal that is a mob of people, crushed into each other. I've read live reports which mention the surge before, but I had no idea of the reality. Girls cried out in terror of falling over when group-think dictated the entire left side hated the right, or that the back wanted to be a few inches closer to the front. It was very, very strange to become so intimate with strangers. I touched his back, my palm laid flat on her bare shoulder, she pressed against my ass, she crushed my breasts. All of this so we could get that little bit closer, get that one good angle to look at them with our own eyes and see their living, writhing flesh for ourselves. Like I said...there were a lot of beautiful things.
I can think about it this way now, but at the time? I was pissed. All the PEOPLE were interfering with my enjoyment. I spent more time thinking about staying on my feet than listening to the music. but concerts aren't about music, they're about the experience. I seem to lack that ability to drown my mind with the experience, no matter how acutely the drums beat my heart and the bass thrummed my veins. I'm a solitary person; I become engrossed in music much more readily when I'm walking alone to work than when five talented men that I've loved for years are standing but a dozen feet away from me.
Kyo finally shaved his chin pubes. He was lithe, sexual, his eyes alone engrossed me. When he cut himself, he stood quite still and looked every bit a demon. I could look into his eyes... Can you fathom what it means to see the darkness within a stranger? For him to want to show you, show everyone, and want for you to give it back to him in return?
That is why I love Dir en Grey. I can't show them my love at a concert. Instead of moshing, I was hit in the chest by someone's elbow. I'm sure at least three people felt sympathy for me after seeing my grimace. but I wonder, do they appreciate that kind of fan more than me? The one that creates a visual display of Dir en Grey's theme by literally hurting each other...or do they see me? Me, standing in the middle, looking Kyo and Die in the eyes and wishing the lights were better so I could see ever-fluid Shinya? Do they see me when I close my eyes and smile?
Kyo finished by putting a black bucket on his head with the words RAPE ME adorning it. I would rape you, Kyo. I wouldn't fuck you. I would give you more darkness, more pain and sorrow, letting it amplify my own while I gorged myself on yours, until we were satiated. That is the musical relationship between myself and Dir en Grey. I froze my feet outside for over an hour to listen, watch, and be grateful. It was hard, with all those people there... but sometimes I thought that you did see me...
And it was all worth it.