I feel like I'm going BACKWARDS.
I came out at 15 and started physically transitioning at 16. I'll be 21 in 20 days and for the past couple of years I've felt very ~over it~, so to speak. I've found it easy to forget that I'm trans, generally speaking (though it's always at the back of your mind -- I suspect it is for most of us) and I haven't really concerned myself much with the ins and outs of transitioning anymore.
But the past few months of being off of T have really made me re-evaluate what I intend to do with my body and what sort of person I'd like to appear to be. Because this is really all about appearances to me, even when they affect no one but myself.
Stopping T has been a bit funny, because I am relieved on the one hand and totally comfortable with a reduction in muscle mass, a bit of fat redistribution, some body/facial hair thinning, etc. In some cases it's even desirable. However... I don't like the reoccurring menstruation which has once again become regular AND I don't like the... feeling? I sort of have that I am testosterone-less. That my body is all on the estrogen bandwagon again and just chugging along and everything.
I finally got off of my ass and managed to get a refill on my T prescription for about 5 months, so theoretically I should just be fine getting back on it and moving on with my life. But I don't know if I WANT to be on it, and I'm not even sure I am comfortable thinking of myself as male anymore. I acknowledge on a very concrete, physical, reality-driven (lol) level that I AM NOT male and never will be. I have eggs and ovaries and no Y chromosome and blah blah blah. I don't even identify as particularly masculine and so it's all very confusing for me.
I do know I like myself better when I feel like I appear male and my body is more masculine than feminine, but there is a certain amount of femininity that I enjoy. And not stereotypical "of course I like pink I'm a gay dude" sort of feminine. Just "feminine" by itself, as it relates to being female.
I don't want to bleed. I don't want tits. I don't want people to think I'm a girl at ALL but I do wish I could exist in some genderless gray area in which I was just sort of a feminine PERSON but not a feminine female or male. Although the physical androgyny of a male appearing body is more comfortable to me than a female body. That probably doesn't make very much sense, but that's all I've got in the way of a description for now. :V
Anyway, it's been on my mind more lately, is what I think I'm trying to say. I just hope that I can sort this out in a timely manner. I don't want to wait and wait and wind up waiting through things that I would have been better off making a decision sooner about.
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On a side note, I feel like crocheting my brains out but I don't feel like doing amigurumi. 10/13 of my current commissions are amigurumi. :< Sigh. I suppose this is my fault.
But the past few months of being off of T have really made me re-evaluate what I intend to do with my body and what sort of person I'd like to appear to be. Because this is really all about appearances to me, even when they affect no one but myself.
Stopping T has been a bit funny, because I am relieved on the one hand and totally comfortable with a reduction in muscle mass, a bit of fat redistribution, some body/facial hair thinning, etc. In some cases it's even desirable. However... I don't like the reoccurring menstruation which has once again become regular AND I don't like the... feeling? I sort of have that I am testosterone-less. That my body is all on the estrogen bandwagon again and just chugging along and everything.
I finally got off of my ass and managed to get a refill on my T prescription for about 5 months, so theoretically I should just be fine getting back on it and moving on with my life. But I don't know if I WANT to be on it, and I'm not even sure I am comfortable thinking of myself as male anymore. I acknowledge on a very concrete, physical, reality-driven (lol) level that I AM NOT male and never will be. I have eggs and ovaries and no Y chromosome and blah blah blah. I don't even identify as particularly masculine and so it's all very confusing for me.
I do know I like myself better when I feel like I appear male and my body is more masculine than feminine, but there is a certain amount of femininity that I enjoy. And not stereotypical "of course I like pink I'm a gay dude" sort of feminine. Just "feminine" by itself, as it relates to being female.
I don't want to bleed. I don't want tits. I don't want people to think I'm a girl at ALL but I do wish I could exist in some genderless gray area in which I was just sort of a feminine PERSON but not a feminine female or male. Although the physical androgyny of a male appearing body is more comfortable to me than a female body. That probably doesn't make very much sense, but that's all I've got in the way of a description for now. :V
Anyway, it's been on my mind more lately, is what I think I'm trying to say. I just hope that I can sort this out in a timely manner. I don't want to wait and wait and wind up waiting through things that I would have been better off making a decision sooner about.
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On a side note, I feel like crocheting my brains out but I don't feel like doing amigurumi. 10/13 of my current commissions are amigurumi. :< Sigh. I suppose this is my fault.