(no subject)
Every time I think about the things my Dad wont be here for in the future - my wedding, grandchildren, birthdays - I feel as if my heart is breaking. I can't stop thinking about it and reminders seem to be everywhere at the moment. It still just doesn't seem real when I really stop and think about it. When I think about the fact that he is dead. Gone forever and I won't ever see him again or hear his voice. How is that possible? It just makes no sense to me, which I realise sounds ridiculous. Its been 7 and a half years so how can I still feel like this. Maybe its because I was so in denial at the start and refused to face how I was really feeling? Or maybe this is normal? I really don't know and I can't understand it. My Dad died 7 and a half years ago but when I think about that or say that to myself I still can't believe it.
I just don't know. I get on with my life but every single day I think about him. All the things he's already missed and the hundreds of things to come.
It absolutely devastates me that he will not be here on my wedding day to walk me down the aisle. I cannot find the words to say how that makes me feel. Every girl is supposed to have that. He won't be here when I have children and it makes me so sad because I know he would have loved to see that and he would have been the proudest best Grandad ever. He won't ever meet my boyfriend, which seems so small and silly but it makes me sad because I know they would've got on and he would've been so happy for me.
I would literally do anything to bring him back and its so ridiculous saying that - I'm fully aware of the fact that that's impossible but I can't help but think about it.
I think a lot of the time I don't let myself think about it and really feel the pain of what has happened to me. My Dad died when I was 14, and I watched him suffer and be in huge amounts of pain. I don't really feel like I've ever let myself think about it too much. I didn't want to deal with it. Now when I stop and think about it I am overcome with how awful and painful it is.
I haven't been on here in forever, but I've just been letting myself think about this a lot lately and I feel completely overwhelmed by it. I had to get it out. I don't feel like I can speak to anyone about it, So I'm just sat alone in my room crying letting the feelings eat me up. I just don't feel like this can possibly be real. How is he dead? I feel like I must just sound completely ridiculous, but I cannot get my head around it. Sometimes I still feel like I might wake up and this will all have been one horrendous nightmare. I think about how different my life would be if this hadn't all happened - some things I have now and mightn't have had otherwise are good things I do have to admit, but I'd give them all up in a heartbeat for this to have been one long nightmare.
"I don't know how to exist in a world where my Dad doesn't."
I'd say that's a pretty adequate way to summarise how I feel.
I just don't know. I get on with my life but every single day I think about him. All the things he's already missed and the hundreds of things to come.
It absolutely devastates me that he will not be here on my wedding day to walk me down the aisle. I cannot find the words to say how that makes me feel. Every girl is supposed to have that. He won't be here when I have children and it makes me so sad because I know he would have loved to see that and he would have been the proudest best Grandad ever. He won't ever meet my boyfriend, which seems so small and silly but it makes me sad because I know they would've got on and he would've been so happy for me.
I would literally do anything to bring him back and its so ridiculous saying that - I'm fully aware of the fact that that's impossible but I can't help but think about it.
I think a lot of the time I don't let myself think about it and really feel the pain of what has happened to me. My Dad died when I was 14, and I watched him suffer and be in huge amounts of pain. I don't really feel like I've ever let myself think about it too much. I didn't want to deal with it. Now when I stop and think about it I am overcome with how awful and painful it is.
I haven't been on here in forever, but I've just been letting myself think about this a lot lately and I feel completely overwhelmed by it. I had to get it out. I don't feel like I can speak to anyone about it, So I'm just sat alone in my room crying letting the feelings eat me up. I just don't feel like this can possibly be real. How is he dead? I feel like I must just sound completely ridiculous, but I cannot get my head around it. Sometimes I still feel like I might wake up and this will all have been one horrendous nightmare. I think about how different my life would be if this hadn't all happened - some things I have now and mightn't have had otherwise are good things I do have to admit, but I'd give them all up in a heartbeat for this to have been one long nightmare.
"I don't know how to exist in a world where my Dad doesn't."
I'd say that's a pretty adequate way to summarise how I feel.