Find me in the River (8/10)
Title: Find me in the River
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Fandom: CSI
Characters: Nick/Greg, the workforce of the Las Vegas Crime Lab night shift, some of the Stokes family
Length: ~32,000 (Chapter One: 3,536)
Spoilers: 2.03 - Overload
Summary: For Nick and Greg to get it together, Nick has to acknowledge some things about himself that he's been hiding for years. When he starts to come out to colleagues and family, a number of lives are affected.
Warnings: Child abuse. Domestic violence. Homophobic violence. Contains details of a number of crime scenes.
Didn't count on pain
Nick stood in the middle of the crime lab’s reception, shock creeping up his spine like a lizard.
“It’s the middle of my shift, BJ. I can take a quick break, but we’ll need to go outside. Unescorted visitors aren’t allowed in the crime lab.”
His nephew twisted his hands nervously. “That’s ok.”
“Wait here. I’ll get us some water from the breakroom.”
They made their way outside in silence and once they were leaning against the rough walls of the lab, BJ rummaged in his pockets and brought out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.
Nick frowned. “Since when do you smoke?”
BJ shrugged. “Key part of the med student diet. Along with coffee and Skittles.”
Nick raised an eyebrow. “All the major food groups?”
BJ grinned at him, and Nick remembered how adorable he had been as a baby with his shock of blond hair. “Skittles have fruit juice in them.”
“Yeah.” Nick took a swig from his bottle of water and tried to ignore the fact that the smoke from BJ’s cigarette was making his eyes sting. “So why are you here, BJ?”
“Bachelor party. One of my fellow med students is getting married.” BJ picked a stray piece of tobacco out of his mouth. “He’s kind of an asshole. I suspect it’s a starter marriage so he can get his wife to pay him through medical school before trading her in for a fresh model.”
Nick looked at his nephew, leaning casually against the crime lab wall on one foot; knee jutting out in front of him. When did he get so cynical?
“No, I mean why are you here?”
“I couldn’t come to Vegas and not see my favorite uncle, could I?” As if his bitterness was echoing in his own ears BJ looked away, towards the road where cars were blaring music into the orange-tinged Vegas night sky.
“BJ, are you drunk?”
BJ considered. “I had a few drinks with the rest of the guys. They were going off to find hookers but that’s not really my thing.”
“You have a girlfriend?”
BJ darted a quick glance at his uncle. “Well, yeah, but I also have a conscience. I worked an OB/GYN rotation at a free clinic in Chicago. What I saw wasn’t exactly Pretty Woman.”
Nick looked at his shoes. “Yeah.”
BJ blew a stream of smoke at the lamp that lit up the outside of the crime lab.
“My parents asked if you’d done stuff to me.” He had clearly tried for casual and missed. The tension was vibrating in his voice.
Nick felt his mouth dry up. “Annie told me.”
BJ carefully avoided looking at him. “Did you hurt some other kid? Is that why they asked?”
Nick felt like he’d been punched. “Jesus, no.”
BJ pushed himself off the wall and flicked his cigarette away. “So why did they ask? Just shooting the breeze? Flipped through my iTunes playlist and wanted to know if that Unclefucker song from the South Park soundtrack had a special, personal meaning for me?”
Nick winced. “They didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
Nick sighed. “I wrote to your grandmother and told her I was gay. This, apparently, is what they think I mean by that.”
BJ froze and then threw his head back and laughed. “You’re kidding?”
Nick shook his head. “I wish I were.”
“Fuck, that’s ridiculous.“ BJ’s shoulders slumped and he dug in his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. “I’ve been imagining all these scenarios.” He flicked a flame from his lighter. “Caitlin came to a party at my apartment last year. She wants to go to Northwestern in a couple of years, follow in Zoe’s footsteps.”
“Yeah, I got the family Christmas letter.” Nick’s voice was bland.
“So you’ll have noticed that the three children of Bill and Andrea Stokes currently in college have escaped pretty far away from the old homestead?”
Nick nodded.
“At the party, Caitlin took a couple of bumps of coke with asshole groom-to-be Jeremy. I could have killed him. Fuck knows what they cut that shit with and giving drugs to sixteen year old girls is pretty sketchy. Anyway, she totally freaked out and I spent the last couple of hours of the party sitting on the fire escape with her while she cried.”
Nick looked at his nephew in concern.
BJ took another drag on his cigarette. “She was talking about how fucked up our family was, but she wasn’t making a lot of sense. When Mom and Dad called, I just thought -“
He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’m really fucking sorry. You’ve never been anything but good to us.”
Nick sipped his water. “Nothing to be sorry for, man. If it had been Annie I would have done the same thing. Thought the same thing.”
BJ looked away. “If I’d really been looking out for them I would have gone to medical school in Texas.”
Something twisted in Nick’s chest. “Why?”
BJ’s jaw clenched. “To keep an eye on them. Run interference. Give them someplace to go. I don’t know, man. Just be there.”
“No, I mean why?”
BJ cut Nick a look. “He’s your brother.”
Nick tried to remember what Bill was like with his children. He could remember them all visiting the ranch, laughing and running around. He could remember visits to Bill and Andrea’s house and their flawless hospitality. Barbecues and formal dinners. The beautiful dishes of food that Andrea would bring to the ranch for family Christmases and Thanksgivings. The pride in Bill’s voice as he spoke of his children’s academic and sporting successes. But also his clear and evident disappointment when BJ started dressing like a goth and when Zoe joined the Democratic Party.
Nick shook his head, stomach plunging like he’d just tipped over the edge of a rollercoaster.
BJ flicked his second cigarette away. “Caitlin’s top rode up when she was crying on my fire escape. She had a bruise on her back the size of my fist.”
“Jesus Christ.” Nick felt a wave of nausea go through him.
“He broke Zoe’s rib once. At the time she said that she fell off Dancer, but she told me the truth last year. She was wasted on tequila and telling me how funny it was because the ER nurse didn’t believe her horse-riding story and gave her a lecture on dating violence.”
“Hilarious.” Nick’s voice was dark.
“Yeah, and a real good sign that none of us talk about it until we’re chemically altered.” He looked at the road again. “I was working in the OB/GYN clinic then and it made me think. I asked her if Dad had ever - you know - and she looked at me like I was having some kind of psychotic break.” His voice cracked. “How fucked up is it when you're relieved that your Dad didn't rape your sister and only pushed her to the ground and then kicked her in the ribs.”
Nick felt a rush of anger so intense that he was scared, for a moment, that his heart would actually stop.
BJ flipped the top of his cigarettes open. Nick raised his hand, intending to reach out to close the pack; to stop his nephew from chain smoking. BJ took a quick, unsteady pace back into the wall, hitting his shoulder. Nick’s hand flew to his mouth.
BJ closed his eyes. Breathed out. Opened them. “I’m sorry. That was really - insulting.”
Nick leaned against the wall beside him, carefully leaving space between them. “It’s ok, BJ. God, you don’t have to apologise. The first time that Greg - that’s my boyfriend - and I had an argument he waved his hand to make a point and I ducked. He was completely horrified, but it’s hard to get rid of that muscle memory." He looked at his nephew "I know it's not personal.”
(He remembered the look on Greg’s face. How he’d stopped shouting like a tap had been turned off and his face had twisted as though he might cry. He’d brought his hands to Nick’s face like he was holding cotton candy between his palms and leaned their foreheads together. “I’m sorry, baby”, he’d said over and over as if it was a prayer and eventually Nick had kissed him, crushing the words with his mouth.)
BJ looked at him like he’d never seen him before. “Grandpa-?”
Nick nodded, jerkily. “Yeah.”
BJ licked his lips. “And all the others?”
Nick shook his head. “Not the girls. Your Dad and Alex, sure.” He paused. “But that’s no excuse for what he did to you and your sisters, ok?”
BJ shrugged that off. “‘Not the girls’.” He rolled the words around his mouth like a rich Chablis. “Because that would be wrong?”
Nick thought of Annie crying in the treehouse the day he was beaten for choosing trail riding over the rodeo skills elective at summer camp, and wondered who had really drawn the short straw. Tried to imagine how it would have felt to sit alone in the shade of the tree with the boards of the treehouse rough against his back, and to know that his father was hurting his sister. Couldn’t. Jesus.
“It’s all wrong, BJ.”
“Yeah.”
Nick’s beeper buzzed. He looked at it. “BJ, I have to get back inside.”
His nephew straightened up. “Well, thanks for seeing me. Take care, man.”
Nick looked at him in confusion. “BJ, this conversation isn’t over. Can you come to my apartment for lunch?”
BJ jammed his hands in his pockets. “Won’t you be asleep?”
Nick swallowed. “I have the next couple of days off. I can stay up and have lunch with you. Can we talk more about this?”
BJ scuffed his shoe against cement. “Sure. Ok. The guys were just going to sit around the pool until late, tomorrow. We’re staying at the Hard Rock.”
Nick snorted. “Of course you are.” He scribbled his address on one of his cards. “This is the address. It’s a short cab ride from the Strip.”
BJ put the card in his pocket. “Thanks.”
Nick wrapped his nephew in a fierce hug. “I’ll see you later.”
“Jesus, Nicky.” Greg’s fingers moved absently through Nick’s hair.
“I know.” Nick was lying on his back on his sofa, with his head in Greg’s lap.
“Do you think he’s going to be ok?”
Nick shrugged. “I think he feels guilty as hell. Especially about his two youngest sisters.” He drew his fingers across his eyes. “God, how did I not notice? Why didn’t BJ tell me?”
Greg’s fingers stilled in Nick’s hair. “Don’t.”
“Yeah. You’re right. They all did a great job covering up for Bill. Just like Bill did a great job covering up for my Daddy.”
Greg’s fingers resumed their stroking. “He can’t excuse himself by blaming your father.”
Nick’s face was somber. “Yeah, it doesn’t help though, does it? Who knows. Maybe if I had kids I would end up doing the same to them.”
Greg let his hand rest on Nick’s forehead. “I don’t believe that. Can you imagine having a daughter? And watching her grow up and go to school and become someone with interests and friends and original ideas all of her own? And then can you imagine pushing her to the ground, and standing over her and kicking her ribs hard enough to break them?”
Nick’s mouth became a hard line.
“Because I can’t imagine doing that to a grown man that I hated, let alone my own child.”
“Me either.” Nick’s voice was raw.
“What are you going to do?”
“I have an idea, but I need to run it past BJ.”
The doorbell rang.
BJ looked as nervous as Nick felt. He had been wearing a suit the previous evening but the jeans, t-shirt and sneakers he wore then accentuated his youth.
Greg looked him over with interest. He’d spoken to Annie on the phone, but BJ was the first other Stokes that Greg had met. There was something of Nick in the set of his shoulders and the line of his jaw, although BJ was blond where Nick was dark.
He stepped in to Nick’s apartment, looking around him. He looked at Greg shyly, flicked a quick glance up and down him.
“I’m Greg.” Greg held his hand out.
“Billy. Nice to meet you man.” He shook Greg’s hand.
“Billy?” Nick’s eyebrows were raised.
“Sure,” BJ grinned. “Ever tried explaining to your SMU fraternity brothers why your nickname is the same as their favourite sexual act? ‘Billy’ kind of stuck after that.”
They’d all laughed, then, and all of a sudden everything was ok. They’d sat round Nick’s small table, the three of them, and talked about school and science and medicine. BJ had been funny and charming; complimenting Nick and showing an interest in Greg. Although Nick knew that people weren’t responsible for family, he felt proud that this amiable guy with a social conscience was his nephew.
They were sipping the coffee that Greg had made when BJ looked Greg in the eye and apologised for his parents’ reaction.
“They’re crazy, my parents. I don’t want you to think everyone from the great state of Texas is a homophobe.”
Greg looked at Nick and then back to BJ. “It’s ok, man. I’ve spoken to Annie so I’m confident there’s some rational genes there as well, even in the clan Stokes.”
A shadow crossed BJ’s face. “Yeah. Although my parents could definitely stand another ride on the clue train.”
Nick put his hand on BJ’s arm and Greg took that as his signal to leave.
“Nicky, I have a few errands to run and then I’m going to crash for a bit. Give me a call when you wake up?” He pushed his chair back from the table. “Billy, it was a real pleasure. I hope we’ll see you again real soon.”
BJ stood up and smiled. “You too, man. It’s nice to have another uncle who didn’t vote for Bush.” He stepped forward and hugged Greg, who raised his eyebrows at Nick over BJ’s shoulder. Uncle?, he mouthed. Nick grinned at him.
Greg hesitated over how to say goodbye to Nick in front of BJ but Nick leaned towards him, sliding his hand down Greg’s hair to the back of his neck and kissed him chastely but affectionately on the lips. “See you later, dude.”
“He’s a great guy,” said BJ, as the door closed behind Greg with a click.
“He is.”
“I really am sorry about my parents.”
“It’s not your fault,” Nick said, easily. “My Momma seems to have hit the panic button that kicked all of this off. And I’m kind of glad she did, because otherwise we wouldn’t have had the chance to talk about this other stuff.”
BJ sat down awkwardly on the edge of Nick’s sofa.
“Do you want a beer?” Nick asked.
“Sure.”
He went to the kitchen and brought back two beers and an ashtray.
“It’s ok to smoke in here?”
Nick nodded. “Sure.” He sat down.
BJ slipped a cigarette out of his pack and lit it. Nick watched the smoke curl into his sofa and wondered how long it would take for the smell to fade.
“BJ, I’ve got an idea I wanted to run past you.”
“Ok.”
“I want to write to your father.”
BJ’s head jerked up. “No way, man.”
Nick put his hand on BJ’s arm. “I want to write to your father and say that if I ever hear that he’s hurt any of his children, I’ll be asking LVPD to inform Dallas PD’s Internal Affairs department that they suspect him of committing a crime. And that he’ll have his blue brothers all over his house."
BJ was silent and still.
“I know this is hard and scary, but I want you to get in touch with Caitlin and tell her that you’re worried about Lizzie and that she has to tell you if your father hurts Lizzie. And I want you to get in touch with Lizzie and tell her you’re worried about Caitlin, and to do the same.”
Nick took a breath. “And I’m going to speak to Annie, and ask her to keep a closer eye on them both.”
BJ shook his head. “I tried to get Caitlin to talk to me about it when she came up to visit. She wouldn’t.”
Nick sighed. “I never told anyone about my Daddy until I told Greg. I didn’t even realise there was a problem with it. But we both know there is. And I know it doesn’t sit well with you that your two baby sisters are the only ones in the firing line. And that your Daddy seems to be smart enough to only cause bruises where no one will see them. You're nearly a doctor, BJ. You know that's where the major organs are.”
BJ was quiet. “Yeah.”
Nick looked at his nephew. “I think this way, where they’re looking out for each other is the best way. And Bill’s got way too much pride to want to get into it with me about how I know.”
“I don’t know if I can get them to even talk to me enough about this to agree to watch each other’s backs, but I’ll try.” BJ’s voice was all over the place.
“You’re a good guy, BJ.”
BJ scrubbed his eyes with his sleeve. “Please don’t.”
Nick slid his arm along BJ’s shoulders. “I know you probably haven’t heard that enough.” If at all.
BJ pushed his arm away. “Please. I will lose it if you don’t stop being nice to me.”
“BJ, losing it is perfectly ok. Lord knows that this very sofa has seen enough losing it to last it a lifetime.” He made his voice gentle. “Losing it doesn’t make you less of a man.”
BJ’s face crumpled and he started, soundlessly, to cry. At first he just sat poker straight on the sofa but after a few moments he turned into Nick’s chest and wrapped his arms around his neck. Nick took a deep breath as he folded his nephew in his arms and thought, not for the first time, that he could cheerfully wring his brother’s neck.
“It’s so weird, Greggo,” Nick said, gesturing at the ceiling. “I thought coming out to my family would separate me from them, but it’s actually made it possible for me to relate better to the people I want to be close to. Like Annie and BJ.”
He smiled in the dark. “It’s liberating. Knowing I have no secrets means I can just do whatever feels like the best thing to do.”
Greg dropped a kiss on his shoulder. “Happy as I am for you, baby, I've now heard this story three times. I think we can put that mouth of yours to better use.”
Nick snorted. “God, are you still not satisfied?”
The phone by the bed started to ring.
“What does it feel like?” Greg asked, pushing himself against Nick’s leg.”
“Shush there, horndog.” Nick picked up the phone. “Hello?”
( Chapter nine: Ripples come and ripples go)
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Fandom: CSI
Characters: Nick/Greg, the workforce of the Las Vegas Crime Lab night shift, some of the Stokes family
Length: ~32,000 (Chapter One: 3,536)
Spoilers: 2.03 - Overload
Summary: For Nick and Greg to get it together, Nick has to acknowledge some things about himself that he's been hiding for years. When he starts to come out to colleagues and family, a number of lives are affected.
Warnings: Child abuse. Domestic violence. Homophobic violence. Contains details of a number of crime scenes.
Didn't count on pain
Nick stood in the middle of the crime lab’s reception, shock creeping up his spine like a lizard.
“It’s the middle of my shift, BJ. I can take a quick break, but we’ll need to go outside. Unescorted visitors aren’t allowed in the crime lab.”
His nephew twisted his hands nervously. “That’s ok.”
“Wait here. I’ll get us some water from the breakroom.”
They made their way outside in silence and once they were leaning against the rough walls of the lab, BJ rummaged in his pockets and brought out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.
Nick frowned. “Since when do you smoke?”
BJ shrugged. “Key part of the med student diet. Along with coffee and Skittles.”
Nick raised an eyebrow. “All the major food groups?”
BJ grinned at him, and Nick remembered how adorable he had been as a baby with his shock of blond hair. “Skittles have fruit juice in them.”
“Yeah.” Nick took a swig from his bottle of water and tried to ignore the fact that the smoke from BJ’s cigarette was making his eyes sting. “So why are you here, BJ?”
“Bachelor party. One of my fellow med students is getting married.” BJ picked a stray piece of tobacco out of his mouth. “He’s kind of an asshole. I suspect it’s a starter marriage so he can get his wife to pay him through medical school before trading her in for a fresh model.”
Nick looked at his nephew, leaning casually against the crime lab wall on one foot; knee jutting out in front of him. When did he get so cynical?
“No, I mean why are you here?”
“I couldn’t come to Vegas and not see my favorite uncle, could I?” As if his bitterness was echoing in his own ears BJ looked away, towards the road where cars were blaring music into the orange-tinged Vegas night sky.
“BJ, are you drunk?”
BJ considered. “I had a few drinks with the rest of the guys. They were going off to find hookers but that’s not really my thing.”
“You have a girlfriend?”
BJ darted a quick glance at his uncle. “Well, yeah, but I also have a conscience. I worked an OB/GYN rotation at a free clinic in Chicago. What I saw wasn’t exactly Pretty Woman.”
Nick looked at his shoes. “Yeah.”
BJ blew a stream of smoke at the lamp that lit up the outside of the crime lab.
“My parents asked if you’d done stuff to me.” He had clearly tried for casual and missed. The tension was vibrating in his voice.
Nick felt his mouth dry up. “Annie told me.”
BJ carefully avoided looking at him. “Did you hurt some other kid? Is that why they asked?”
Nick felt like he’d been punched. “Jesus, no.”
BJ pushed himself off the wall and flicked his cigarette away. “So why did they ask? Just shooting the breeze? Flipped through my iTunes playlist and wanted to know if that Unclefucker song from the South Park soundtrack had a special, personal meaning for me?”
Nick winced. “They didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
Nick sighed. “I wrote to your grandmother and told her I was gay. This, apparently, is what they think I mean by that.”
BJ froze and then threw his head back and laughed. “You’re kidding?”
Nick shook his head. “I wish I were.”
“Fuck, that’s ridiculous.“ BJ’s shoulders slumped and he dug in his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. “I’ve been imagining all these scenarios.” He flicked a flame from his lighter. “Caitlin came to a party at my apartment last year. She wants to go to Northwestern in a couple of years, follow in Zoe’s footsteps.”
“Yeah, I got the family Christmas letter.” Nick’s voice was bland.
“So you’ll have noticed that the three children of Bill and Andrea Stokes currently in college have escaped pretty far away from the old homestead?”
Nick nodded.
“At the party, Caitlin took a couple of bumps of coke with asshole groom-to-be Jeremy. I could have killed him. Fuck knows what they cut that shit with and giving drugs to sixteen year old girls is pretty sketchy. Anyway, she totally freaked out and I spent the last couple of hours of the party sitting on the fire escape with her while she cried.”
Nick looked at his nephew in concern.
BJ took another drag on his cigarette. “She was talking about how fucked up our family was, but she wasn’t making a lot of sense. When Mom and Dad called, I just thought -“
He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’m really fucking sorry. You’ve never been anything but good to us.”
Nick sipped his water. “Nothing to be sorry for, man. If it had been Annie I would have done the same thing. Thought the same thing.”
BJ looked away. “If I’d really been looking out for them I would have gone to medical school in Texas.”
Something twisted in Nick’s chest. “Why?”
BJ’s jaw clenched. “To keep an eye on them. Run interference. Give them someplace to go. I don’t know, man. Just be there.”
“No, I mean why?”
BJ cut Nick a look. “He’s your brother.”
Nick tried to remember what Bill was like with his children. He could remember them all visiting the ranch, laughing and running around. He could remember visits to Bill and Andrea’s house and their flawless hospitality. Barbecues and formal dinners. The beautiful dishes of food that Andrea would bring to the ranch for family Christmases and Thanksgivings. The pride in Bill’s voice as he spoke of his children’s academic and sporting successes. But also his clear and evident disappointment when BJ started dressing like a goth and when Zoe joined the Democratic Party.
Nick shook his head, stomach plunging like he’d just tipped over the edge of a rollercoaster.
BJ flicked his second cigarette away. “Caitlin’s top rode up when she was crying on my fire escape. She had a bruise on her back the size of my fist.”
“Jesus Christ.” Nick felt a wave of nausea go through him.
“He broke Zoe’s rib once. At the time she said that she fell off Dancer, but she told me the truth last year. She was wasted on tequila and telling me how funny it was because the ER nurse didn’t believe her horse-riding story and gave her a lecture on dating violence.”
“Hilarious.” Nick’s voice was dark.
“Yeah, and a real good sign that none of us talk about it until we’re chemically altered.” He looked at the road again. “I was working in the OB/GYN clinic then and it made me think. I asked her if Dad had ever - you know - and she looked at me like I was having some kind of psychotic break.” His voice cracked. “How fucked up is it when you're relieved that your Dad didn't rape your sister and only pushed her to the ground and then kicked her in the ribs.”
Nick felt a rush of anger so intense that he was scared, for a moment, that his heart would actually stop.
BJ flipped the top of his cigarettes open. Nick raised his hand, intending to reach out to close the pack; to stop his nephew from chain smoking. BJ took a quick, unsteady pace back into the wall, hitting his shoulder. Nick’s hand flew to his mouth.
BJ closed his eyes. Breathed out. Opened them. “I’m sorry. That was really - insulting.”
Nick leaned against the wall beside him, carefully leaving space between them. “It’s ok, BJ. God, you don’t have to apologise. The first time that Greg - that’s my boyfriend - and I had an argument he waved his hand to make a point and I ducked. He was completely horrified, but it’s hard to get rid of that muscle memory." He looked at his nephew "I know it's not personal.”
(He remembered the look on Greg’s face. How he’d stopped shouting like a tap had been turned off and his face had twisted as though he might cry. He’d brought his hands to Nick’s face like he was holding cotton candy between his palms and leaned their foreheads together. “I’m sorry, baby”, he’d said over and over as if it was a prayer and eventually Nick had kissed him, crushing the words with his mouth.)
BJ looked at him like he’d never seen him before. “Grandpa-?”
Nick nodded, jerkily. “Yeah.”
BJ licked his lips. “And all the others?”
Nick shook his head. “Not the girls. Your Dad and Alex, sure.” He paused. “But that’s no excuse for what he did to you and your sisters, ok?”
BJ shrugged that off. “‘Not the girls’.” He rolled the words around his mouth like a rich Chablis. “Because that would be wrong?”
Nick thought of Annie crying in the treehouse the day he was beaten for choosing trail riding over the rodeo skills elective at summer camp, and wondered who had really drawn the short straw. Tried to imagine how it would have felt to sit alone in the shade of the tree with the boards of the treehouse rough against his back, and to know that his father was hurting his sister. Couldn’t. Jesus.
“It’s all wrong, BJ.”
“Yeah.”
Nick’s beeper buzzed. He looked at it. “BJ, I have to get back inside.”
His nephew straightened up. “Well, thanks for seeing me. Take care, man.”
Nick looked at him in confusion. “BJ, this conversation isn’t over. Can you come to my apartment for lunch?”
BJ jammed his hands in his pockets. “Won’t you be asleep?”
Nick swallowed. “I have the next couple of days off. I can stay up and have lunch with you. Can we talk more about this?”
BJ scuffed his shoe against cement. “Sure. Ok. The guys were just going to sit around the pool until late, tomorrow. We’re staying at the Hard Rock.”
Nick snorted. “Of course you are.” He scribbled his address on one of his cards. “This is the address. It’s a short cab ride from the Strip.”
BJ put the card in his pocket. “Thanks.”
Nick wrapped his nephew in a fierce hug. “I’ll see you later.”
“Jesus, Nicky.” Greg’s fingers moved absently through Nick’s hair.
“I know.” Nick was lying on his back on his sofa, with his head in Greg’s lap.
“Do you think he’s going to be ok?”
Nick shrugged. “I think he feels guilty as hell. Especially about his two youngest sisters.” He drew his fingers across his eyes. “God, how did I not notice? Why didn’t BJ tell me?”
Greg’s fingers stilled in Nick’s hair. “Don’t.”
“Yeah. You’re right. They all did a great job covering up for Bill. Just like Bill did a great job covering up for my Daddy.”
Greg’s fingers resumed their stroking. “He can’t excuse himself by blaming your father.”
Nick’s face was somber. “Yeah, it doesn’t help though, does it? Who knows. Maybe if I had kids I would end up doing the same to them.”
Greg let his hand rest on Nick’s forehead. “I don’t believe that. Can you imagine having a daughter? And watching her grow up and go to school and become someone with interests and friends and original ideas all of her own? And then can you imagine pushing her to the ground, and standing over her and kicking her ribs hard enough to break them?”
Nick’s mouth became a hard line.
“Because I can’t imagine doing that to a grown man that I hated, let alone my own child.”
“Me either.” Nick’s voice was raw.
“What are you going to do?”
“I have an idea, but I need to run it past BJ.”
The doorbell rang.
BJ looked as nervous as Nick felt. He had been wearing a suit the previous evening but the jeans, t-shirt and sneakers he wore then accentuated his youth.
Greg looked him over with interest. He’d spoken to Annie on the phone, but BJ was the first other Stokes that Greg had met. There was something of Nick in the set of his shoulders and the line of his jaw, although BJ was blond where Nick was dark.
He stepped in to Nick’s apartment, looking around him. He looked at Greg shyly, flicked a quick glance up and down him.
“I’m Greg.” Greg held his hand out.
“Billy. Nice to meet you man.” He shook Greg’s hand.
“Billy?” Nick’s eyebrows were raised.
“Sure,” BJ grinned. “Ever tried explaining to your SMU fraternity brothers why your nickname is the same as their favourite sexual act? ‘Billy’ kind of stuck after that.”
They’d all laughed, then, and all of a sudden everything was ok. They’d sat round Nick’s small table, the three of them, and talked about school and science and medicine. BJ had been funny and charming; complimenting Nick and showing an interest in Greg. Although Nick knew that people weren’t responsible for family, he felt proud that this amiable guy with a social conscience was his nephew.
They were sipping the coffee that Greg had made when BJ looked Greg in the eye and apologised for his parents’ reaction.
“They’re crazy, my parents. I don’t want you to think everyone from the great state of Texas is a homophobe.”
Greg looked at Nick and then back to BJ. “It’s ok, man. I’ve spoken to Annie so I’m confident there’s some rational genes there as well, even in the clan Stokes.”
A shadow crossed BJ’s face. “Yeah. Although my parents could definitely stand another ride on the clue train.”
Nick put his hand on BJ’s arm and Greg took that as his signal to leave.
“Nicky, I have a few errands to run and then I’m going to crash for a bit. Give me a call when you wake up?” He pushed his chair back from the table. “Billy, it was a real pleasure. I hope we’ll see you again real soon.”
BJ stood up and smiled. “You too, man. It’s nice to have another uncle who didn’t vote for Bush.” He stepped forward and hugged Greg, who raised his eyebrows at Nick over BJ’s shoulder. Uncle?, he mouthed. Nick grinned at him.
Greg hesitated over how to say goodbye to Nick in front of BJ but Nick leaned towards him, sliding his hand down Greg’s hair to the back of his neck and kissed him chastely but affectionately on the lips. “See you later, dude.”
“He’s a great guy,” said BJ, as the door closed behind Greg with a click.
“He is.”
“I really am sorry about my parents.”
“It’s not your fault,” Nick said, easily. “My Momma seems to have hit the panic button that kicked all of this off. And I’m kind of glad she did, because otherwise we wouldn’t have had the chance to talk about this other stuff.”
BJ sat down awkwardly on the edge of Nick’s sofa.
“Do you want a beer?” Nick asked.
“Sure.”
He went to the kitchen and brought back two beers and an ashtray.
“It’s ok to smoke in here?”
Nick nodded. “Sure.” He sat down.
BJ slipped a cigarette out of his pack and lit it. Nick watched the smoke curl into his sofa and wondered how long it would take for the smell to fade.
“BJ, I’ve got an idea I wanted to run past you.”
“Ok.”
“I want to write to your father.”
BJ’s head jerked up. “No way, man.”
Nick put his hand on BJ’s arm. “I want to write to your father and say that if I ever hear that he’s hurt any of his children, I’ll be asking LVPD to inform Dallas PD’s Internal Affairs department that they suspect him of committing a crime. And that he’ll have his blue brothers all over his house."
BJ was silent and still.
“I know this is hard and scary, but I want you to get in touch with Caitlin and tell her that you’re worried about Lizzie and that she has to tell you if your father hurts Lizzie. And I want you to get in touch with Lizzie and tell her you’re worried about Caitlin, and to do the same.”
Nick took a breath. “And I’m going to speak to Annie, and ask her to keep a closer eye on them both.”
BJ shook his head. “I tried to get Caitlin to talk to me about it when she came up to visit. She wouldn’t.”
Nick sighed. “I never told anyone about my Daddy until I told Greg. I didn’t even realise there was a problem with it. But we both know there is. And I know it doesn’t sit well with you that your two baby sisters are the only ones in the firing line. And that your Daddy seems to be smart enough to only cause bruises where no one will see them. You're nearly a doctor, BJ. You know that's where the major organs are.”
BJ was quiet. “Yeah.”
Nick looked at his nephew. “I think this way, where they’re looking out for each other is the best way. And Bill’s got way too much pride to want to get into it with me about how I know.”
“I don’t know if I can get them to even talk to me enough about this to agree to watch each other’s backs, but I’ll try.” BJ’s voice was all over the place.
“You’re a good guy, BJ.”
BJ scrubbed his eyes with his sleeve. “Please don’t.”
Nick slid his arm along BJ’s shoulders. “I know you probably haven’t heard that enough.” If at all.
BJ pushed his arm away. “Please. I will lose it if you don’t stop being nice to me.”
“BJ, losing it is perfectly ok. Lord knows that this very sofa has seen enough losing it to last it a lifetime.” He made his voice gentle. “Losing it doesn’t make you less of a man.”
BJ’s face crumpled and he started, soundlessly, to cry. At first he just sat poker straight on the sofa but after a few moments he turned into Nick’s chest and wrapped his arms around his neck. Nick took a deep breath as he folded his nephew in his arms and thought, not for the first time, that he could cheerfully wring his brother’s neck.
“It’s so weird, Greggo,” Nick said, gesturing at the ceiling. “I thought coming out to my family would separate me from them, but it’s actually made it possible for me to relate better to the people I want to be close to. Like Annie and BJ.”
He smiled in the dark. “It’s liberating. Knowing I have no secrets means I can just do whatever feels like the best thing to do.”
Greg dropped a kiss on his shoulder. “Happy as I am for you, baby, I've now heard this story three times. I think we can put that mouth of yours to better use.”
Nick snorted. “God, are you still not satisfied?”
The phone by the bed started to ring.
“What does it feel like?” Greg asked, pushing himself against Nick’s leg.”
“Shush there, horndog.” Nick picked up the phone. “Hello?”
( Chapter nine: Ripples come and ripples go)