new zealand update
What I wrote in my facebook last week:
I don't want to leave nz. I know that when i leave and move to some city. or europe. or something, i wont want to leave there either. people will love me. i will love people. that's how it goes. many i will never see again. but i guess i have to keep reminding myself not to forget to move on. it is good not to want to leave, that means something is right. i just cant let myself fall into that trap. while at one pt i might have thought i was the get married and pop out a few type of gal, i stepped back and got to know myself a bit and im pretty sure i see something that doesnt quite fit that. lol. which is really too bad sometimes but not really but i was almost in tears at teh coffee shop the other night thinking about the people and the finiteness of oceans and land and life but i was also smiling so it was good. i mean, i really dont think it gets better. really. cause with longing is the necessity that something is not there, but i mean that cant be all bad, as long as you realize that. esp if it is impossible. but sometimes it's nice to lay next to someone and watch them sleep and feel the, cant think of a good word, spell? that is love. even if you know it is incomplete. in fact, now that ive seen that and it is no longer the tyrant, i like it more. but it is still sad.
So, moral: i dont want to leave here. I know that when i do, i will probably never come back. and that is good. even if i come back it will be totally different. it is perfect here for me now. kenyon is perfect in my brain. i miss my mates there. but i love my mates here. sometimes i think of what it would have been like in the old days - no technology to connect us. better in someways. you leave, you leave for good. none of this silly shit of oh ya we'll stay in touch cause that's not true in most cases. nor should it be, perhaps.
lol. see what happens when i drink too much coffee and should be learning greek? i can't forget to not dwell on the longing part too much or it'll all be gone anyway without the focus on the other parts too.
I am depressed now, i think. i'm not sure, actually. maybe just introverted - can i use that word here? I am writing in this because it is easier to type right now than in my journal. I'll go to a coffee shop later and do that. I am actually in love again? can you believe that shit. I didn't think I could do that again. I guess I will always be an erotic person. I really will have to remember not to fall into a rut. or get into trouble, which i have already done cause although i love him i keep finding other boys im interested in too. Read an article about love and the chemistry behind passionate love and long term attachment. Really interesting and good, but kind of depressing. Big huge bags of nucleic acids and molecules huh. Seeing him leave today was hard, lol. and i know i will see him again in a few days. sometime, lol. isnt that funny? love is a weird thing. supposedly prozac fixes love - all it is is a lack of seritonin in your blood. lol! doesnt that start an interesting stream of thoughts?
Will I fall out of love with him before i leave nz? who knows.
my sister has a cut on her wrist. something like 16 stitches. 8 on inside and 8 on out. it goes straight across. she was 'drunk and fell on a table of knives.' that's how every 18 year old should live. bets on whether she'll get married or not. it could go either way i guess. i care sometimes. ocean's do wonders for thumotic attachments. somewhere said something similar - oh razor's edge. good book.
cafe!
I don't want to leave nz. I know that when i leave and move to some city. or europe. or something, i wont want to leave there either. people will love me. i will love people. that's how it goes. many i will never see again. but i guess i have to keep reminding myself not to forget to move on. it is good not to want to leave, that means something is right. i just cant let myself fall into that trap. while at one pt i might have thought i was the get married and pop out a few type of gal, i stepped back and got to know myself a bit and im pretty sure i see something that doesnt quite fit that. lol. which is really too bad sometimes but not really but i was almost in tears at teh coffee shop the other night thinking about the people and the finiteness of oceans and land and life but i was also smiling so it was good. i mean, i really dont think it gets better. really. cause with longing is the necessity that something is not there, but i mean that cant be all bad, as long as you realize that. esp if it is impossible. but sometimes it's nice to lay next to someone and watch them sleep and feel the, cant think of a good word, spell? that is love. even if you know it is incomplete. in fact, now that ive seen that and it is no longer the tyrant, i like it more. but it is still sad.
So, moral: i dont want to leave here. I know that when i do, i will probably never come back. and that is good. even if i come back it will be totally different. it is perfect here for me now. kenyon is perfect in my brain. i miss my mates there. but i love my mates here. sometimes i think of what it would have been like in the old days - no technology to connect us. better in someways. you leave, you leave for good. none of this silly shit of oh ya we'll stay in touch cause that's not true in most cases. nor should it be, perhaps.
lol. see what happens when i drink too much coffee and should be learning greek? i can't forget to not dwell on the longing part too much or it'll all be gone anyway without the focus on the other parts too.
I am depressed now, i think. i'm not sure, actually. maybe just introverted - can i use that word here? I am writing in this because it is easier to type right now than in my journal. I'll go to a coffee shop later and do that. I am actually in love again? can you believe that shit. I didn't think I could do that again. I guess I will always be an erotic person. I really will have to remember not to fall into a rut. or get into trouble, which i have already done cause although i love him i keep finding other boys im interested in too. Read an article about love and the chemistry behind passionate love and long term attachment. Really interesting and good, but kind of depressing. Big huge bags of nucleic acids and molecules huh. Seeing him leave today was hard, lol. and i know i will see him again in a few days. sometime, lol. isnt that funny? love is a weird thing. supposedly prozac fixes love - all it is is a lack of seritonin in your blood. lol! doesnt that start an interesting stream of thoughts?
Will I fall out of love with him before i leave nz? who knows.
my sister has a cut on her wrist. something like 16 stitches. 8 on inside and 8 on out. it goes straight across. she was 'drunk and fell on a table of knives.' that's how every 18 year old should live. bets on whether she'll get married or not. it could go either way i guess. i care sometimes. ocean's do wonders for thumotic attachments. somewhere said something similar - oh razor's edge. good book.
cafe!