I've Underestimated My Charm (Again)
Or, alternately, 'Shit I Can Do On a First Date and Still Get Asked Out Again.'
~When passing a place with better coffee and voicing your temptation to replace the one you just got, respond to date's incredulity with, "I treat my coffee like I treat my women."
~Pick up a piece of litter off a beautifully-decorated lawn and state, "Don't worry, I'll just Bob Dole this in my right hand until I find a barrel and can wash my hands. I won't touch anything else, I promise."
~Straight up tell the dude that you're going to avoid nearly all eye-contact whilst in the restaurant, and state your plans to just scry into your latte foam for omens and pareidolic patterns and pictures.
~When you're caught lingering near a figurine display at the comic book store, don't have the intelligence to lie and instead freely admit you were looking for your favorite Pokemon.
~Lecture date on his neckbeard white male privilege for not finding that fucking Penny Arcade 'Dickwolves' debacle unfunny and problematic. Note: I am not fucking sorry about this.
~Drag date into thrift store and proceed to launch into a tangent about how you like to imagine who owned certain items and how they came to be for sale, and note your own attraction to 'angry sea' oil paintings and things with bird motifs.
~End the date with, "Ok, fuck off to Lowell to watch football. Bye."
What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me?