Some Insomnia, Some Humor
I figure I might as well make the best use of my current state of insomnia to update LJ. Really, it's 3:12 in the morning and nobody else is online because they are either out partying or asleep. Really, I'd rather be doing one of those two things, so this is by no means a criticism. While ceiling watching has become a sport for yours truly, dreaming is my sport of choice.
So, when I cannot sleep I randomly search the Internet. I discovered a lovely organization named NARTH the other day. NARTH is designed to treat individuals such as myself, those who suffer from a bout of homosexuality. From NARTH I learned that Gender Identity Disorder is basically part of pre-homosexuality. That's right, they use the term pre-homosexuality, I could not possibly have invented something that stupid on my own. Therefore, I have decided to create a little pamphlet for NARTH to help pre-homosexuality from becoming homosexuality. I feel as though my work will uplift the souls of many and help them becoming fully-functioning wonderful members of our society. I have also included helpful tips that I learned from resources such as Focus on the Family and other "American Value" websites to help out parents everywhere.
1. Does your son have more female than male friends? Is he sensitive? Does he exhibit feminine behavior? By, feminine of course, this entails weakness and other traits mocked by society at large and used to regulate homosocial relationships. If you answered yes to these questions, we suggest immediate counseling. Your son needs immediate spiritual help in dealing with his current demons. You would not want his association with the female sex to result in eventual homosexual behavior - quash this problem now! By rejecting the masculine he will only become confused and desire to sleep with men as a way of finding comfort in obtaining masculinity in some way.
Of course this theory is in no way sexist. We only believe that all non-masculine men will become gay without help, and that all females must have a son in order to feel fully complete as individuals.
2. Bond with your child of the same-sex. That's right, all it takes is a few extra minutes of bonding a day and any sort of tendency towards homosexuality will vanish completely. Remember, a big reason that your child might turn into a homosexual is because they are searching for approval of a man or a woman - approval that a mother or father could take care of absolutely.
3. All women are afraid of men, and this causes some of them to become lesbians. However, through much spiritual teaching this can be healed. Women must remember that they were created from men, and while men can be violent and oppressive, it is their job to defend women. If your daughter seems to be afraid of men, teach her about her innate inferiority to men through paternalistic documents and how she needs their protection - perhaps you will scare her straight.
4. Never tell a child that they were born to be homosexual. This is crucial. You could create serious depression. Depression is caused by societal acceptance, not by telling a child that they are abnormal and need to pursue a lifelong battle to conquering their homosexuality. Hopefully, this guide will prevent it from reaching such a dire point. Please remember to tell your child that accepting homosexuality is really a poor stand to take, it implies settling for less than they spiritually deserve. Also, it makes all homosexuals into children that hide behind the concept that they were actually born a certain way. This sort of self-indulgent rhetoric must be stopped before it destroys more innocent lives.
5. Also, a special dietry reminder from your friendly pamphleteer, refrain from feeding your child fruit - this one should be absolutely obvious. If you do not want your child to be a fruit, do not have them eating fruit. Too much sugar clogs their judgment, and we do not even want to think of the consequences of a boy who loves bananas or a girl who indulges frequently in apples.
I could go on for longer, but I think insomnia is ruining my brain. I hope you enjoyed the pamphlet. I know I owed you all one. I've tagged many of my entries so if you found this one amusing and want to check out other ones, click the "pamphlet" or "satire" tag.
So, when I cannot sleep I randomly search the Internet. I discovered a lovely organization named NARTH the other day. NARTH is designed to treat individuals such as myself, those who suffer from a bout of homosexuality. From NARTH I learned that Gender Identity Disorder is basically part of pre-homosexuality. That's right, they use the term pre-homosexuality, I could not possibly have invented something that stupid on my own. Therefore, I have decided to create a little pamphlet for NARTH to help pre-homosexuality from becoming homosexuality. I feel as though my work will uplift the souls of many and help them becoming fully-functioning wonderful members of our society. I have also included helpful tips that I learned from resources such as Focus on the Family and other "American Value" websites to help out parents everywhere.
1. Does your son have more female than male friends? Is he sensitive? Does he exhibit feminine behavior? By, feminine of course, this entails weakness and other traits mocked by society at large and used to regulate homosocial relationships. If you answered yes to these questions, we suggest immediate counseling. Your son needs immediate spiritual help in dealing with his current demons. You would not want his association with the female sex to result in eventual homosexual behavior - quash this problem now! By rejecting the masculine he will only become confused and desire to sleep with men as a way of finding comfort in obtaining masculinity in some way.
Of course this theory is in no way sexist. We only believe that all non-masculine men will become gay without help, and that all females must have a son in order to feel fully complete as individuals.
2. Bond with your child of the same-sex. That's right, all it takes is a few extra minutes of bonding a day and any sort of tendency towards homosexuality will vanish completely. Remember, a big reason that your child might turn into a homosexual is because they are searching for approval of a man or a woman - approval that a mother or father could take care of absolutely.
3. All women are afraid of men, and this causes some of them to become lesbians. However, through much spiritual teaching this can be healed. Women must remember that they were created from men, and while men can be violent and oppressive, it is their job to defend women. If your daughter seems to be afraid of men, teach her about her innate inferiority to men through paternalistic documents and how she needs their protection - perhaps you will scare her straight.
4. Never tell a child that they were born to be homosexual. This is crucial. You could create serious depression. Depression is caused by societal acceptance, not by telling a child that they are abnormal and need to pursue a lifelong battle to conquering their homosexuality. Hopefully, this guide will prevent it from reaching such a dire point. Please remember to tell your child that accepting homosexuality is really a poor stand to take, it implies settling for less than they spiritually deserve. Also, it makes all homosexuals into children that hide behind the concept that they were actually born a certain way. This sort of self-indulgent rhetoric must be stopped before it destroys more innocent lives.
5. Also, a special dietry reminder from your friendly pamphleteer, refrain from feeding your child fruit - this one should be absolutely obvious. If you do not want your child to be a fruit, do not have them eating fruit. Too much sugar clogs their judgment, and we do not even want to think of the consequences of a boy who loves bananas or a girl who indulges frequently in apples.
I could go on for longer, but I think insomnia is ruining my brain. I hope you enjoyed the pamphlet. I know I owed you all one. I've tagged many of my entries so if you found this one amusing and want to check out other ones, click the "pamphlet" or "satire" tag.