Because sometimes, shit happens..... and when it does, it sucks...
So.... Everyone is celebrating mother's day happily and joyfully...
As for me, things turned out very different and rotten which in turn has probably destroyed what could have been a nice Mother's Day celebration......
Well, what sucks the most is that I didnt do anything to wrong to cause so much of blame or hatred but on the other side, which is my mom, she decides to give me the cold shoulder for a long time. Today is the fourth day she is not talking to me....
Maybe the way i type this may make me sound remorseful or regretful, but i certainly know i did not do anything wrong. At least nothing wrong to the extent of her not talking to me.
It sucks as it happened last Thursday night when i was so sleepy and hungry at church. After the service, they wanted to carry out an entire Rosary... I told mum FIRST that i was hungry hoping we would go off and grab dinner. After all, a Rosary is not compulsory. BUT no.....
Instead, she decides to tell me how important prayers are n so on. I DID groan, but that doesnt mean that i gave a hard time. I still went on my knees and stayed for an entire Rosary!
After the entire Rosary, i was really worn out and hungry. The fatigue was really killing me. I was very very sleepy and hungry and it was about 10pm PLUS!
Apart from that, she goes on and gossips about church politics to me. I ACKNOWLEDGED her every sentence although not with so much of enthusiasm.. But THAT DOES NOT mean i was rude to her!
Well, after awhile, she decides to show who's boss and says okay, she doesnt wanna have dinner so drops me at Mcdonalds to take away food. Ever since then, i knew she wanted to show now that SHE was angry...
I could not care so less at the moment for i was really out of shape. I had my food n went to bed at about 11+pm.
Got up early the next morning which was a Friday morning and she was preparing for work. Wished her good morning. However, as expected deep inside, she did not bother to respond.
Thus has been my mom's response towards me for the past 3 days and as of now.
Don't get me wrong. I think Mother's day is a beautiful thing... Its just that i get very upset when i look at all the messages how other people say that mothers care about you and feel you and so on.
Because while my mom provides me with food and shelter and clothing, the one important thing which i feel she does not provide in adequate amount is empathy towards me.
Correct me if im wrong, but i think a mom who cares about how her son or daughter is feeling would ask whats wrong if they notice something is amiss. Not jump to conclusions and shun away their children n make it seem as though their child drove a dagger through their heart..
Yesterday i went to church for the weekly mass. But i note down that me n mom went to church our separate ways. The very thought consumes me emotionally and hurts me so much. I TRIED to stand my ground and be nice and ask what time would we be going to church. Instead, she just says you shouldn't go.
"Its TOO LONG," she says...
So i said "ahhh, so i guess this is about last thursday then?"
She never did answer me anymore. I asked again what time would we be going and she told me 5pm. So i said okay and walked away.
The sad moments began to come in when at about 3pm, i was really starving and no food was being served, i asked what about lunch. She was in her room with the door locked and she answered me to go out with my brother to buy food.
The worse part was that my brother was still in deep slumber. I thought of going out alone but something told me not to. So i decided to wake up my brother and wait for another aching hour as he gets ready.
We end up buying Mcdonalds again and went home to eat. After eating, i noticed it was 4.15pm. Mom told me we were leaving at 5 previously (as i wrote above). The terrible part seeps in more as i began to develop a head ache. After I swallowed down my food,I headed for bed and set my phone to wake me up at 4.45pm. That gives me approximately 30 mins of sleep to clear my head pain. As i laid in bed, I thanked God that I wasnt driving.
A few minutes later, i hear the grill gates opening and someone entering into a car. I chose to ignore it and told myself not to jump into conclusions. Although, i have to admit my instinct, a voice; told me that my mom abandoned me.
Still as I laid in bed, i could feel cold sweat trickling down my body. The pain was not subsiding and i needed some meds. So i quickly got up and went down to the kitchen to grab a couple of panadols. As i went downstairs, I saw both cars missing. My brother's and my mother's. My brother left to fetch my dad from the airport. He was gonna arrive shortly.
As for my mom, well, there is only one explanation as to where she had left for. I was hurt emotionally but at that time, the physical pain in my head quickly compelled me to find the meds. I had some trouble finding it but i managed to at last in my own room. After looking at the time, i had no more time to sleep and so i got ready for church.
I washed my face and said a small prayer to God to really guide me along the way as i was gonna drive soon. I dressed up and got into the car and left for church.
Thankfully, the journey was not stressful and to my relief, the physical pain was leaving me. Sadly, a more emotional pain was starting to find its way into my head and heart.
To be honest, it really hurt.... Hurt me a lot that i had to find my own way... But i did anyway. I drove all the way to greenlane and God DID help me on that day.
I swallowed every ounce of pride i had in me and went to the usual pew where my mom would normally take. I was right as she was there. I went to sit next to her and she just did not care.
The mass yesterday had coincided with Mother's Day too and i knew this was not a good day for that sort of celebration.
Another hurtful moment slips in when the priest calls upon all mothers to head in front of the altar to receive special blessings. I sort of knew what happened again as a voice whispered to me. I knew she wouldnt go. And just like the voice, she really did not.
AGAIN i swallowed up my pride and ego and turned and smiled and asked her, "are you not going for the blessings..?"
She just shook her head in a 'No' stance and remained silent.
At that moment, i prayed and told myself too that i must not feel embarrassed even though the many familiar faces were looking at me and my mom. I knew for that second that the familiar faces had wondered why is my own mother not even going up front of the altar.
As the mass had ended, she just took her bag and left. She headed to her car and i followed her. I said ''bye'' to her and she replied ''bye'' back to me. The only word she had uttered to me during the entire time we were on church grounds i would say...
She goes into her car and drives off. Again, an emotionally striking pain seeps in... It felt at that moment like my own mother had left me over a small issue.
The abandonment and rejection just felt so pain. It was so painful for me that i took a few moments to even enter my own car. As i sat in the drivers seat, just unable to do anything. Hurt and pain was overflowing so naturally in my heart as though it were part of my blood.
I did ask myself: if i really did have an accident, would she even bother...?
I shunned off those thoughts and continued my journey back pondering and trying my best to ignore questions which the voice in my heart told me to ignore.
It all boils down to the fact that if only my mom had asked me "what is wrong with you right now?" which she so rarely asks, things would have been different. Celebrating mass would have been different, along with Mothers' Day and so on. Instead, not only NOT finding out what is wrong with me, she decides to jump to conclusions and execute what she thinks is right.
Even IF i did complain that the Rosary session was too long, is it right and just for a mother to shun away her son and act as though she is disowning me for that? I remind myself countless times that i did not get angry or throw tantrums or whatever.
It was just because of my moms failure in understanding how i felt that night which caused this. And who has to suffer from this all?
Me.
She texts her friends to tell them how cruel i was towards her. So right now, in the eyes of the people in some of my surroundings, I am evil and cruel.
It is only this text that i have written which gives my account and side of the story. All of what had happened that night which caused a long period of silence.
PRESENTLY
Presently, because of this, i suddenly wonder if i should become a parent. When i think about it and look back, both my parents did not have a normal childhood.
Few years ago, i remember listening to a famous clinical psychologist on the radio while on the way to school that was talking about children. He said, as i quote, "Children are actually constantly going through moments where they learn to become parents,"
I do remember this as i thought this made a lot of sense (at least it did for me). I remember many times when trying to play with my baby niece and wondering how would i be later on when i have a child of my own. I also remember such identical thoughts as i wonder in the mall looking at parents with their children/babies.
Connecting from this psychologist's quote, i deduce that if your childhood was not really a good one, you wouldn't have much confidence to bring up a child.
To put it in a simple manner, i believe children that are brought up in a family based on love will actually grow up to become wonderful parents. Maybe i dont have concrete evidence to prove this, but i still believe in it so.
However, i dont think i need to out-rightly prove this; Even in movies, its so cliche when the boy who may actually be the main character, does not want to grow up to become his father who may have been a drunkard because of the fear they may turn into their exact parent. Ive seen those kind of movies a little too many times i suppose.
Back to my original thought, i basically think with all these experiences im running in with my parents, i dont think i would make a great parent. I have to admit that very honestly. My original thought basically originates from the fact that BECAUSE my parents did not have a normal childhood, maybe that it why our upbringing was just really so abnormal.
Thinking about it, my father, a boy who lost his dad at an early age and is brought up by all the women in the family who ordered them around. He was brought up with servants and butlers until the local University he attended.
Then there is my mom. The girl who has brought up with 5 OTHER SISTERS who had a lot jealousy for her because she was talented in singing, sports and studies. She was her father's pet and the others were the mother's pet. She was sort of the black sheep of the family one could say.
Now with these knowledge in mind and after putting one and another together, that is WHY i deduce i would not make a good parent myself due to the way they were brought up, and how they brought me up. I am not ungrateful to them if that is what most would think. It is just that the abnormal upbringing just leaves me on this thought over and over again...
I dont think i have much of an idea on how to love a child. This is because i dare say i dont think i was really loved so much. I cant say i was not loved AT ALL, but i dont think it was so suffice?
To me, providing a child with education, money, food, shelter and clothing is one thing and providing a child with love is another. To think about it, I see how other children tell their moms and dads "I love you" before going to bed, or maybe when leaving the car in the morning after their parents had sent them. Or even after a call on the phone with each other. These 3 simple words actually carry a lot of meaning and i dont think it shows a weakness in a person.
Sadly to say, i was brought up thinking that these 3 words is really not necessary in family and when i did try it once when i was little, my mom jokingly acted disgusted and said i was a sissy.
Well, yeah it does seem funny when you read it. But to think about it all in the long run, it did have a HUGE impact.
Other things to express love is important too i would say. Such as hugging your parents before you sleep or leave somewhere or a peck on the cheek. Simple gestures like this can go a long way.
Sadly, none of the above has been incorporated into my upbringing as a child. The only time i could hug my mom was when it was her birthday and perhaps the previous Mothers' Day celebration.
Thinking about this right now really DOES bring tears to my eyes. It does feel like there was so much that could have been done to promote love in a family. The sad part comes when you realize this only after a long time. Thus not much can be done to change the ways upbringing anymore.
Even when i did try to hug my mom in church one day during the "peace be with you" segment of the mass, I sort of got blamed after the mass in the car.
Apparently, she was trying to look at something suspicious the priest was doing but could not do it because i came to hug her. To her, that was nothing but to me, it hurt a lot. At once i could feel the tears trying to stream down but i eventually managed to hold it back.
Sadly, she only cared to know about the minor details the priest was doing so she could ponder more on about the church politics going on.
Sometimes, I really picture myself as though my mom is the warrior woman Xena and I'm some sensitive kid born into this world not like a warrior. Well, you cant help but think sometimes right?
And thus concludes this very long post for this time. I guess I wrote what was bothering my heart and soul into this post. I write this with no guilt or regret. However at the same time, i have not written this with revenge or with intention to take a hit at my mom. I just feel very hurt right now and so i have decided to vent it all out.
This is me, signing out for now...
As for me, things turned out very different and rotten which in turn has probably destroyed what could have been a nice Mother's Day celebration......
Well, what sucks the most is that I didnt do anything to wrong to cause so much of blame or hatred but on the other side, which is my mom, she decides to give me the cold shoulder for a long time. Today is the fourth day she is not talking to me....
Maybe the way i type this may make me sound remorseful or regretful, but i certainly know i did not do anything wrong. At least nothing wrong to the extent of her not talking to me.
It sucks as it happened last Thursday night when i was so sleepy and hungry at church. After the service, they wanted to carry out an entire Rosary... I told mum FIRST that i was hungry hoping we would go off and grab dinner. After all, a Rosary is not compulsory. BUT no.....
Instead, she decides to tell me how important prayers are n so on. I DID groan, but that doesnt mean that i gave a hard time. I still went on my knees and stayed for an entire Rosary!
After the entire Rosary, i was really worn out and hungry. The fatigue was really killing me. I was very very sleepy and hungry and it was about 10pm PLUS!
Apart from that, she goes on and gossips about church politics to me. I ACKNOWLEDGED her every sentence although not with so much of enthusiasm.. But THAT DOES NOT mean i was rude to her!
Well, after awhile, she decides to show who's boss and says okay, she doesnt wanna have dinner so drops me at Mcdonalds to take away food. Ever since then, i knew she wanted to show now that SHE was angry...
I could not care so less at the moment for i was really out of shape. I had my food n went to bed at about 11+pm.
Got up early the next morning which was a Friday morning and she was preparing for work. Wished her good morning. However, as expected deep inside, she did not bother to respond.
Thus has been my mom's response towards me for the past 3 days and as of now.
Don't get me wrong. I think Mother's day is a beautiful thing... Its just that i get very upset when i look at all the messages how other people say that mothers care about you and feel you and so on.
Because while my mom provides me with food and shelter and clothing, the one important thing which i feel she does not provide in adequate amount is empathy towards me.
Correct me if im wrong, but i think a mom who cares about how her son or daughter is feeling would ask whats wrong if they notice something is amiss. Not jump to conclusions and shun away their children n make it seem as though their child drove a dagger through their heart..
Yesterday i went to church for the weekly mass. But i note down that me n mom went to church our separate ways. The very thought consumes me emotionally and hurts me so much. I TRIED to stand my ground and be nice and ask what time would we be going to church. Instead, she just says you shouldn't go.
"Its TOO LONG," she says...
So i said "ahhh, so i guess this is about last thursday then?"
She never did answer me anymore. I asked again what time would we be going and she told me 5pm. So i said okay and walked away.
The sad moments began to come in when at about 3pm, i was really starving and no food was being served, i asked what about lunch. She was in her room with the door locked and she answered me to go out with my brother to buy food.
The worse part was that my brother was still in deep slumber. I thought of going out alone but something told me not to. So i decided to wake up my brother and wait for another aching hour as he gets ready.
We end up buying Mcdonalds again and went home to eat. After eating, i noticed it was 4.15pm. Mom told me we were leaving at 5 previously (as i wrote above). The terrible part seeps in more as i began to develop a head ache. After I swallowed down my food,I headed for bed and set my phone to wake me up at 4.45pm. That gives me approximately 30 mins of sleep to clear my head pain. As i laid in bed, I thanked God that I wasnt driving.
A few minutes later, i hear the grill gates opening and someone entering into a car. I chose to ignore it and told myself not to jump into conclusions. Although, i have to admit my instinct, a voice; told me that my mom abandoned me.
Still as I laid in bed, i could feel cold sweat trickling down my body. The pain was not subsiding and i needed some meds. So i quickly got up and went down to the kitchen to grab a couple of panadols. As i went downstairs, I saw both cars missing. My brother's and my mother's. My brother left to fetch my dad from the airport. He was gonna arrive shortly.
As for my mom, well, there is only one explanation as to where she had left for. I was hurt emotionally but at that time, the physical pain in my head quickly compelled me to find the meds. I had some trouble finding it but i managed to at last in my own room. After looking at the time, i had no more time to sleep and so i got ready for church.
I washed my face and said a small prayer to God to really guide me along the way as i was gonna drive soon. I dressed up and got into the car and left for church.
Thankfully, the journey was not stressful and to my relief, the physical pain was leaving me. Sadly, a more emotional pain was starting to find its way into my head and heart.
To be honest, it really hurt.... Hurt me a lot that i had to find my own way... But i did anyway. I drove all the way to greenlane and God DID help me on that day.
I swallowed every ounce of pride i had in me and went to the usual pew where my mom would normally take. I was right as she was there. I went to sit next to her and she just did not care.
The mass yesterday had coincided with Mother's Day too and i knew this was not a good day for that sort of celebration.
Another hurtful moment slips in when the priest calls upon all mothers to head in front of the altar to receive special blessings. I sort of knew what happened again as a voice whispered to me. I knew she wouldnt go. And just like the voice, she really did not.
AGAIN i swallowed up my pride and ego and turned and smiled and asked her, "are you not going for the blessings..?"
She just shook her head in a 'No' stance and remained silent.
At that moment, i prayed and told myself too that i must not feel embarrassed even though the many familiar faces were looking at me and my mom. I knew for that second that the familiar faces had wondered why is my own mother not even going up front of the altar.
As the mass had ended, she just took her bag and left. She headed to her car and i followed her. I said ''bye'' to her and she replied ''bye'' back to me. The only word she had uttered to me during the entire time we were on church grounds i would say...
She goes into her car and drives off. Again, an emotionally striking pain seeps in... It felt at that moment like my own mother had left me over a small issue.
The abandonment and rejection just felt so pain. It was so painful for me that i took a few moments to even enter my own car. As i sat in the drivers seat, just unable to do anything. Hurt and pain was overflowing so naturally in my heart as though it were part of my blood.
I did ask myself: if i really did have an accident, would she even bother...?
I shunned off those thoughts and continued my journey back pondering and trying my best to ignore questions which the voice in my heart told me to ignore.
It all boils down to the fact that if only my mom had asked me "what is wrong with you right now?" which she so rarely asks, things would have been different. Celebrating mass would have been different, along with Mothers' Day and so on. Instead, not only NOT finding out what is wrong with me, she decides to jump to conclusions and execute what she thinks is right.
Even IF i did complain that the Rosary session was too long, is it right and just for a mother to shun away her son and act as though she is disowning me for that? I remind myself countless times that i did not get angry or throw tantrums or whatever.
It was just because of my moms failure in understanding how i felt that night which caused this. And who has to suffer from this all?
Me.
She texts her friends to tell them how cruel i was towards her. So right now, in the eyes of the people in some of my surroundings, I am evil and cruel.
It is only this text that i have written which gives my account and side of the story. All of what had happened that night which caused a long period of silence.
PRESENTLY
Presently, because of this, i suddenly wonder if i should become a parent. When i think about it and look back, both my parents did not have a normal childhood.
Few years ago, i remember listening to a famous clinical psychologist on the radio while on the way to school that was talking about children. He said, as i quote, "Children are actually constantly going through moments where they learn to become parents,"
I do remember this as i thought this made a lot of sense (at least it did for me). I remember many times when trying to play with my baby niece and wondering how would i be later on when i have a child of my own. I also remember such identical thoughts as i wonder in the mall looking at parents with their children/babies.
Connecting from this psychologist's quote, i deduce that if your childhood was not really a good one, you wouldn't have much confidence to bring up a child.
To put it in a simple manner, i believe children that are brought up in a family based on love will actually grow up to become wonderful parents. Maybe i dont have concrete evidence to prove this, but i still believe in it so.
However, i dont think i need to out-rightly prove this; Even in movies, its so cliche when the boy who may actually be the main character, does not want to grow up to become his father who may have been a drunkard because of the fear they may turn into their exact parent. Ive seen those kind of movies a little too many times i suppose.
Back to my original thought, i basically think with all these experiences im running in with my parents, i dont think i would make a great parent. I have to admit that very honestly. My original thought basically originates from the fact that BECAUSE my parents did not have a normal childhood, maybe that it why our upbringing was just really so abnormal.
Thinking about it, my father, a boy who lost his dad at an early age and is brought up by all the women in the family who ordered them around. He was brought up with servants and butlers until the local University he attended.
Then there is my mom. The girl who has brought up with 5 OTHER SISTERS who had a lot jealousy for her because she was talented in singing, sports and studies. She was her father's pet and the others were the mother's pet. She was sort of the black sheep of the family one could say.
Now with these knowledge in mind and after putting one and another together, that is WHY i deduce i would not make a good parent myself due to the way they were brought up, and how they brought me up. I am not ungrateful to them if that is what most would think. It is just that the abnormal upbringing just leaves me on this thought over and over again...
I dont think i have much of an idea on how to love a child. This is because i dare say i dont think i was really loved so much. I cant say i was not loved AT ALL, but i dont think it was so suffice?
To me, providing a child with education, money, food, shelter and clothing is one thing and providing a child with love is another. To think about it, I see how other children tell their moms and dads "I love you" before going to bed, or maybe when leaving the car in the morning after their parents had sent them. Or even after a call on the phone with each other. These 3 simple words actually carry a lot of meaning and i dont think it shows a weakness in a person.
Sadly to say, i was brought up thinking that these 3 words is really not necessary in family and when i did try it once when i was little, my mom jokingly acted disgusted and said i was a sissy.
Well, yeah it does seem funny when you read it. But to think about it all in the long run, it did have a HUGE impact.
Other things to express love is important too i would say. Such as hugging your parents before you sleep or leave somewhere or a peck on the cheek. Simple gestures like this can go a long way.
Sadly, none of the above has been incorporated into my upbringing as a child. The only time i could hug my mom was when it was her birthday and perhaps the previous Mothers' Day celebration.
Thinking about this right now really DOES bring tears to my eyes. It does feel like there was so much that could have been done to promote love in a family. The sad part comes when you realize this only after a long time. Thus not much can be done to change the ways upbringing anymore.
Even when i did try to hug my mom in church one day during the "peace be with you" segment of the mass, I sort of got blamed after the mass in the car.
Apparently, she was trying to look at something suspicious the priest was doing but could not do it because i came to hug her. To her, that was nothing but to me, it hurt a lot. At once i could feel the tears trying to stream down but i eventually managed to hold it back.
Sadly, she only cared to know about the minor details the priest was doing so she could ponder more on about the church politics going on.
Sometimes, I really picture myself as though my mom is the warrior woman Xena and I'm some sensitive kid born into this world not like a warrior. Well, you cant help but think sometimes right?
And thus concludes this very long post for this time. I guess I wrote what was bothering my heart and soul into this post. I write this with no guilt or regret. However at the same time, i have not written this with revenge or with intention to take a hit at my mom. I just feel very hurt right now and so i have decided to vent it all out.
This is me, signing out for now...