(no subject)
i think i may expect too much from people. i put promises in their silent mouths. or i dont listen to the voice inside my head that tells me, repeatedly, that something is amiss. i make the mistake of thinking that im inexpendible. but actions speak louder than words. and my actions this weekend were screaming. and in return...the 'us' changed. i became a backseat passenger in a car i thought i new. and rather then ruin everything, or worse, riding in the trunk of the afterthought car. i walked. and im so dense to the reality of the situation that i actually thought that the car would drive back, tell me that im important, and needed to make it complete. but im not. and this realization has shaken the foundations of what i thought i knew. i dont mind sitting back and giving way to the group... i dont expect attention when there are so many people. but i did expect we'd keep the plans we had...that he'd pull me aside and tell me of the plans. not casually, after dinner plates has been cleared and the check paid...ask me if i was joining their already planned after party. planned without me. even though he knew i'd be there. it threw me so far into left field. yes, it's possible im too sensitive...but suddenly i was out of the 'us'...plans had been rewritten in stone and i was casually asked to join. and after so much heart and soul on my part... and then later i told him i felt like an afterthought. and he asks if that's ok. of course it's not ok. i had been a nervous wreck for weeks, planning this behind his back...terrified something would go wrong. i had planned on changing my journal's title. i felt the closing of one door, and the need to start something new. and ive changed the title, to something i wasnt expecting. but somehow now feels fitting. im hurt. and the hurt that was earlier in the day has warped...into something intense and painful. aging and becoming stronger, only because i'd assumed it would have been settled by now. but there's been no contact. and ive heeded the advice of the women around me not to call. not to breathe. and now im sitting here marveling, at how everything is growing in my mind... and the quiet phone lines conjure up new feelings...and wounds left open become infected. and that's how i feel. infected. and unbelievably hurt.