(no subject)
So, I feel like my life is on repeat...and not in a good way. Don't get me wrong; some things are fantastic. I just do the same thing day in/day out. I wake up between 11:00 am and 2:00pm, I pee, take a shower, fix my hair for no reason, check my messages, read a little, clean, make dinner, maybe go see Hali, talk to Chris until the wee hours of the morning, repeat. I need a job. I've made an effort to get one, but I need to make more of an effort. Really. I need to get stuff ready for school. I need to get ready to transfer schools. I feel so exhausted, and I don't know why. Does anyone else ever feel like that? It can't just be me, can it?
The way things have been going this past month with Chris and me has made me so happy. It's the happiest I've been in a long time, and I guess that it just kind of highlights the fact that I haven't been happy. This leads me to wonder, where has the past year gone? What did I DO that was significant to my existence? Nothing. I mean, I know the unmentionable happened spring of 2008, but I didn't see the depression carrying on this long even when I was at my worst. I'm so angry when I think about what happened. I guess that's because I remember the person I was before that happened. It was a lot easier to laugh and smile and live. I lost a year of my life to that, and I can honestly say that I learned who my real friends were. Matt was/is a saint. I don't think anyone put up with more of my shit. I'm grateful for every it of it. Things changed a lot for me when I met Chris last November. Since then we've become extremely close. I'm very grateful for that, also. He means so much to me. I have changed a lot in this past year, even if I can't remember when it happened. I mean, the whole year is such a blur. I know that I am becoming a it more dependent, which is good. I have come to realize that I cannot always do every single things by myself. I have to have help sometimes. I've also learned to say no more. I have learned that I can't always do things for people just because they ask. I need to worry about my own happiness, also. Right now, for example, I am STUCK in West Virginia because I couldn't say no to someone. Clearly, learning to say no has helped me.
If I didn't mention it earlier, Chris and I are moving in together this winter. I am really excited, but I am scared at the same time. I've never lived with a boyfriend before, so this is a HUGE step for me. It feels right, though. Really. The boy makes me so incredibly happy; I know I'm lucky.
I'm really tired. I think I rambled on so much because I am so tired.
I love you guys.
Goodnight.
The way things have been going this past month with Chris and me has made me so happy. It's the happiest I've been in a long time, and I guess that it just kind of highlights the fact that I haven't been happy. This leads me to wonder, where has the past year gone? What did I DO that was significant to my existence? Nothing. I mean, I know the unmentionable happened spring of 2008, but I didn't see the depression carrying on this long even when I was at my worst. I'm so angry when I think about what happened. I guess that's because I remember the person I was before that happened. It was a lot easier to laugh and smile and live. I lost a year of my life to that, and I can honestly say that I learned who my real friends were. Matt was/is a saint. I don't think anyone put up with more of my shit. I'm grateful for every it of it. Things changed a lot for me when I met Chris last November. Since then we've become extremely close. I'm very grateful for that, also. He means so much to me. I have changed a lot in this past year, even if I can't remember when it happened. I mean, the whole year is such a blur. I know that I am becoming a it more dependent, which is good. I have come to realize that I cannot always do every single things by myself. I have to have help sometimes. I've also learned to say no more. I have learned that I can't always do things for people just because they ask. I need to worry about my own happiness, also. Right now, for example, I am STUCK in West Virginia because I couldn't say no to someone. Clearly, learning to say no has helped me.
If I didn't mention it earlier, Chris and I are moving in together this winter. I am really excited, but I am scared at the same time. I've never lived with a boyfriend before, so this is a HUGE step for me. It feels right, though. Really. The boy makes me so incredibly happy; I know I'm lucky.
I'm really tired. I think I rambled on so much because I am so tired.
I love you guys.
Goodnight.